Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Can you solve this riddle?

2007-03-02 06:39:29 · 16 answers · asked by moonkissedwarrior 2

2007-03-02 06:34:07 · 51 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-02 06:31:29 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

can you say "My dads got the hots for you" The next day the boy comes home and his father ask's what the teacher said. Oh the boy says Sir wasn't at school today!!

2007-03-02 06:30:43 · 21 answers · asked by Chris 5

Two eminent surgeons - one Indian the other African - were arguing bitterly during an international convention.

"No, said the Indian, "I tell you it is woomba."

The African was equally adamant. "And I`m telling you it is whooooommm."

After ten minutes of this, an English surgeon interrupted. "Excuse me chaps but, I think the word you`re trying to say is womb."

When the Englishman had gone, the African turned to the Indian and said " I bet he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one f@rt under water!"

2007-03-02 06:28:51 · 17 answers · asked by Tink 5

2 men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, & the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, close the door & start the engines start The passengers begin glancing nervously around searching for a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster down the runway & the people sitting in window seats realize they're heading straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.


Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.


In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the oth

2007-03-02 06:24:27 · 20 answers · asked by Shy Ted 3

Joke: Italian man making confession
Posted on February 27, 2007 10:00 PM, Filed under Jokes

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

2007-03-02 06:17:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me.

2007-03-02 06:11:57 · 20 answers · asked by Shy Ted 3

So at 12 midnight last night I went to the thermostat that controls the temperature of my house to turn down the temperature so my house would cool off. Then suddenly with out warning I realized that I had received a letter in the mail from my editor who double checks my work.

She was commenting on an observation she made of my written book. In the letter she made a note to mention that my autobiography of my self was nothing more than a written list of unnecessary redundancies repeated more than once.

Was this funny? Yes or no?

2007-03-02 06:11:22 · 12 answers · asked by Beef 5

2007-03-02 05:59:25 · 10 answers · asked by t3chon3 1

He's very good.

If you tell him you want a second opinion, he'll go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before realizing she was Chinese.

He gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

While talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." He said, "Tell him I can't see him."

A man came running in the office and yelled "Doctor, Doctor!! my son just swallowed a roll of film!!" The doctor replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops.

A patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. The doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"

I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."

2007-03-02 05:58:49 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

W OMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

2007-03-02 05:52:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband found himself in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife angrily told him, "Tomorrow there better be something for me in the driveway that goes from zero to 160 in five seconds or less."
The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Visiting hours for the husband at the hospital are limited due to the extent of the injuries...

2007-03-02 05:51:53 · 18 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

;D :) :>) *(:>() whats the next face?

2007-03-02 05:51:46 · 3 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

2007-03-02 05:38:54 · 3 answers · asked by Valkyrie of Lor 6

2007-03-02 05:37:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anybody know the best knock knock joke... well it can be almost the best too. just ANY knock knock joke!!

2007-03-02 05:35:17 · 10 answers · asked by marysheckler 1

How do you confuse an archeologist?

Give a used tampon and ask him to guess what period its from...

Just thought I'd share that with you as it gave me a chuckle. Hope you like it too

2007-03-02 05:33:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

So, I've heard this before:
There are only three words in the English language that end in -gry
Two are hungry and angry. What is the third?
Is this true, and if so, does anyone know the third one?

2007-03-02 05:25:56 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

1)If an individual went to bed at 8 pm, set a regular alarm to get up at 9 in the morning, and got up when the alarm went off, how many hours of sleep wud he get?
2)Do they hav a 4th of July in England?
3)How many bdays does the average person have?
4)Can a man living in AZ be buried in the east of the Misisipi River?
5)If u had a match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood burning stove, which wud u light 1st?
6)Some months have 30 days, some have 31, how many hav 28?
7)If your Dr. gave u 3 pills to take 1 every 1/2 hour, how long wud they last?
8)A hunter left his house, walked 3 miles south, walked 3 miles west, shot and killed a bear, and walked 3 miles noth to his home. Wat color was the bear?
9)How far can a dog run into the forest?
10)There are 2 US coins that total 55cents. 1 of the coins isnt a ninickel. Wat r the 2 coins?
11)Wat is the minimum # of active baseball players on the field during any part of an inning?

2007-03-02 05:23:43 · 14 answers · asked by daydream♥believer 4

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

2007-03-02 05:19:19 · 14 answers · asked by Thejames A 1

I love these puzzles/questions but can't find any good ones on internet. have you got any? it may help if you post the answer too!

i dont want riddles :)

2007-03-02 05:14:22 · 5 answers · asked by lyd 1

1 - (Born from the fruit of the stupid tree) I have drool running down the side of my mouth
2 - (Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid) I kin mabe spel a few wordds
3 - (Rock-hard stupid) - I have very poor common sense *A penny is in the street, a truck is driving towards you.....OOH LOOK MOMMY PENNY*
4 - (Epiphany of stupid) A little stupid, but not much..im subpar when compared to others
5 - (Average joe) Not too smart, not too stupid..but definitely won't make any prosperous acts
6 - (Fairly smart) When it comes to alot of things, I am somewhat knowledgeable
7 - (Smart) Well, I got good grades in school, and I would definitely make the honors in college!
8 (Really smart) - I'd be qualified for the head of a company!
9 (Almost a genius) - If you gave me 100 tests, I bet I could get 98%+ on average
10 (The next einstein) - I might be able to invent something worth billions!

2007-03-02 05:13:21 · 8 answers · asked by Thejames A 1

Sometimes You've Gotta Love Drunk People......

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3 o' clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man sighs, does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.

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"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk?

2007-03-02 05:09:05 · 8 answers · asked by ladyP 3

I've tried everything, but he just ignores me. People said to give him time andattention and he would grow to love me. I give him special food, make sure he's always got enough to drink and even sing to him.

I'm getting no response, though. I tried stroking him seductively last night and he just sat there, silent, cold and limp.

How long does it take to get a rubber plant to love you back?

2007-03-02 05:04:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr.Bean
London
UK

2007-03-02 04:57:01 · 11 answers · asked by Suhas N 1

one man makes it.
one man sells it.
one man uses it but dose not know
what is it

2007-03-02 04:42:58 · 9 answers · asked by thefemalealphawolf 3

2007-03-02 04:37:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anne 1

Give me the longest, trash-talking, name-calling sentence that discribes Bobby Brown...Funniest Earns an Easy 10pts


~FYI ~

Bobby Brown signed a contract with a local DC radio station that agreed to pay his outstanding Child Support cost of $19, 000+ in order to get him out of jail. In return, He would have to come to DC and work for the radio station, like doing promo clips and talking on air....we are not talking about HARD PHYSICAL LABOR here people. Any way the radio station paid his debt and he was released from jail..As of this morning he has backed out of the deal and is basically like "Your lost, Suckers!" This really infuriated me this morning and i just want to hear some Bobby Brown put downs to make me feel better....

♥

2007-03-02 04:33:27 · 2 answers · asked by Snow Bunnie 4

M V E M ? S U N P

2007-03-02 04:33:20 · 6 answers · asked by Veruca Salt 6