Can you read this without laughing??

Question

Wipe your mouth, there's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable....... like a coma!

Never go to bed angry.......stay up and plot your revenge.

Don't believe everything you think.

Well, aren't you the most adorable black hole of need.

Shhhh!........that the sound of nobody caring what you think.

If you have something to say, raise your hand......and place it over your mouth!

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning??

Everyone seems normal......until you get to know them.

I really don't know what you're problem is......but I bet it hard to pronounce.

Don't make me use "upper case"!

You're not yourself today........I noticed an improvement immediately.

Would you like some cheese with that whine??

Don't let your mind wonder.....it's too small to be let out on its own.

I heard you changed your mind at last.......what did you do with the diaper?

If there is a tourist season......how come we can't shoot 'em?

Life is too short to dance with ugly people.

Tell the ACLU, as long as there are tests in schools, there will always be Pray.

If you woke up breathing.......congratulations you have another chance.

I'm going south for the winter....actually.....parts of me are headed there already.

My bra could be called a "cross-your-waist". I now have 42 longs.

My sex life isn't dead......but the buzzards are circling.

Blessed are the cracked.....for they are the ones who let in the light.

Remember good friends are like the stars, you can't always see them but you know they are there.

The admin police are after me......give me some love.

For those of you who can't laugh, you have lost your sense of humor.

Answer 1

No, I cant! Thanks.

Here's an exchange.

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

> Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
> husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of automatically telling me
> it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
> "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
> paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
> Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in
> front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this
> take?" I ask.
> "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
> I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
> breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
> Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
> He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even
> walk again. Stupid, stupid man.
>

Answer 2

Easily.

Answer 3

Yup

Answer 4

Im gonna use "Shhhh!........thats the sound of nobody caring what you think." in the future, thats a good one.

Answer 5

Never go to bed angry.......stay up and plot your revenge.

thats the best

Answer 6

Very comical..thanks for the laugh today

Answer 7

I'm going to use this one: If you have something to say, raise your hand......and place it over your mouth! very funny stuff.

Answer 8

Some of these are amusing in that asshole, conceited humorous way. But they aren't THAT witty.

Answer 9

Stoney silence, lips didn't even move, don't give up your day job. Perhaps it's the way you tell them.

Answer 10

I wasnt laughing, I smiled, does that count?

Anyway these are good!! I'm gonna start using them on my friends...lol