Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

2007-03-02 02:28:17 · 9 answers · asked by jaded girl 1

He asks, "Fancy coming home with me?"

"Sorry", replies the girl, "I'm on my menstrual cycle".

"Great", says Paddy, "I've got my scooter outside, I'll follow you home"

2007-03-02 02:12:43 · 16 answers · asked by Ecko 4

...with premature ejac. (edited accordingly!)

Dr tells him, "When you feel it coming, fire a starter pistol in the air and the loud noise will help to prolong yourself".

2 days later, the Dr sees him again and asks him how it went.

"Not good", says the bloke, "I was having a 69er and felt it start to go off so I fired the gun. My wife shat on my face, bit my bell-end off and the milkman came out of the cupboard with his hands up"

2007-03-02 02:09:15 · 12 answers · asked by Ecko 4

gimmie some impossible questions you cant answer...
i.e.
Why do you park in the driveway but drive on the parkway
Wat color does a smurf turn if you choke it...
etc
etc

2007-03-02 02:05:27 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-02 01:56:37 · 14 answers · asked by sakinakarjatwala 1

He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshittin' me! "

The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . you started it"

2007-03-02 01:53:18 · 2 answers · asked by FaerieWhings 7

A Jelly baby goes into a Pub and ends up chatting to a Smartie. The smartie says that he and all his smartie mates are going clubbing and does he wanna go. The Jelly Baby initially says NO cause every times he goes clubbing he gets beaten up! But the smarties tell him not to worry cause they'll look after him as there as hard as nails!!! The Jelly Baby says YES, so the Jelly Baby and all the Smarties go to the local club for a bit more drinking. After a while in the club a bunch of Lockets walk in. As soon as the smarties spot the lockets they vanish. The little Jelly Baby was sat there all alone and the lockets spot this and go up to him and start beating him up!!! The poor Jelly Baby gets a proper beating...theres Jelly Baby Blood everywhere!!! When the lockets have finished the Jelly Baby goes upto the smarties and says I thought you were gonna protect me.....................they say YES we were, but those lockets........there MENTAL ! ! ! ! ! (Get it Menthal, Mental)

2007-03-02 01:52:18 · 17 answers · asked by splandastic 3

pick one to finish off or try all...best gets 10 points..so make me laugh!!

1. whats the difference between an oral n a rectal thermometer?

2. whats the difference between a porcupine n a porche?

3.what is osama bin ladens idea of safe sex?

4. what do u do if a bird craps on ur car?

5.what can a lifesaver do for a girl that a man cant?

6. what does ur boss n a slinkee have in common?

2007-03-02 01:50:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

the question once posed by A Tribe Called Quest. Now I turn this question to the interweb to see if I can kick it or not.

2007-03-02 01:49:41 · 5 answers · asked by grimnamic 2

2007-03-02 01:43:40 · 9 answers · asked by Muffin 2

Dear lord,
I pray for wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And patience for his moods,
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength,
I"ll beat him to death,
amen

2007-03-02 01:38:17 · 33 answers · asked by tess 6

help me on this riddle

2007-03-02 01:35:46 · 21 answers · asked by wtim69 1

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-feckin-believable!"

2007-03-02 01:35:27 · 7 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

A barrel full of dead kittens?








A barrel full of dead kittens with a live one at the bottom trying to gert out!!!!!

2007-03-02 01:34:35 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Was becomes invisible as it rises. even though it kills it is popular.

2007-03-02 01:32:05 · 13 answers · asked by Remnant 2

Early to bed and early to rise.......
Don't count your chickens...........
Birds of a feather..........................
A penny saved...............................
Two wrongs..................................
When the cat's away..................
Look before..................................
Never look a gift horse .............
Never put off until tomorrow....
All work and no play...................

2007-03-02 01:30:14 · 14 answers · asked by Dual M 1

i dream in both, but am curious how other people dream.

2007-03-02 01:29:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-02 01:20:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2007-03-02 01:01:15 · 9 answers · asked by jbothayer 2

FROM MY AVTAR YOU CAN SEE THAT I AM VERY ANGRY. TO REMOVE MY ANGER TELL ME AT LEAST 71 JOKES.
ALL JOKES MUST BE VEG, IT SHOULD NOT INCLUDE OTHER ISSUES.

2007-03-02 01:00:13 · 40 answers · asked by asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss 2

A long hard faced woman walked into tesco screaming and giving out to her two children, a greeter on the door said " hello and welcome to tesco, are your children twins?" The common woman replied "no they're not feckin' twins , one is 7 and the other is 10, why the hell would you think they were twins?" The man on the door replied. "I just find it hard to believe that someone would ride you twice!!"

2007-03-02 00:54:41 · 10 answers · asked by ? 3

a naughty bus

2007-03-02 00:40:45 · 23 answers · asked by markhatter 6

A traveling salesman, in the middle of his two-week stint on the road, walks into a whxre house. The salesman whips out $300.00 and hands it to the Madam of the house.

"Give me the WORST lxy you have here." he says.

The Madam, looking confused, says, "But sir, for this kind of money, you can have one of my very BEST girls."

The salesman, not to be discouraged, says, "Please, I just want the WORST piece of axs in the house."

The Madam, now getting a bit upset replies, "Sir, for $300.00, you could get the best lxy of your life."

Sheepishly the salesman says, "I don't want the best lxy of my life. I'm not hxrny - I'm homesick!"

2007-03-02 00:39:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well, so they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist."

Flabergasted, the guy responded, "Yes, that's amazing. How did you figure that out ?"

The girl said, "Easy. You keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another, so they migrated to the bed and things became more pxssionate. After they were done, the girl said, "You must be a great dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, and said, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist, How did you figure that out?"

The girl replied, "Easy. I didn't feel a thing!"

2007-03-02 00:36:43 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

this man's sat in a bar when suddenly the old fella at the side of him turns round and says
"hey you...i screwed your mother"

the man gets up from his seat and moves to a table when the old boy again shouts across the pub,
"hey you I Said i screwed your mother"

this goes on for about 20 miutes then the man snaps. he turns to the old fella and shouts




"GO HOME DAD, YOUR DRUNK"

2007-03-02 00:36:18 · 11 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

Can you solve it

2007-03-02 00:34:55 · 3 answers · asked by McQ 3

One day while taking dictation, a secretary noticed that her boss' fly was open. The embarrassed secretary told him, "Sir, your garage door is open."

The bewildered executive didn't know what she meant at first until she pointed. He quickly zipped up and said, "I hope you didn't see my super deluxe Cadillac."

"Nope." the secretary replied. "Just an old pink Volkswagen with two flat tirIn the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He suggested she try withdrawal, douches or condoms.

Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three children when she happened to run across her old doctor. "I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the young children.

"On the contrary, Doc," she exclaimed. "Davey here was a pullout, Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!"

2007-03-02 00:34:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am 5 letter word if u remove 1st letter i will br form of energy if you remove frist 2 letters iwill be needed for living if u remove my 1st 3 letters i will be near u if u remove my 1st 4 letters i will be near u who am I?

2007-03-02 00:33:45 · 5 answers · asked by HARESH P 1

how can i tell wich ans is the best in my asked questions??????

2007-03-02 00:33:38 · 8 answers · asked by yashsm_08 1

There is a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sxxual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sxxual disorder clinic.

The chief resident is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees as patient mxsturbxating in his room. "What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the resident replies. "If he doesn't ejxculxte 40 to 50 times a day, he'll become disoriented."

As the two continue their rounds, the student peeks into another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles, receiving orxl sxx from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

2007-03-02 00:32:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous