Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-01 07:04:39 · 13 answers · asked by Zefram 2

can be about any team, player, fans etc etc as long as they're good!

2007-01-01 07:01:23 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor is sitting in his surgery preparing to write out a prescription for a patient. He reaches into the top pocket of his white coat and pulls out a rectal thermometer. ‘Damn!’ he swears. ‘That means some arsehole must have my pen.’

2007-01-01 06:56:17 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sardarji happened to participate in a competition,which was about
writing a shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients viz. religion, sex, suspense and mystery. Sardarji's turn came after many attempts by others. Sardarji gave a story, which was just one sentence and read 'O god, my wife is going to deliver a child'. Ostensibly amused, the organizers asked the sardarji whether it contained all the four ingredients!! Sardarji replied affermatively and gave his explanation as below:
O god : religion,
My wife: sex ,
going to deliver a child: suspense (whether a girl or a boy)
'But where is mystery?' asked one of the organizer.
The sardar replied :
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who is the father???

2007-01-01 06:50:28 · 30 answers · asked by Blah ! 2

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

2007-01-01 06:48:04 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man gets his first job, in a morgue. An experienced man shows him around the place and says " In drawer 14, there's a young attractive girl, I want you to give her a good clean and brush her hair, it's the funeral tomorrow and we want her to look good, any problems just give me a shout." The young man comes back after about 15 minutes and says "How come she's got a prawn hanging out of her vag*na?". "That's not a prawn you moron, it's a clitoris" says the old guy. " Well, it tasted like a prawn!" explains the young man.

2007-01-01 06:47:48 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm sure many of you have seen the 'finger in the air' responses by 'Devil's Advocate' or whatever other names he has. I wouldn't mind so much (it doesn't offend) but it's a bit pathetic, takes up a lot of reply space, is really immature, totally non-threatening and the quality of the messages are neither funny, witty, intelligent or useful. I assume they're posted by a recently pubescent kid who lacks friends, has never had a girlfriend, is probably bullied a lot in the real world and, probably, has a hang up about their looks, physique or intellectual abilities.

I've filed a few abuse reports - suggest you do the same.

It's a shame that such wimps feel so tough when they're behind a computer. I'd love to meet them in person. I'd rip their throats out.

Agree?!

2007-01-01 06:44:36 · 25 answers · asked by ? 5

A man goes to the toy store to buy his daughter a birthday present.
Being a real macho guy, he has no idea what to get her so he asks
for some assistance from a clerk.

"I thought I'd buy her a doll", he says, "but which one should I get?"

"Well, here we have some of the more popular ones. we have the Malibu
Barbie for $12.00, which comes with a bathing suit and a towel. We have
the Ballerina Barbie for $23.00, which comes with a tutu and a cassette.
We have the Aerobics Barbie for $30.00, which comes with a leotard and
a workout CD. And we have the new Divorce, Barbie for $1500.00."

The man was flabbergasted. "Why does that one cost so much more
than the others?"

"Oh well that's easy.", replied the clerk, "This Barbie comes with Ken's
car, Ken's boat, Ken's house, Ken's..."

2007-01-01 06:44:07 · 11 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

A cowboy visits the doctor with a rather nasty throat issue.

Doc says "how long have you had this problem for?"

Cowboy replys "i think its been about a yyyeeeeeaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

2007-01-01 06:39:16 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.

The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.

He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''

The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

2007-01-01 06:38:03 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Secret of Speed

Plane: How do you fly so fast?

Rocket: You'll know when your a-s is on fire!



Dolly Parton's Kids

Q: How can you find Dolly Parton's kids in a crowd?
A: They're the ones with the stretchmarks on their lips.



Sex Relatively Speaking

"Dad," asked son, "What's that shriveled up old thing on Grandma?"
Dad replied ''That's Grandpa!"

2007-01-01 06:35:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 men are walking through a park when they come across a dog licking its ball's.

1st bloke says -
"Jesus, look at that dog!! - I really wish i could do that!!!!"

2nd bloke says -
"well approach him slowly or he may bite!!!'

2007-01-01 06:29:08 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Budweiser

2007-01-01 06:28:06 · 3 answers · asked by Bruno C 1

my answer "It was God's will"
- oh yeah cant forget about the inbreeding

2007-01-01 06:26:37 · 5 answers · asked by Bruno C 1

2007-01-01 06:23:04 · 2 answers · asked by Bruno C 1

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story:

1 - Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.

2 - Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.

3 - And when you’re in deep doo-doo, keep your mouth shut.

2007-01-01 06:15:31 · 23 answers · asked by a m 4

Jesus walks in to an inn one rainy night and puts a hammer and some nails on the counter and says " Innkeeper, can you put me up for the night?"

2007-01-01 06:10:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Bakery Called, Fatty

The bakery called -- they want their rolls back!


Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!''
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''



What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

Both of their balls are just for decoration.

2007-01-01 06:07:07 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the lion get lost in the jungle?
Because 'jungle is massive'!!

A Brit told it to me, I don't get it.

2007-01-01 06:01:19 · 53 answers · asked by Maggie 1

serve your kind here." So the string goes across the street and tells a friend to tie him in a knot and fray his edges. So the guy does it and the string says thank you. Then the strin g goes back across the street and goes into the bar and orders a beer. Again the guy says we don't serve your kind, but the string says,"I'm afraid not."(I'm a frayed not.)

2007-01-01 05:59:33 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

went to buy a camouflage pair of trousers the other day.....but i couldnt find them!!

went to a seafood disco last week.....pulled a muscle!!!!

A man went to the docs and said Ive hurt my arm in several places. The doctor sez well dont go ther any more....

Phone answering machine message...If you want to buy marijuana press the Hash Key!!!!

There’s no pleasing women – they even moan when they’re having an orgasm

2007-01-01 05:49:02 · 9 answers · asked by postypaul 3

First one to get the answer right gets 10 easy points. Good luck!

A boy goes to the store and buys a bag of apples. On his way home he meets a friend. He gives his friend 1/2 of his apples plus 1/2 an apple. Then he meets a 2nd friend. He gives his 2nd friend 1/2 of the apples he has left plus 1/2 an apple. He meets a 3rd friend. He gives his 3rd friend 1/2 of the apples he has left plus 1/2 an apple. When he finally gets home he opens his bag and all he has left is one whole apple.

How many apples did he buy at the store?

2007-01-01 05:48:20 · 16 answers · asked by Average Joe 3

he was caught trying to rape a fart

2007-01-01 05:47:05 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give a man a fishing rod and you won't see him for a week.
Have you got a favourite misquote?

2007-01-01 05:40:05 · 6 answers · asked by Robin C 4

2007-01-01 05:39:36 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

If, having only one match, on a freezing winter day, you entered a room which contained a lamp, a kerosene heater, and a wood burning stove, which should you light first?

First correct answer will be awarded best answer.

2007-01-01 05:38:41 · 10 answers · asked by AngelWings 2

Frenchman, an Italian and an American were discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the
Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette
and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

2007-01-01 05:36:46 · 8 answers · asked by postypaul 3

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

2007-01-01 05:36:13 · 1 answers · asked by Pd 6

Britney, Craig David and Shaggy are all in a lift
One of them lets rip . . . who was that?
Shaggy's reply was " it wasen't me
Craig David's reply was " im walking away"
and Britney's reply was " ups i did it again "
( you have to know these songs to get the joke, otherwise you will not find it funny lol )

2007-01-01 05:35:35 · 11 answers · asked by red devil 3

A first grade teacher in NC told her class that she is a Duke fan and asked the class to raise their hands if they were Duke fans too. Everyone in the class raised their hands, except one girl. The teacher asked, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Duke fan," she said. The teacher was shocked, "Well then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Terp fan," she replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, Why are you a Terp fan?" "Because my mom and dad are Terp fans, so I am too!" "Well that's no reason. You don't have to be like your parents. What if your parents were snotty, arrogant jack-asses? What would you be then?" "Then", Janie smiled, "We'd be Duke fans."

2007-01-01 05:35:29 · 5 answers · asked by Katie M 1