What is the funniest joke you have ever heard?

Question

I am back at work tomorrow and can't shake the feeling of gloom, I really want cheering up!

Answer 1

what is green and has wheels???
















the grass, i lied about the wheels

Answer 2

"Learn from the mistakes of others, You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself"


New CEO

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired
a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all
slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them
know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall
and asked, "Howmuch money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and
replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed,
"Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling
pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's."

Answer 3

If you have to find nice ideas for woodworking i can suggest you to check here http://woodworking.toptips.org
It's perfect if you are just starting out or if you're a seasoned carpenter. you will like it for sure !
It has almost 20.000 woodworking plans and you have a CAD/DWG software to view and edit the plans. You have step-by-step instructions with photos and high quality blueprints and schematics. If you are a beginner this is the easiest way to start your woodworking projects, and if you already have experience you can anyway find a lot of interesting ideas!

Answer 4

here
Three Explorers Are Captured...

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

Answer 5

A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.
The bar tender says, "What would you like, Sir?"
The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer."
He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?"
"I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich.
He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"
"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying."
"That will be $12.65" says the bartender.
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $12.65.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"What'll it be today?" says the bartender.
"Double whiskey on the rocks" says the man.
He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?"
"I'll join him in a double whiskey" says the ostrich.
He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"
"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying" says the cat.
"That will be $21.95" says the bartender.
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $21.95.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"Excuse me" the bartender says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?"
"Well" says the man, "when my grandmother died, she left me everything in her house, and inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy some-thing, I would have the exact change in my pocket".
"That's brilliant" says the bartender. "You'll never ever run out of money".
What else did you ask for?"
"A bird with long legs and a tight p*ssy"

Answer 6

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

^^haa uhm well here is a joke site that you can look at whatever kinds of jokes you want...


www.jokejam.com

amazing!~

hav fun at fxcking wurk! lol

Answer 7

Thor the god of thunder is bored, he cannot get off with any of the primadonna godesses.
He decides to take mortal form, and come to Earth for a good time.
He meets a women and convinces her to spend the night with him.
They are at it all evening, through the night, and into the morning.

Thor decides enough is enough and wants to tell her who he really is. He stands up with hands on hips and booms out "I AM THOR".
The woman says, "YOUR Thor, I am tho thor, I can't even pith".

Answer 8

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ....Nice children you've got there, are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? ..........Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replied the greeter, " I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

Answer 9

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the **** are you?" the man asks

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

Answer 10

A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under one arm, he says "do you have any fish cakes"? The chip shop owner replied "sorry, no". The man said "Thats a shame it's his birthday"!!!

Answer 11

All of the Pepito jokes the Spanish version of little Johny.