Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Jim: "yep"
Frank: "was it clean?"
Jim:"ummmm,...well,it was Somewhat clean i guess"
Frank: "When u get up from sittin on the toliet,..which hand do u use to wipe your butt?"
Jim:"Because i use my Right hand to eat...I ALWAYS use my Left hand to wipe my butt,dude!"
Frank: "Youza NASTY Motherf******!"
Jim:"????"
Frank:"You use your left hand to wipe your butt! youre TRIFLIN'!"
Jim:"why u say that?"
Frank:"I dont use my Hand to wipe MY butt! I use Toilet Paper!"

2007-03-02 08:18:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-02 08:17:19 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who exactly is this man from Nantucket???.. I've heard the beginning of that joke so many times, but no one ever finishes it, and it's driving me crazy..

Or is it just a stupid joke from years back just to make people wonder what the end of the riddle is??..

All I've ever heard about him is, " There once was a man from Nantucket.. " and then they stop, or someone cuts them off in movies..

2007-03-02 08:16:08 · 7 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

....and saw 2 guys walking about with a coffin.
2 hours later these guys are still walking around with this coffin!

i thought to myself - 'these guys have totally lost the plot'!!

2007-03-02 08:09:19 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

32% Alcohol
24% Drugs
17% Shot by harpoon
10% Misprint on TrimSpa label. Accidentally went on 30 day DIE plan.
9% Tried to fit into her old Guess Jeans.
5% Truly loved that old geezer she married. Died of heartbreak.
2% Playboy celebrity issue. Airbrushed to death.
1% Cheesecake Asphyxiation

The bimbo has been dead two weeks now and there aren't hardly any jokes yet. Welcome to our kinder and gentler society.Her silicone body is cold-time to pay tribute to the greatness of A.N.S. with tasteless jokes.

2007-03-02 08:05:30 · 9 answers · asked by lkrhtr70 4

There is a redhead, brunette and a blond at the doctors there all pregnant. The redhead says she is having a girl because when she conceived she was on top. The brunette says she is having a boy because when she conceived they where military style. Then the blond starts crying and the brunette asks her what is wrong? The blond tells her I'm gonna have puppies....

2007-03-02 08:03:53 · 12 answers · asked by Momof2 3

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colin Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, ''I've called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokepersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tommorrow.''
So, Bill Clinton went back and said, ''Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow.''

Colin Powell went back and said, ''I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow.''

Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the Internet and said, '' I have some good news. The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is the Y2K problem is solved.''

2007-03-02 08:03:39 · 4 answers · asked by ╔═♠═╗ ♣777♣ ╚═♠═╝ 4

A smartie with a hardon

2007-03-02 08:02:40 · 5 answers · asked by ayrshiregirl78 1

lets see if anyone can guess this one. it took my teacher three weeks to give up and he has as many degrees as a thermometer.

2007-03-02 07:55:36 · 34 answers · asked by Glenn Adair 1

Hell: Big banquet of food with everything you can imagine. They have forks but they are too long to bring the food up to their mouths. People are starving. People keep trying to feed themselves but they are unsuccessful.

Heaven: Big banquet of food with everything you can imagine. They have forks but they are too long to bring the food up to their mouths.....................

Finish the description of heaven.

2007-03-02 07:53:20 · 4 answers · asked by msbedouin 4

What grows down when it grows up?

2007-03-02 07:50:43 · 6 answers · asked by balla24n7 2

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes


That’s not right Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP Kum Hia

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped the coffee table Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pah

2007-03-02 07:45:09 · 9 answers · asked by ? 1

>>You walked into a log cabin.
>There was nothing in that cabin,
>>>>.besides,
>>>a lantern which you had to light,
>>.a fireplace,
>>>an oven,
>>>>>>and all you had in your hand is
>>a match.
>>>>>>>Which one
>>>>>>>>>>>>should you light
>>first?
>>>COME
>>>>>ON
>THIS IS
>>>>EASY
>PEOP
>>LE!

2007-03-02 07:44:08 · 16 answers · asked by ily[; 3

Is this a good slogan for the business?

"Get lots while you are young"

2007-03-02 07:43:50 · 3 answers · asked by Jim R 4

Three young blokes are away for the night on a stag do. Finding a hotel room for £30.00 for the night, each paying £10.00. Once in their room they find it very poorly set out and ask the manager for some kind of compensation, The manager sends £5.00 up to them with the porter. As they cannot find a way of splitting 5 between 3 they each decide to take £1.00 each making it only £9.00 each for the room for the night and they tip the porter the £2.00 that is left. so work it out! 3 x £9.00 = £27.00 then add the £2.00 tip for the porter. this should equal £29.00 so where's the other £1.00???????

2007-03-02 07:40:10 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon discovered she was actually well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get intimate with her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred port or sherry and she said, “Oh, sherry, by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me with an overwhelming sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and that gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma, and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.”

She continued, “On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

2007-03-02 07:37:29 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

What does LMFAO mean?????
i know this is the stupidist question probably ever but i keep seeing that and it is driving me crazy

2007-03-02 07:31:15 · 16 answers · asked by tower.over.me 3

2007-03-02 07:28:49 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

2007-03-02 07:28:03 · 12 answers · asked by raybbies 5

the ball is blue and can be thrown in the air by this hand.

2007-03-02 07:24:52 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try
their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely
ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on .
. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

2007-03-02 07:23:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

God Said, Adam I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said
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YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!
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"What's a headache?"

2007-03-02 07:22:57 · 11 answers · asked by raybbies 5

A ship in port has a rope ladder that hangs over the side and into the water. The rungs on the ladder are exactly a foot apart, from center to center. At low tide, three rungs of the ladder are under water. How many rungs will be under water at high tide,which is exactly three feet higher than low tide?

2007-03-02 07:21:22 · 10 answers · asked by freaknwil 1

2007-03-02 07:20:36 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

>
>A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
>he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar
>that way.
>The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
>The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't w ear his collar like that."
>The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
>The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
>doesn't wear his collar that way."
>The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went
>back to reading his book.
>The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
>"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar?"
>
>

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2007-03-02 07:14:21 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Brad stared through the dirty soot-smeared window on the 22nd floor of the office tower. Overcome with depression he slid the window open and jumped through it. It was a sheer drop outside the building to the ground. Miraculously after he landed he was completely unhurt. Since there was nothing to cushion his fall or slow his descent, how could he have survived the fall?

2007-03-02 07:04:22 · 14 answers · asked by cucumis_sativus 5

I'm as small as an ant, as big as a whale. I'll approach like a breeeze, but can come like a gale. By some I get hit, but all have shown fear. I'll dance to the music, though I can't hear. Of names I have many, of names I have one. I'm as slow as a snail, but from me you can't run. What am I?

2007-03-02 06:42:36 · 32 answers · asked by moonkissedwarrior 2

I don't know the answer & was hoping someone would...Here ya go...

A mother has 10 kids...7 & a half of them are boys...How is this possiable?

2007-03-02 06:41:27 · 13 answers · asked by Aimee W 1

A lateral thinker for people who like to work out puzzles. I've put this in jokes because you lot are really nice people.

I'll put the answer up tomorrow about 4pm

2007-03-02 06:41:11 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

They say that the only true wisdom comes from knowing that we know nothing. Did you know that??? Well you do now...

So since you know that... then, you know something, right?

So you don't know nothing, right?

So you can't be truly wise, now can you???

So education only serves to take away our wisdom... Then what is the point of it? And do you think Yoda is a high-school dropout?

2007-03-02 06:40:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous