Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Saviour?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

2007-01-02 01:48:21 · 30 answers · asked by SJ 2

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: "Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms."

2007-01-02 01:38:59 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention." The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

2007-01-02 01:32:51 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

What was Saddam's least favourite game to play?

Hangman

2007-01-02 01:11:16 · 32 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this year.

Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?

First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

2007-01-02 01:03:17 · 15 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

One of the worst was we went fishing off a boat. I wore a boob-tube constume and as i casted my costume rolled down till it reached my belly-button. Worst of all was i was not even aware of it , i was to busy reeling in Salmon [Fish].

Next thing was i had used the toilet at work, pulled up my long-pants and carried on serving customers with a long piece of toilet-roll sticking out from under my blouse. Helll, i nearly died.

Then walking around the Airport in Dubai with my zip open, why won't anybody ever ever tell you so you can fix it.:))

2007-01-02 01:01:27 · 13 answers · asked by Duisend-poot 7

Did you hear all those jokes about Saddam? They were poorly executed.

2007-01-02 00:59:32 · 31 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

A blonde was trying to sell her car, but was having a lot of problems selling it as it had 200,000kms on the clock.
She was thinking about this problem one day when a brunette workmate pulled her aside.

'There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal' the brunette said.
'That doesnt matter' replied the blonde, 'If I can only sell the car.'

'Okay' said the brunette. 'Heres the address of a friend of mine, he owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn back the counter in your car to 50,000kms. That will make it easier to sell.'

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
A few weeks later the brunette asked the blonde, 'Did you sell your car?'
'No' replied the blonde, 'Why should I? Its only got 50,000kms on it'

2007-01-02 00:58:42 · 16 answers · asked by DeeDee 5

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.

The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

2007-01-02 00:58:36 · 18 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

he couldnt make mine as he was hung over from the night before

2007-01-02 00:56:10 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her ****. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was!"

2007-01-02 00:52:56 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

2007-01-02 00:49:01 · 26 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't f*cking think so.

2007-01-02 00:46:27 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

2007-01-02 00:40:39 · 16 answers · asked by Mary 6

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

2007-01-02 00:39:50 · 19 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

did you hear about the blonde who went to the sales looking for something marked DOWN ???



she ended up buying

a LIFT



Q; why did the blonde fail her driving test



a: every time the car stopped she hopped into the back seat

2007-01-02 00:36:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-02 00:33:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

2007-01-02 00:31:12 · 21 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

2007-01-02 00:28:56 · 14 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

this man right here.

2007-01-02 00:26:48 · 5 answers · asked by Robert B 2

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

2007-01-02 00:25:27 · 19 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

...can would you still eat one/them?

2007-01-02 00:24:30 · 6 answers · asked by smiley754888 1

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

2007-01-02 00:22:59 · 13 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

2007-01-02 00:18:32 · 9 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

My husband said this the other day, it made me laugh so i thought i would ask....

2007-01-02 00:06:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

(I have people coming to visit next week from Paris.)

2007-01-01 23:50:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

excuse me, you're in my son

2007-01-01 22:03:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

2007-01-01 21:49:05 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".

2007-01-01 21:48:37 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

..was standing in a supermarket by the shelf holding various oil and water based "lubricants". Whenever somebody selected a product, either his own or a competing brand, he would ask a few questions, one of which was "what do you use this product for?"
He got some red-face and far-fetched answers:
"I've found this is very good for oiling my bicycle chain".
"It buff's up my leather sofa very nicely"
"It's a good selant on a leaky window until I get around to proper repairs".

until:

"Oh we use it during sex"
"Really? Would you mind giving a few more details?"
"Sure - we smear it all over the bedroom door-handle top stop our four-year-old from creeping in on us in the middle of the night."

2007-01-01 21:40:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous