Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A priest, a pastor, and a local fisherman were out fishing on a lake. Suddenly, the priest says, "Oops, I'm out of bait. I'll be right back." He hops out of the boat, and, much to the fisherman's shock, walks across the surface of the water to the shore, grabs some bait, and walks back the same way. A few minutes later, the pastor says, "Oh, dear, my line broke. I'll be right back." Just like the priest, he skims over the water, gets a spare line, and skims back. By now, the fisherman is thinking, "Hey, i guess this whole Jesus thing is real." When the fisherman lost his hook in a fish, he thinks, "I'm gonna walk on water, too." He takes on step out of the boat and, much to his dismay, falls smack into the water. Then, the priest turns to the pastor and says, "You think we should have told him where the rocks were?"

2006-10-06 12:17:41 · 25 answers · asked by Ayumi 23 3

22(999+ -66)/33+(44!x11<77)/-55=key

2006-10-06 12:14:10 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"


The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

2006-10-06 12:09:10 · 30 answers · asked by hlpz76 4

i over cooked my chicken what should i do?

2006-10-06 12:08:25 · 11 answers · asked by what is the good word? 4

this is a puzzle u got 2 count the reds..can any1 help its wrecking my head,
FRED`S FAVOURITE
COLOUR IS RED,HE
LIVESI N REDDITCH,
HAS 12 RED SHOES,
4 RED LADDERS AND
ALWAYS CATCHES THE
NUMBER 62 RED BUS

15 years ago i had the answer when we were given it in a lesson @ junior skool buggered if i can recall 1hour ago. can anyone help me please

2006-10-06 12:07:09 · 42 answers · asked by BeanyBitch 1

If there were ten cats on a boat and one jumped off how many are left. Why?

2006-10-06 12:04:57 · 19 answers · asked by iluvsoftball 2

What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?

2006-10-06 12:04:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-06 11:53:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked
13. We will never regret piercing our ears
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

How do you like

2006-10-06 11:52:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fat woman walks into a bar carrying a duck and the bartender asks "What are you doing bringing that pig in here?" The lady says "Excuse me, but it's a duck, not a pig." The bartender then says to her "Excuse me, but I was talking to the duck."

2006-10-06 11:37:49 · 26 answers · asked by royal_fryer 3

Just a couple to start you off.

Mummy Mummy daddys gone out.
Shut up and pour some more kero over him.

Mummy Mummy can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and pull the chain.

2006-10-06 11:30:15 · 14 answers · asked by slipper 5

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my a$% up just one more time

2006-10-06 11:30:12 · 15 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

kinky is when you use a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole chicken

2006-10-06 11:28:59 · 19 answers · asked by barrettins 3

A boy sees his mother cheating on her husband, so he hides in the closet. his father comes home early, so she has her friend hide in the closet. So the boy says to the man "Pretty dark in here huh?" the man replies "yes it is". The boy askes " would you like to buy a baseball for $250, an let me remind you that my dad is in the driveway" The man buys the ball. Afew days later it is the same scenario, the boys says "pretty dark in here huh?" the man says "yes it is", the boy says "would you like to buy this glove for $750?" the man buys the glove. A few days later the father askes his som to play some catch in the yard, the boy says that he cant because he sold his stuff for 1000 dollars. The father is mad that his son would hustle his friends, so he takes him to the church and puts him in the confession booth. The boy says "pretty dark in here huh?" and then he hears "Don't start that sh*t again"

2006-10-06 11:26:51 · 11 answers · asked by glacier 4

1. they’d much rather stay in and play Nintendo than go out on patrol

2. they blush and stutter when confronted by a female supervillain

3. they pick their noses when you’re with the FBI

4. they go into a sulk if you wont play dungeons and dragons with them

5. when they’ve caught a villain, they sound sill wen they say, 'stick them up, dude!'

6. when they pull out their gun, it sometimes has old bubblegum stuck to it

7. they think its funny to suddenly fart in public

8. they can easily be taunted by supervillains

9. they get carsick in the crimemobile

10. it doesn’t sound too convincing yelling, 'stop or die!' when their voice breaks in mid sentence

2006-10-06 11:24:55 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call a troll doll who eats hostess cupcakes in a tv commercial?

2006-10-06 11:23:24 · 4 answers · asked by April Ann Codon Cruz 2

2006-10-06 11:18:13 · 7 answers · asked by ? 4

Internet Sweeties

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence.

After months of virtual kinky-ness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe. Bunny arrived a little late.

One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe. "Are you Bob?" asked Bunny. "Yes I am," said Bob.

"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me that you were tall, dark and handsome."

"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red. "You told me that you were skinny, blonde, and female."

2006-10-06 11:12:45 · 9 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

MEN JOKES!

What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
Forty-five Minutes

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Thank her.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

Why do men get married??
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore

What do men and used cars have in common?
They are both easy to get, cheap, and totally unrealiable.

Why are men like the weather.
Nothing can be done to change either of them.

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A fairy tale.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to use it.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a pretty girl.

How do you get a man to stop nibling his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
Gifted!

How does a man plan for the future?
He subscribes to two years of playboy instead of one.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about how good he screws.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Only one. If you slice him very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
Geez...I can do better than that!

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place with eating utensils and chairs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run when women cry!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife picked his clothes!

What has ten arms and an IQ of 50?
Five guys watching a football game.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the best way to torture a man to death?
Put a sexy blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him he can only pick one.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?
Practice makes perfect!

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

What do you say when you find a sensitive caring man?
Hello, how's your boyfriend?

2006-10-06 11:08:42 · 8 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

A woman is in bed with her husbands best friend when the phone rang. Shae went to the hall to answer it. After a minute she jumped back into bed. "that was my husband", she said, "dont worry, he wont be home for a while, He is playing cards with you."

2006-10-06 11:07:26 · 20 answers · asked by glacier 4

Why dont witches have babies ? Cause their husbands have halloweeners and crystal balls!!!

2006-10-06 10:48:26 · 10 answers · asked by SWM 38 _4_ YOUNG GF 5

2006-10-06 10:41:14 · 19 answers · asked by mr g 2

2006-10-06 10:37:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

if a cow sneezed would milk come out its nose?

2006-10-06 10:24:20 · 15 answers · asked by Vampguy 1

stacked one over the next

mayo
aaa
bread

2006-10-06 10:09:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A friend of mine got a really expensive watch. It never needed winding. The hands glowed really bright in the dark. It was so durable you could dive down to 150 feet with it. The astronauts wore them in space. It was shock proof, water proof, and dust proof........he lost it.

2006-10-06 10:02:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

3.14, why can you only get steak and kidney down the fish shop

2006-10-06 09:59:52 · 13 answers · asked by polly a 2

I'll give you 10 points if you can prove me a you're an outrageous lier.

2006-10-06 09:58:42 · 22 answers · asked by alex777 1

Roses are red, violets are blue, Michael Jackson is missing, and a child is too.

2006-10-06 09:53:28 · 21 answers · asked by Drew 4

There were three guys: one american, one british and one russian and were all looking for work. they noticed in the newspaper this add: we are hiring security guys, we pay $500 a day. Men interested can come for an interviw at the address..... (need to bring along their wives).
First the american went in. He was given a gun and was told : take this gun and kill your wife. this is your first test. At this, the american guy said: What???????? Are you ******* crazy? No way I'll do that. Good Bye. and he stormed out of the room.Than the british went in and he was told the same thing and he cried:
What the bloody hell is that? Are you serious? No way.... I don't need your money... and he left, furious.
Than the russian came in and when he was told the same thing he took the gun and went on the hall.
Gun shots were fired... screams and bangs were heared. in a while, the russian came back and said: wat is this? Idiots!!!!you put blind bullets in the gun??And I had to strungle her instead

2006-10-06 09:50:46 · 25 answers · asked by angel.2u@home 2