Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Rocket launches from Houston to Mars with two monkeys and a woman.

Houston calls first monkey: "adjust oxygen 20%,stop radar,phase to warp factor 3".

Monkey one: "ok, done".

Houston calls second monkey: "switch off engine three,start radiation shield,adjust anti-gravitational throttle".

Monkey two: "ok, done"



Houston to woman: "feed monkeys and don't f**k**g touch anything!".

2007-03-04 02:55:58 · 7 answers · asked by 2bitnobody 2

i have hundreds of legs, but cannot stand.
i have a long neck, but heads i have none.
i cannot see, but im as neat and tidy as can be.

what am i?

star me if you love me baby!

2007-03-04 02:54:18 · 16 answers · asked by Jaimee1987 5

2 gays go to the fairground, one asks the other if he wants to go on the big dipper, no, he replies, I am scared of heights, so he waits while the other one goes on, he goes round once and enjoys it so much he goes round again he then decides to go round again but this time the car comes off the rails and crashes to the ground.

The other one rushes over and asks if his freinds hurt, hurt he says, hurt of course i'm hurt, I passed you twice and you never even waved

2007-03-04 02:51:52 · 35 answers · asked by Tink 5

Yes this is actually my video, so enjoy:

This is what I encountered on the way to do something at the post office this past week, enjoy (note thats not me talking in the backround)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Zk0ovpNPygo

2007-03-04 02:45:59 · 3 answers · asked by Mike R 2

there is this man, who is in the hosptial, who hails a passing nurse, he is drowsy from meds given to him earlier, he asks the nurse and she interprets the question to be, " are my testicles black?" and confused, she goes over to check. after wards he feels a little less drowsy, and he goes " that was very nice, but really, are my test results back?"

2007-03-04 02:44:06 · 4 answers · asked by Sir. ChatsAlot 3

steve, who works in the circus trade, is carrying three solid gold bars each waying 1kg. he gets to a bridge with a sign that reads ''maximum of 80kg only''. as steve ways 78kg, and the bridge is too long for him to throw the gold to the other side, how does he get across in one trip?

answer will follow shortly, please give a star if you enjoyed this riddle.

2007-03-04 02:40:04 · 56 answers · asked by Jaimee1987 5

I went to get my results from my doctor.
He said there was good news and bad news.
I asked for the good news first.
He said:


The good news is. We've named a disease after you.......

2007-03-04 02:29:17 · 19 answers · asked by 2bitnobody 2

• Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

• Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."

• "I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."

• Tech Support: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."
Tech Support: "What program is it?"
Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."
Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"
Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."

• Customer: "File manager? What's that?"
Tech Support: "How long have you had your computer?"
Customer: "Three years."

• "I have a 386 Pentium."

• "My brother has a 486 with a Pentium chip in it."

• Customer: "The computer told me it had contagious memory. Does it have a virus?"
Tech Support: "No, that is 'contiguous' memory, as in 'sequential'."
Customer: "That is impossible, it said 'contagious'."
Tech Support: "Type 'mem' and hit the 'enter' key." Customer: "Oh."

• "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

2007-03-04 02:15:33 · 24 answers · asked by Tink 5

Peas on earth!!

2007-03-04 02:14:43 · 26 answers · asked by 2bitnobody 2

TOP TEN LINES FROM INTERNET CHAT ROOMS

1 You're different... I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before.

2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile... but tell me more about yourself.

3 I never do Cybers$x! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited.

4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!

5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out.

6 Yes of course I'm female...

7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend.

8 No this is my only screen name... You mean you can have more then one?

9 I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)

10 I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I'm h0rny and could care less, just type)

And I am number 4! ;)

2007-03-04 02:06:01 · 23 answers · asked by Tink 5

Which is faster: Hot or Cold?

2007-03-04 02:05:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

so this movie im not sure of... i've heard the movie is based on a "acid trip"..here are some things i heard..

CHARACTER= WHAT IT SYMBOLIZES
*white rabbit= the acid
*the daisies (before chasing the rabbit)=how she sniffs them it shows how drugs can be sniffed liked that..
*the cookies and drinks who say "eat me or drink me"=how people are pressured into it..
*The caterpillar= obvious that he's smoking...
*Mushroom= It shows how in drugs u can never have too much or too little.. (taller and shorter)
*the dissapearing cat= they say that when u take acid u dont see things in one whole instead just parts of it dissapear and reveal..
*The mad hatter=the madd hatter FORCES her to have tea ...shows how drug dealers can be
*Floating down into the rabbits hole= when u take acid it feels like ur floating..
*the small door to enter that wonderland place=it shows how far people can go just to fit in by taking the drink (which symbolizes drugs)

well is this a myth or real??

2007-03-04 02:00:04 · 10 answers · asked by nancyluvsyou101 1

what can you put in a barell full of water to make it weigh less

2007-03-04 01:59:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The blonde goes to play golf - her ball end up in the woods - she goes off to find it but instead finds a frog stuck in a trap.
The frog yells to her for help - Please free me, If you do i will grant you 3 wishes.the blonde frees the frog where after the frog says I will grant you 3 wishes but be carefull what you wish because for every wish you make your husband will receive the same wish x 10.The blond wishes that she is the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog says- you do understand tha will make your husband the most beautiful man ever on the face of the earth and all woman will flock to him - she replies - that does not matter, if I am the most beautiful woman on earth he will only have eyes for me.
Her second wish she wishes to be the riches woman in the world -again the frog says but that will make your husband even more rich. she says it does not matter we share everything. For her last wish she tries to be very cleaver and wishes for a mild heartattack

2007-03-04 01:56:35 · 12 answers · asked by Juanita L 2

2007-03-04 01:43:30 · 8 answers · asked by captive 2

Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chop per was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

2007-03-04 01:37:05 · 7 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

"you look a bit down mate," the barman said to him. "What's the matter?" "I'm in real trouble," the stud said.
"Some pissed off husband wrote to me and told me he'd cut of my nads if i didn't stop sleeping with his wife."
:So stop," said the barman
"I can't," said the stud " He didn't sign his name."

2007-03-04 01:29:51 · 3 answers · asked by jungle_farnorth 2

My a$$!!!



( i know it doesn't make any sense, but its from a movie, so GET OFF MY BACK, thanks bye)

2007-03-04 01:24:29 · 3 answers · asked by Carolinapanthersfan8 2

They were both sitting there, chillin out and getting baked. Then one of them yelled "Bloody hell it's hot!" "Holy crap," thought the other muffin,"A talking muffin."

2007-03-04 01:03:42 · 16 answers · asked by jungle_farnorth 2

A cowboy in the american west, reconnoitring native indian territory, saw a band of two and a half dozen warriors. Fearing he would be captured, he wanted to leave a message for his colleagues, who were following him, but he had no pen and paper. In fact all he could find were five fencing posts. How, using them could he pass on the information?

2007-03-04 01:02:30 · 6 answers · asked by fynxworld 1

The teacher disagrees, but the student goes on and on untill she stops and says " When I die and got to heaven I'll ask him and prove you wrong", The teach then says" What if Joanna went to hell", without missing a beat the students says " Then you can ask Him" !!!

2007-03-04 01:02:11 · 22 answers · asked by Carolinapanthersfan8 2

Wipe your mouth, there's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable....... like a coma!

Never go to bed angry.......stay up and plot your revenge.

Don't believe everything you think.

Well, aren't you the most adorable black hole of need.

Shhhh!........that the sound of nobody caring what you think.

If you have something to say, raise your hand......and place it over your mouth!

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning??

Everyone seems normal......until you get to know them.

I really don't know what you're problem is......but I bet it hard to pronounce.

Don't make me use "upper case"!

You're not yourself today........I noticed an improvement immediately.

Would you like some cheese with that whine??

Don't let your mind wonder.....it's too small to be let out on its own.

I heard you changed your mind at last.......what did you do with the diaper?

If there is a tourist season......how come we can't shoot 'em?

Life is too short to dance with ugly people.

Tell the ACLU, as long as there are tests in schools, there will always be Pray.

If you woke up breathing.......congratulations you have another chance.

I'm going south for the winter....actually.....parts of me are headed there already.

My bra could be called a "cross-your-waist". I now have 42 longs.

My sex life isn't dead......but the buzzards are circling.

Blessed are the cracked.....for they are the ones who let in the light.

Remember good friends are like the stars, you can't always see them but you know they are there.

2007-03-04 00:39:46 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Water in the carburettor?" the man grunted. "that's ridiculous, You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out , where is the car?"

"In the pool," the woman replied.

2007-03-04 00:32:51 · 12 answers · asked by jungle_farnorth 2

My speech is about healthy schools and dinners. I talk about how some schools are selling chips at break and how the kids are still buying them. I don't want to bore the judges so does anyone know any appropiate humour I can slip in? Thank you.

2007-03-04 00:32:01 · 7 answers · asked by ♥frodo_covcity♥ 2

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!!




Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Cos they're always a little short


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

2007-03-04 00:03:06 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

PALINDROMES - word or sentence that reads the same backwards and forwards

1. murder for a jar of red rum

2. never odd or even

3. no lemons, no melon

4. nurse! i spy gypsies! run

5. party booby trap

6. was it car or a cat i saw?

:))

2007-03-04 00:02:53 · 5 answers · asked by mar 2

Shamus was getting irritated and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"



Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do...Paddy says to Mary,
"Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with anymore children."
So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the wee ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm.." Paddy scratches his head and says:
"Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a ceili band at 4:00 o'clock in the morning????"


Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?



A. One less Drunk

2007-03-03 23:44:43 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

blah..
im really bored got any riddles?
or possibly a really good joke?
for 10 pt.

thanks in advance

2007-03-03 23:35:09 · 8 answers · asked by asdfjkl; 2

and this is mine:
2 snow men talking, one says to the other " Are you smelling carrots" ????

2007-03-03 23:34:23 · 7 answers · asked by asker 1

his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah, I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." After supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "Hey, there's only an inch of water in the tub!" "Yes," the husband replies. "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

2007-03-03 23:09:43 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous