Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

I need it for my christmas cards. I don't want anything unclean because most of the cards are going to people younger than me. And I'm not old.

2007-12-02 12:39:52 · 3 answers · asked by ♥§♥§♥ 4

2007-12-02 12:13:07 · 1 answers · asked by Monk 3

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the u

2007-12-02 12:12:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-02 12:08:18 · 50 answers · asked by carol 6

for english i have to writ a red green scene and i came up with one about a gofur i am just wondering if you people would think that would be funny

2007-12-02 11:52:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

2007-12-02 11:45:36 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

Pls * if funny...tu

2007-12-02 11:40:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

Charlotte, North Carolina A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the
lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!


(Stay with me.)


Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a
policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was
sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

2007-12-02 11:27:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says, "If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL your friends"
____________________________________
A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children,

"Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies sarcastically,

"No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."

2007-12-02 11:15:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

2007-12-02 11:02:20 · 12 answers · asked by ackyback123 2

what is your fave dumb blond joke?
This is a good one: There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

What is your favorite?

2007-12-02 11:00:56 · 12 answers · asked by just_pondering 2

99% Sound
1% Advice

2007-12-02 10:45:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-02 10:41:34 · 49 answers · asked by pipi 2

i thnk it was the chicken

2007-12-02 10:33:21 · 15 answers · asked by the answerer of questions 4

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" asked. "Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

2007-12-02 10:27:48 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting here having a good time together
she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and
starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for
him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following
on the bar:
A saltshaker,
a shot of Baileys,
and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman
explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,
next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth,
and finally you drink the lime
juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes
for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very
pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime
juice and drinks it.

2007-12-02 10:22:14 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

.. Two southern girls were sitting on their front porch
one evening. One girl had just arrived back from New York
and she was telling her girlfriend about some of the sites
she had seen in the big city. In a heavy southern drawl, she
says,
"You know, they have women up there who have sex with
other women."
In a whispered voice, her friend replies, "Oh, my!
What do they call them?"
"They call them lesbians. "And there's
men who have sex with other men, "says the women.
"They call them homosexuals."
Then, she pauses, lowers her voice even more and says, "And,
they have these men up there that will put their face in a
woman's privates and kiss all around...
"Do tell!"gasps her friend, "What do
they call them?"




"Heck if I know, I just patted him on the head and called
him Precious."

2007-12-02 10:20:13 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his
left rear
tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another
car
goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping
the lug
nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.






Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab
when
he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one
of the
inmates has been watching the whole thing.




"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut
off each of the other
three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you
can get to a garage
or something."




Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality,
but realizes
the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without
incident.
Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You
know, that was
pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because
I'm crazy, not
because I'm stupid!!!!

2007-12-02 10:19:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of professional people posed this question to a
group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"


The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone
could have imagined. See what you think:



"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't
bend over and paint her toenails anymore.




So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when
his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name
is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4


"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most
of your French fries without making them give you any of
theirs."
Chrissy - age 6


"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

2007-12-02 10:10:34 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-02 10:09:46 · 20 answers · asked by pinkki33en 1

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

2007-12-02 10:07:32 · 15 answers · asked by omg_itz_nancy 2

Girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.

First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice.

T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....

"It's called ******* revenge"

2007-12-02 10:01:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

YY U R YY U B

I C U R YY

4 me

2007-12-02 09:57:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space
= Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms

2007-12-02 09:49:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give me something that will make me laugh so hard, that I fall off my little trolly!

2007-12-02 09:39:36 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, butJack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."

"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."

2007-12-02 09:33:20 · 10 answers · asked by Freakin 6

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.

"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

2007-12-02 09:32:04 · 6 answers · asked by Freakin 6

We've all heard about men having Guts or B alls. But do you really know
the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed
below...


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


B ALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both
ultimately result in death.

2007-12-02 09:26:58 · 14 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out
a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.




"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter, " he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter
10 inches long.




"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking
the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vere dit yew git
dat monster??"




"Vell, " replied Olaf, "I got it from
my Genie."




"You haff a Genie, " Sven asked.




"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox, "
says Olaf.




"Could I see him?"




Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the
Genie.




Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm
a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"




"Yes, I will, " says the Genie .




So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.




The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven
sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

2007-12-02 09:22:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness...just as they did.




I want to pay back all the joy they've provided. Returning
each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited! (When I'm
an old lady and live with my kids)




I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes.






I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll
stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!




(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll
get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll
snap their fingers and then shake their head, (When I'm
an old lady and live with my kids)




When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!

2007-12-02 09:19:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous