Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

2006-10-06 15:41:44 · 6 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

1. help desk people tell you how to do it, hang up the phone, and laugh at you with their coworkers

2. firemen do it with a big hose

3. crooks do it with a gun in their pocket

4. telemarketers do it with their mouths

5. physicists do it with a big bang

6. pet shop owners do it with hamsters

7. consultants tell you how to do it, charge you a fortune, but never actually do it themselves

8. spies do it undercover

9. statisticians are 95% confident that they do it

10. hackers do it with bugs

11. mortgage bankers do it with interest

12. radio operators do it with frequency

13. blondes do it with anyone

14. golfers do it in 18 holes

15. deep sea divers do it under extreme pressure

16. radio DJs do it on request

2006-10-06 15:37:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-06 15:28:37 · 14 answers · asked by Icey 2

A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

2006-10-06 15:02:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Margie decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.


He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"


Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle too.

2006-10-06 14:47:13 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective

2006-10-06 14:46:00 · 9 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

have fun !! :)

2006-10-06 14:39:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

2006-10-06 14:29:38 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your *** and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

2006-10-06 14:28:34 · 14 answers · asked by ? 5

lol BTW didn't make this up got it from internet.

2006-10-06 14:27:48 · 20 answers · asked by Carly 2

there are three men named poop shut up and manners. Ahhh! yells poop falling to the ground. "Here let me help!" says manners. Ding Dong! The doorbell rang. "i'll get it." So he opened the door. "hi i'm ur new neighbor wats ur name i brought a poem.la la la" "shut up." "what?" "shut up." "whats ur name sir???" "shut up" "oh my! where is your manners?" "oh manners? hes picking up poop. " " Oh! I didn't even get to know your name!" "shut up" He said. then she slammed the door shut. "Whats her problem?" "shut up" said poop. "thats my name!" whatd u think. please don't be brutal!

2006-10-06 14:25:46 · 11 answers · asked by Carly 2

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes
or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends
are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue,
so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun
and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do
not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
only
word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry, I
will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places
where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places
where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks
homes
are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing,
merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and
with
whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and
nothing
but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the
house.
Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car
with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
clear
voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then
return
to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged
face
at the window is mine.

2006-10-06 14:23:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
Other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print
in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but
sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or
feline
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I
cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids .. they eat less, don't ask for
money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
drive
your car, don't hangout with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they
get
pregnant, you can sell the children.

2006-10-06 14:21:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One company wants its customers to know that the baking pan they bought 'will get hot when used in oven.'

My mom recently bought a new kitchen knife. It cautions, 'never try to catch a falling knife.'

I had to go to the hospital for eye surgery. The nurse came up to me and asked, "which eye is to be operated on?" my repsonse, "the left eye is the right eye.the right eye is the wrong eye."

finally:

My dad was booking a business flight when the reservation clerk gave him a choice of seats: the bulkhead or the shakespeare seat. A seasoned traveller my dad asked, "shakespeare seat?"
he replied, "u know, 2B."

2006-10-06 14:17:09 · 8 answers · asked by puertofrican 3

I heard it on the radio this morning:

A kid was walking down the street and a guy pulled up to him in a car and asked him to get in. The kid says "NO!" ~ So the man says "Would you get in if I give you some candy?"
The kid says "NO!" The man asks "What if I give you $10?" The kid repeats himself "NO!" So the man tries yet again "What if I give you $100 dollars?" Then the kid says "Dad, I'm not getting in that car. You bought that Volkswagen, you ride in it."

2006-10-06 14:12:48 · 17 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

A little girl was leading her dog through the park
when an old man stopped her, saying, "That's sure a
pretty dress you're wearing."

The little girl smiled, "Thank you, Sir. My mama
bought it for me. This is my dog Porky."

The old man chuckled, "I'll bet a nickel I can guess
why you called him that."

She shook her head, "I'll bet you can't."

He laughed, "You called him Porky because he's so fat."

She shook her head. "No Sir, we call him that because
he f**cks pigs."

2006-10-06 14:01:11 · 17 answers · asked by ? 5

I have 5 year old here and was wondering if anyone had some good, clean, jokes I could tell him that he would understand. Can anyone help?

2006-10-06 13:57:07 · 11 answers · asked by Lil_Miss_Riss 2

I need one to share with the congregation...hopefully the one u give me will have them falling out of their seats...

2006-10-06 13:53:22 · 12 answers · asked by Wouldn't u like to know 2

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ff***cckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

2006-10-06 13:53:09 · 7 answers · asked by ? 5

This is a joke folks ......don't get bent out of shape.

I will post the answer in 5 minutes

2006-10-06 13:49:33 · 19 answers · asked by barrettins 3

Three guys go to see a witch doctor about their problems.

One has a smoking problem, one is an alcholic and one is gay but wants to change.

The docter puts a curse on them that if any of them indulge their habits again they will die.

Two days later the alcholic dies because he gave in and had to drink.

The next day the gay guy and the smoker are walking down the street together. The smoker sees a cigarette lying and the ground and stops to stare at ir.

The gay guy looked at him and said "if you bend over and pick that up we are both f**ked"

2006-10-06 13:44:28 · 5 answers · asked by ? 5

2006-10-06 13:40:03 · 9 answers · asked by Bob 3

2006-10-06 13:38:34 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

here it is
someone is going to visit a family member in jail.
The guard asks how they are related. The person says....
brothers and sisters I have none. I am not his father's father's son.

What is the relation?
and yes, they are blood relatives. Please help me with this one.

2006-10-06 13:38:10 · 17 answers · asked by rhyno 2

CAUTION: Your daughter might be on board

Hang up and drive!

Welcome to America ..... Now speak English

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people: Everybody, But Me."

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

The proctologist called...they found your head.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

2006-10-06 13:38:07 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

"Hard drive" --

Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" --

1. Place to hang your truck keys.
2. Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find 'em. (from NetDummy Humor)

"Window" --

Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Floppy" --

When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" --

1. How you got rid of your dandelions.
2. What you did to da hay fields last July. (from NetDummy Humor)

"ROM" --

Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" --

First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" --

What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" --

Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

"Mouse" --

1. Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
2. What leaves those little turds in da cupboard.

"LAN" --

To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

2006-10-06 13:26:37 · 6 answers · asked by ? 5

Artery The study of paintings.
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria.
Barium What doctors do when patients die.
Benign What you be after you be eight.
Catscan Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize Made eye contact with her.
Dilate To live long.
Enema Not a friend.
Fester Quicker than someone else.
Fibula A small lie.
Genital Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail What you hang your coat on.
Impotent Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane.
Morbid A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates.
Node I knew it.
Outpatient A person who has fainted.
Ovaries You get to try again. (from wj1001250)
Pap Smear A fatherhood test.
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis.
Rectum Pretty near killed him.
Secretion Hiding something.
Seizure Roman emperor.
Tablet A small table.
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor More than one.
Urine Opposite of you're out

2006-10-06 13:23:40 · 3 answers · asked by ? 5

ha! ha! ha!

2006-10-06 12:56:04 · 14 answers · asked by insanitydoneright 1

2006-10-06 12:35:31 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-06 12:26:41 · 15 answers · asked by Mr. CoCo 3