Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

what do stars and fake teeth got in commen

2007-01-02 13:47:21 · 14 answers · asked by Unknown Artist~ 4

2007-01-02 13:40:14 · 11 answers · asked by Cindy 3

Here is a riddle that i would like to know the answer to,
What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you'll eat it you'll die ? ?

2007-01-02 13:35:14 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

'dick' cheney
george 'bush'

2007-01-02 13:32:39 · 20 answers · asked by Christ Follower 3

a very short man lives in a very tall and big building. when its sunny he takes the stairs, when its raining he takes the elevator, why????

2007-01-02 13:32:31 · 6 answers · asked by [♥] 4

This is sooo funny!!

2007-01-02 13:27:04 · 6 answers · asked by sexygal8321 4

So, do you WAX?????

Only a woman can laugh at this. No one else would dare! Hope you enjoy!
This has to be one of the funniest and most awful scenarios I have ever
heard of... Bless this woman!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner;
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my

mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should do the hair removal thing for
the month?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold
wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in

your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your
leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off! No mess, no fuss. How hard
can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but am mechanically inclined enough
that I can figure it out.

*YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each together,
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hairdryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this phrase
haunts me!).

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this!!!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body
hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!

With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the

bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the

inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and
brace myself....

RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH DEAR GOD !!!!!!!!!!!

I'm making noises that only dogs can hear .

Vision slowly returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
of

the strip. S**T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP...

Everything is swirly and spotted . I cannot breath or speak - I have
forgotten how ..

Do I hear crashing drums?????

Wait a few minutes and I'm back to normal (nearly) After all this I want to
see my trophy !!! - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused
me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it!

Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still

perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the
strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most
sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . .

Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do
something, so I put my foot down.

DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??

WRONG!!!!

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than then that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.

In scalding hot water!! (Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax) So, now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man what convinced me I
should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely
she's waxed before and has come secret of how to get me undone. It's a very
good conversation starter, "So my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!

There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to
hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located.

"Are we talking buttock cheek or is it covering - you know -
Everywhere(cringe factor 20000 at this point) ?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!

I should be the 'butt' of someone else's work-night jokes.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with
a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry
shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip
into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand
reaches towards the saving grace...The lotion they give you to remove the
excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my
friend, but I really don't care!!

"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to
my grief and despair...

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair colour . . . .

2007-01-02 13:21:47 · 26 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-01-02 13:14:55 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm not an airplane, but I can fly through the sky. I'm not a river, but I'm full of water. What am I?

2007-01-02 13:13:52 · 13 answers · asked by wa_tailback2 2

2007-01-02 13:08:13 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I dig out tiny caves, and store gold and silver in them. I also build bridges of silver and make crowns of gold. They are the smallest you could imagine. Sooner or later everybody needs my help, yet many people are afraid to let me help them. Who am I?

2007-01-02 13:07:44 · 6 answers · asked by wa_tailback2 2

It runs and runs but can never flee. It is often watched, yet never sees. When long it brings boredom, When short it brings fear. What is it?

2007-01-02 13:00:53 · 11 answers · asked by wa_tailback2 2

A sharpshooter hung up his hat and put on a blindfold. He then walked 100 yards, turned around, and shot a bullet through his hat. The blindfold was a perfectly good one, completely blocking the man's vision. How did me manage this feat (hint: it wasn't luck)?

2007-01-02 12:50:48 · 5 answers · asked by wa_tailback2 2

With no wings, I fly. With no eyes, I see. With no arms, I climb. More frightening than any beast, stronger than any foe. I am cunning, ruthless, and tall; in the end, I rule all. What am I?

2007-01-02 12:46:49 · 10 answers · asked by wa_tailback2 2

I am one simple word, but I mean different things
One of my meanings brings great forceful swings,
The other of me, may have curve, like the first...
But only one meaning can help quench a thirst.
One of my meanings will often bring cheers,
Either of them could hold a few beers.

2007-01-02 12:44:58 · 10 answers · asked by wa_tailback2 2

Every day a man leaves his apartment on the 46th floor and rides the elevator down to the first floor to go to work. Every evening at about 6 pm he gets in the elevator, takes it up to the 38th floor, gets out and walks up the stairs for the remaing eight floors until he reaches the 46th floor. Why?

2007-01-02 12:43:58 · 9 answers · asked by Deedeeyahoo 3

Okay. Tell me which relates to you the most. These were send by a friend via text message.

1. One day, as you were walking in the park, you saw the hottest guy in school with two of his bestfriends. When you walked past them, they giggled. Suddenly, your crush stood up and walked over to you, putting his hand in your waist. Your heart leaped. He then said "Did you forget to bring napkins?"

2. You were courting the opposite gender. It was going ok when the hottest guy courted your girl, too. But you, being brave, held on to your last hope. only to know that they were already together.

3. One day, as you were opening your locker, a letter from your biggest crush fell. You opened it, and it said I love you. You were so thrilled. You saw him went near you and said "Can you give that to your friend?"

4. (This is the longest one) Your BFF is the hottest girl in town. She had a boyfriend which you had a crush on. Bu they broke up, so you felt you had a chance. Months after,

2007-01-02 12:43:08 · 7 answers · asked by kim 4

when his mates stripped him, tied him to a lampost and tied a budgie bell to his manhood. Then they left him there.

The question is when the police arrived, should they have cut off the budgie bell so that he could come quietly .... or leave it there in case he needed a tinkle ( well he had a lot to drink ) ?

2007-01-02 12:39:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wot's greater than God,
More evil than the Devil,
The rich need it ,
The poor have it
and it you eat it u'll die?

2007-01-02 12:38:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

no, its not! (its snot)

2007-01-02 12:37:51 · 8 answers · asked by Pete_Cochino 2

You are walking through a field, and you find something to eat. It doesn't have bones, and it doesn't have meat. You pick it up and put it into your pocket. You take it home and put it on a shelf, but 3 day's later it walks away. What is it?

2007-01-02 12:37:30 · 6 answers · asked by wa_tailback2 2

Fred Astaires finger.

2007-01-02 12:34:40 · 6 answers · asked by Pete_Cochino 2

On the Friday before St. Peter's Fair, Abraham, a moneylender, was found dead, in the great hall of Keswick Castle. His wine had been poisoned with monk's hood and his silver pennies stolen.
The next day four men, seated on a bench and two stools in front of the fireplace of the great hall somberly discuss the terrible deed. Their names are Godfrid, Nicholas, Rannulf and Torsten. And the are (not neccessarily respectively the duke of Cumberland (and lord of Keswick Castle); the sheriff of Lakeshire; the abbot of Dalton Monastery; and the mayor of Penrith.
a) a servant purs a goblet of wine for Torsten and a horn of beer for Godfrid.
b)the mayor turns all the way around to watch the servant leave the hall. He them speaks to Nicholas next to him.
c)neither Rannulf nor Godfrid has any sisters.
d)the abbot drinks only water.
e) Rannulf, who is sitting on one of the stools, is the sheriff's brother-in-law. The abbot is next to Tannulf on his left.
(continued below....)

2007-01-02 12:33:55 · 2 answers · asked by Jim 2

@ the Bar, Frankie was munchin on some RAW Oysters 'Crunch! Crunch! crunch!' Steve is drinkin off some beer while telling Frankie about this funny joke..as Frankie pops ANOTHER oyster in his mouth and Starts Ka-runchin! 'krunch! Krunch! KA-runch!' then suddenly,...Frank goes "OOOHhhhhh!" in pain while clutchin his stomach "OOOHhhhhh! I think I ate too many Oysters!OOOHhhhhh!"
Steve: "Ummm are they FRESH??"
Frank: "I Dont know"
Steve: "Well, What do they LOOK like when u open them?"
Frank: "Huh? Youre suppossed to OPEN them!!??"
'Krunch! krunch -krnch.....'

2007-01-02 12:33:37 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cause, he uses monk keys.

2007-01-02 12:31:22 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

first one to get it right AND explain their answer gets 10 points!

2007-01-02 12:29:19 · 23 answers · asked by meda m 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3w3sqVJ8XA&mode=related&search=
would i b able do to that with my civic?

2007-01-02 12:27:25 · 3 answers · asked by Gandalf 6

All the electricity was out in town and none of the street lights or traffic signals had power. A dark limousine was cruising down the newly paved blacktop, with its headlights off. A young boy dressed totally in black (with no reflectors) stepped out to cross the street. The moon wasn?t out and the boy had no flashlight, yet the driver stopped to let the boy cross the street. How did the driver see the boy?

2007-01-02 12:22:40 · 10 answers · asked by wa_tailback2 2

There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls. What is it?

2007-01-02 12:20:30 · 5 answers · asked by wa_tailback2 2

Black I am and much admired, men seek me until they're tired. When they find me, they break my head, and take from me my resting bed. What am I?

2007-01-02 12:18:57 · 13 answers · asked by wa_tailback2 2