Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Always invisible yet never out of sight.What is the answer?

2007-03-04 05:22:56 · 4 answers · asked by robyn6321 1

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50."And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch,it's a Ferrari."

if you like this can u pls gimme a star

2007-03-04 05:22:46 · 6 answers · asked by ♥ DoodleDee 6

: i turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?
Help! It's bugging me!

2007-03-04 05:17:47 · 11 answers · asked by pb. 2

A farmer was sat at his kitchen table when he heard a knock on the door. He answered the door to a smartly dressed gentleman. I am from the insurance company, said the man, and I've come with a cheque for ten thousand pounds for the fire you had a couple of months ago. Thank you said the farmer, its very kind of you to deliver it in person instead of putting it in the post. No problem said the man, I was in the area anyway to take a cheque for fifteen thousand pounds to a farmer up the road who had a flood a few month ago. Oh said the farmer, how do you start one of them then?

2007-03-04 05:05:28 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

what do you think? a star??! :)

2007-03-04 05:03:39 · 16 answers · asked by ♥ DoodleDee 6

A magician was boasting one day about how long he could hold his breath under water.His record was 6 minutes.A kid listening said,"That's nothing,I can stay under water for 10 minutes using no kind of equipment or air pockets!!"The magician told the kid if he could do that he'd give him $10,000.The kid did that and won the money.Can you figure out how?(this is easy if you think about it!!)

2007-03-04 05:03:34 · 5 answers · asked by robyn6321 1

any good pranks will do
please don`t send me ones that involve the use of animals or that will hurt anybody. also the pranks you send can`t be ones that will get us arrested and must be possible for 2 junior high girls to pull off.

2007-03-04 05:01:47 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-04 04:49:46 · 6 answers · asked by unicornfarie1 6

2007-03-04 04:42:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I eradicate problems. My first half, when capitalized, is an acronym related to sleep. What am I?

2007-03-04 04:38:02 · 5 answers · asked by courtney the ho 2

*My Daddy the Dancer*

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth; however, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the
other kids."

2007-03-04 04:37:06 · 22 answers · asked by uab_skinhead 3

A friend of mine was a bookkeeper. One day while at work, he noticed that balloon has two double letters - two l's and two o's. And even though he thought and thought, he couldn't think of a word that had three. Can you?

Ten points to the first person who gets it.

2007-03-04 04:36:36 · 5 answers · asked by Lizzie 4

One day back in '76 my friend and I went to the grand opening of a Harmony House record store. My friend dared me to steal a record, so I stuck a 45 down my pants, and not wanting them to know went to the counter to buy 2 of those little plastic adapter things for 45's. The clerk,(who was a woman) looks down at me and asks, "Is that a record in your pants?"
I said,"I don't know about that, but I'm pretty proud of it!!!!!!!"

2007-03-04 04:35:42 · 2 answers · asked by ♪♪♫ DINO ♪♫♪ 4

how do you confuse a blonde?
put two spades against a wall and tell her to take her pick

2007-03-04 04:23:29 · 13 answers · asked by DAVID C 2

Dear Friend,

when i ask u flower,
u give me bouquet
when i ask u a stone
u give me a statue
when i ask u a feather
u give me peacock

ARE U REALLY DEAF ?

I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!



when i call u;
1 ring means i'm thinking of u;
2 ring means i like u;
3 means i miss u;
4 means ........pick d phone idiot

Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change
it to
exclamatory sentence ..
Student : WOW !

The human brain is most outstanding thing.......
it functions 24hrs 365 days.....
it functions right from the time u r Born....until you fall in
love

SMILE - is a language of love
SMILE - is a source to win hearts...
SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality
SO....
Brush ur Teeth today onwards

2007-03-04 04:18:51 · 14 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4

englishman, irishman and a scotsman all work at a quarry. At lunch,Paddy, the irish man opens his sanwich and says '' ham again, ive been married for 25 years and i always get ham sandwiches for lunch, if it happens tommorrow, im gonna jump into the quarry.Jim, the scotsman man opens his sandwich and says ''chicken, i hate chicken. ive been married for 35 years and every day its chicken, if it happens tommorrow, im gonna jump into the quarry.Bill, the english man opens his sandwich and says ''every day i get spam, i hate spam and if i get it tommorrow im gonna jump in the quarry. so the next day the irish man gets ham, so he goes over to the quarry and says ''goodbye cruel world'' and jumps in. the scotman see's that he again has chicken and does the same. the english man opens his sandwich and sees that it full of spam he bursts into tears and jumps in to the quarry. seeing this, a coworker shakes his head and says ''what a waste of life, but i though bill always made his own lunch!!!

2007-03-04 04:13:50 · 11 answers · asked by Jaimee1987 5

An old man walks into a doctor's office and demanded the quack have a look at his d£ck.
"Why, what's wrong with it?" the doc asked.
"I'll show you", the oldie yelled, and dropped his trousers. His d£ck was the size of a jellybean, and the doctor couldn't help himself. He burst out laughing.
"It's nothing to laugh at," complained the old man, close to tears.
"It's been swollen like that for the last three days!"

2007-03-04 04:13:40 · 33 answers · asked by Tink 5

which is the longest rope in the whole world?

2007-03-04 04:07:39 · 12 answers · asked by Pentecost 1

whats the difference between a woman and a fridge?
a fridge dosen't make a noise when you take the meat out,oops here comes another violation ha ha

2007-03-04 04:07:36 · 15 answers · asked by DAVID C 2

I live in a city that has 3 pro sports teams and it rocks. Where am I? (I think this is easy)

2007-03-04 04:01:13 · 17 answers · asked by nursie 3

Difference between boys and girls

When getting cash from an ATM








Boys:





1- Drive to the bank, park, and go to the Cash Dispenser


2- Insert card


3- Dial code and desired amount


4-Take the cash and the card








Girls:





1-Drive to the bank


2-Check make-up in the mirror


3- Apply perfume


4- Manually check haircut


5- Park car - failure


6- Park car - failure


7- Park car - success


8- Search for the card in the handbag


9- Insert card, rejected by the machine


10- Throw phone card back in handbag


11- Look for bank card


12- Insert card


13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag


14- Enter code


15-Study instructions for 2 minutes


16- #Cancel#


17- Re-enter code


18- #Cancel#


19- Call husband to get correct code


20- Enter desired amount


21- #Error#


22- Enter bigger amount


23- #Error#


24- Enter maximum amount


25- Cross fingers


26- Take cash


27- Go back to the car


28- Check make-up in rear mirror


29- Look for keys in handbag


30- Start car


31- Drive 50 meters


32- STOP


33- Drive back to bank machine


34- Go out of the car


35- Take card back from machine


36- Go back to the car


37- Throw card on passenger seat


38- Check make-up in rear mirror


39- Manually check haircut


40- Go into roundabout - wrong way


41- BREAK


42- Go into roundabout - right way


43- Drive 5 kilometers


44- Remove hand break

2007-03-04 03:48:15 · 22 answers · asked by Sara *Life is so unlike theory* 5

I'm 67and I hve dis 12yr old girl who says she is preggers and doesnt belive her b/f is gay, cause he don know de answer to pie are square(cause everyone knows pie are round, cornbread are square), and all the kids in class make fun of me cause lick my eyebrows, and droll on the blackboard eraser, and my step dad just farted in my tomato soup, cause like my toe-jam smells like wet teeshirts and like how should I dress to go to the sock hop ball, with my best friends girl, or should I just take my dog whose hair is falling out, and like well, what should I do? I NEED HELP...
FAST CAUSE MY PAPER IS DUE, AND I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, CAUSE LIKE, (Arent you just sick of all the teeny-bopper crap in answers?) I know I am...

2007-03-04 03:42:31 · 11 answers · asked by The Emperor of Ecstasy 5

A man is on an island and finds and old dusty lamp...he rubs it to clean off the dust and out pops a genie....
"I am the genie of the lamp," says the genie "I will grant you three wishes, and three only, no wishing for more wishes, but know this, what ever you wish for your ex-wife gets twice as much!"

So the first wish, he wishes for a billion dollars and the genie folds his arms, bows his head and blinks his eyes at the same time and the man has a billion dollars. Then the genie tells him that his
ex-wife also has got money but she has two billion.

The second wish the man wishes for an enormous mansion and the genie folds his arms, bows his head and blinks his eyes at the same time and suddenly the enormous mansion appears before him....but of course the genie informs him that now his ex-wife also has one too and it is double the size of his!

Before making the third wish....the man is in such a happy mood and smiling so big and the genie asks "Why are you in such a good

2007-03-04 03:38:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."

2007-03-04 03:33:16 · 51 answers · asked by Tink 5

one day on a farm, one of the baby chicken falls into the well. the mother hen cries ''quick get the BMW''. so the sheep tie a rope to it and manage the get the chick out. the next day the same thing happens again but before the sheep can get the car the horse comes over, drops his wang in the well and pulls the chick to safety.

the moral of the story?

when you're hung like a horse you dont need a BMW to pull a chick!

2007-03-04 03:24:47 · 12 answers · asked by Jaimee1987 5

I start and end 2 common English words. One painfull in love, One painfull in everyday matter. Do you know what 2 words I must be?

2007-03-04 03:14:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the
tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for
this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink
and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I
am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it
up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer
problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.

2007-03-04 03:08:44 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

a woman shoots her husband,
holds him under water for 20 minutes,
than hangs him,
yet that evening they go out andenjoy a lovely meal together, how?

2007-03-04 03:08:01 · 16 answers · asked by Jaimee1987 5

Snow White and the seven dwarfs earned a salary. The dwarfs earned twenty dollars each and Snow White earned $3.50 more than the eight averaged together. How much did Snow White earn?

2007-03-04 03:02:02 · 10 answers · asked by *~*flyleaf rocks out loud*~* 2

It cannot contain stuff you could get reported for.

2007-03-04 02:58:04 · 18 answers · asked by anonymous 2