Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Ok. A man was walking down the sidewalk. The sidewalk was pure concrete as in hard. The man had a tomatoe. The man was six foot tall. He dropped the tomatoe onto the pure hard concrete sidewalk but the tomatoe didn't break or bruise. What happened with the tomatoe? How did it not break or bruise?

2007-01-02 09:52:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to a Brothel. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She’s about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!
She runs out of the room, with his £200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He’s searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.

By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"

The fireman says, "No!"

The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It’s paid for."

2007-01-02 09:51:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Check out this link.
http://www.humor-pics.com/files/picture/48508999.jpg

2007-01-02 09:50:54 · 6 answers · asked by pinacoladasundae 3

2007-01-02 09:50:53 · 4 answers · asked by Chris cc 1

My vibrator,
Which bringz me heaven,
Rabbit b thy name.

Til Kingdom come,
Thy make me ***,
On earth with eyes on heaven.

Give me this day my daily thrill,
& forgive me my screams,
As I forgive flat batteries.

Lead me not into temptation,
But delivery me from my frustration.
For thine is the rotation,
The power & the buzzing,
For ever and ever,

No men

2007-01-02 09:50:29 · 8 answers · asked by Buffy 4

A man walks into a doctor’s and says "Doctor, I think I have a slight discharge." The female doctor says "Alright, pull your pants down and stand over there." The man pulls his pants down, and the doctor grabs his penis and starts massaging it gently. The bloke’s head starts wobbling and he has got a big smile on his face. After five minutes of this, the doctor says, "There’s no discharge here." The man replies " I know, it’s in my ear."

2007-01-02 09:47:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

2007-01-02 09:39:11 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

2007-01-02 09:32:06 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Drum Roll Please? <--besides those =)

2007-01-02 09:30:24 · 10 answers · asked by alxndra 2

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

2007-01-02 09:30:17 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yep, I'm stuck!

Please can anyone help?

2007-01-02 09:29:47 · 3 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2007-01-02 09:22:50 · 10 answers · asked by LucySD 7

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming,
"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded,
"Who the hell ARE you?".
Too that the Missus replied,
"I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

2007-01-02 09:22:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

2007-01-02 09:16:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

it is really easy

2007-01-02 08:52:33 · 14 answers · asked by Jamie H 2

Q- What's a mixed feeling ?
A- When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q- What's the height of conceipt ?
A- Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q - What's the definition of macho ?
A - Jogging home from your vascectomy
Q - What's the difference between a 'G' spot and a golf ball ?
A - A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q - Do you know how New Zealander's practice safe sex ?
A - They spray paint X's on the back of sheep that kick
Q - Why is divorce so expensive ?
A- Because it's worth it
Q- What is a Yankee ?
A -The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone
Q- What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common ?
A- They both like a tight seal
Q- What do a christmas tree and a priest have in common ?
A - Their balls are just for decoration
Q- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
A - Breasts don't have eyes
Q- If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love ?
A- The swallow

2007-01-02 08:49:55 · 10 answers · asked by JillPinky 7

2007-01-02 08:35:55 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

OK, I need simple but really funny pranks. Nothing big! It has to simple. And must be REALLY FUNNY! Help please?!

2007-01-02 08:31:11 · 7 answers · asked by [random name] 4

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."

"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"

The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

2007-01-02 08:31:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three generations of prostitutes, Daughter,Mother and Granny are sat around a table. Daughter mentions that she charged £40 for a gob job. She asks mother, who is retired "Mum, how much was a bl0w j0b when you did it?." Mother replies £10.They ask Grandma, also retired "How much did you charge for a bl0w j0b when you did it?" Grandma smiled. "CHARGE! We were glad to get a warm drink!"

2007-01-02 08:10:51 · 11 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

first few lines were:---

This is a tale of daniel morgan
the lad with the tiny sexual organ.

used to have this quite a while back but lost it before i could get it onto pc.

anyone got it or a link to it.

2007-01-02 08:09:26 · 2 answers · asked by dooglepuff 3

A blonde called a technician to say she couldn't get her computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble- shooting, the technician discovered the blonde was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Yet another blonde called to complain that her keyboard no longer
worked. She had cleaned it by filling up her tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

2007-01-02 08:07:47 · 7 answers · asked by Goldylocks 5

As soon as he came, she started to weep. She knew by the taste, he'd been f----@g her sheep.
2. Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday. His dad said "We'd get you one, but our mortgage is £80,000 and your mum has lost her job". Next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed His dad asks "Where you going son?" Patrick replied "I walked past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was coming too. I'm not staying here on my own with an £80,000 mortgage and no f----@g bike.
3. An ode to Steve !
A bright and brash Australian, the hunter was his name. And all those slimy reptiles brought him wealth and fame. Some say he was a looker, to girls he was a dish. He knew it all about crocodiles, but sweet f--ck all 'bout fish.
4. There was a tight man called Fred, who wanted a cheap water bed None could be found for under a pound so he peed on his mattress instead.

2007-01-02 08:00:03 · 28 answers · asked by JillPinky 7

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her priest she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Sainsbury's. "Sainsbury's?" the priest exclaimed. "Why Sainsbury's?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

2007-01-02 07:58:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know this is the Jokes and Riddle section but Ive decided that this is the forum where all the smart people chill and who could help me better with a riddle then the riddlers?? Ive been at this for hours!! I just cant get past this "behind the blinds" thing...Please Help... and just so people cant say I didnt give a joke....here....

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!''
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''



What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

Both of their balls are just for decoration.

Please help me with the weffriddle if possible...thanks guys

2007-01-02 07:42:44 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am back at work tomorrow and can't shake the feeling of gloom, I really want cheering up!

2007-01-02 07:29:14 · 26 answers · asked by pizzaboy_uk 1

who here actually like bush??

2007-01-02 07:25:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I rang saddam to wish him a happy new year but the muppet hung up

2007-01-02 07:06:51 · 6 answers · asked by ? 1

Frog, bald, wig, soap, dish, and water.
All of those words.

2007-01-02 07:02:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a big @ss head, my breath smells like a burnt turd with hair on it, I have the hairest @ss in the world, and I love to drink my own pee-pee. ???

2007-01-02 06:45:31 · 14 answers · asked by The Story Teller 2