This is long, but funny!?

Question

Taser"


Last weekend at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife
--
who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY
TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it
was
working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is
on the face of her microwave).

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****** to
one
side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER
OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel compelled to
"mug"
yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that
point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How
did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return.



Still in shock, Earl

Answer 1

I CANT STOP LAUGHING... SERIOUSLY THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE READ..... LMAO....

Answer 2

" I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug"
yourself with a teaser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. "

I'm cryin' here!!! This one deserves a big star!!! :D

Answer 3

Hahahaha... that was funny... I couldn't stop laughin' myself...

I bought one of those taser not long ago (it's illegal to own one here in my country) illegally...

never did I thought of zapping myself though but my poor old fish... man, i zapped that old fish of mine and thought that it would be dead by the second zap.

Well, guess what? he's still swimming around in his tank but always swimming to the left of the tank.

Answer 4

LOL

I want one of those taser things.

+ 1 star for you

Answer 5

Boy, would I have like to have been a fly on the wall when this all took place!!!!

For any woman who ever wanted revenge on a man.....this is it!

Answer 6

I all most pissed my self I could not stop laughing that sh it was so funny thanks I needed that just wish you had on video to upload it u-tub

Answer 7

that funny as heck