Funny as Hell!- *star if you like*?

Question

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

--- It's very long, but oh so funny <3

These are real metaphores that were actually used in highschool assignments. Not the sharpest crayons in the box are they?

Answer 1

That was so funny. All my roommates think I'm crazy cause I'm laughing out loud. They'll understand once I tell them. That was brillant, thanks!

Answer 2

Now I know why people become English teachers, they do it for the laughs!
Those are hilarious and I can't stop laughing at No 23!!!

Answer 3

Great way to start off a Monday morning at work!

At least they are trying, I'll give them credit.

Answer 4

Good ones! Funny! 10!

Answer 5

I had been an educator for about 17 years up until recently. These are so funny it almost makes me want to go back to work. Oh, yeah, nevermind. Thanks for the laughs, it brought back memories !

Answer 6

HAHAHAHA excellent heres one for you we acquired instructed the opposite day - A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to mention 2 phrases each seven years. After the primary seven years, the elders deliver him in and ask for his 2 phrases. “Cold flooring,” he says. They nod and ship him away. Seven extra years move. They deliver him again in and ask for his 2 phrases. He clears his throats and says, “Bad meals.” They nod and ship him away. Seven extra years move. They deliver him in for his 2 phrases. “I stop,” he says. “That’s now not unexpected,” the elders say. “You’ve performed not anything however ***** due to the fact you acquired right here.”

Answer 7

Those are so hilarious! Do you know if these are real ones from papers?

Add: Wow. Man, kids have REALLY low IQs these days!

Answer 8

23 is the best! '....like a dog at a fire hydrant' Lmfao

Answer 9

That was HILARIOUS! I can't believe those are real! I have to give you a star for this.

Answer 10

Hahahha ,thx for the nice start to begin my d@y!!!