Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Ladies and gentlemen,umbrellas and walkingsticks,
I come before you,To stand behind you.
To tell you something I know nothing about.
If next Tuesday is a dry Wednesday,
There will be an open air meeting in the town hall,
Cushion seats, sit on the floor,
Admission free, pay at the door.

2006-10-06 09:50:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man went to the doctors as he couldn't get an errection. The Doctor said "well there is an operation you can have that involves taking the muscle tissue from an elephants trunk and placing it around the base of the p.en.i.s".
The man said " so long as no elephants are hurt during this op then ok i will do it."
3 weeks later the man is in a restaraunt with his girl when he feels a stirring in his loins. He unzips his pants to relieve the pressure when his p e.n.i.s snakes out of his trousers and onto the table , takes some food off the plate and returns back to his trousers.
His girl said "wow can you do that again "
The bloke said " no i dont think i can fit another bread toll up my a.r.s.e.

2006-10-06 09:49:40 · 17 answers · asked by chris w. 7

The father comes home from work and sees a brand new Corvette in the driveway. His son is sitting in it. He asks the son, "where did you get it?"
His son says, "the woman down the street sold it to me for 50 bucks."
Thinking his son stole it, they both march down the street, and the father asks the woman, "Did you just sell my son the Vet for 50 bucks?"
She said, "sure did".
Why would you sell an expensive car for 50 bucks?
The woman said, " My husband just ran off with his secretary. He phoned home and said, I can have everything else, but just sell the Vet, and send him the money. So I did."

2006-10-06 09:47:23 · 12 answers · asked by Brian S 2

2006-10-06 09:47:13 · 11 answers · asked by queenmackerel 5

At 8- you take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18- you tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28- you don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38- she tells you a story and take you to bed.

At 48- you tell her a story to avoid getting in bed with her.

At 58- you stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68- if you take her to bed, that will be a story!!!!

2006-10-06 09:44:17 · 15 answers · asked by sylesh3 3

I'm a schizophrenic.......and so am i!

2006-10-06 09:31:55 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Jack, it's your brother, Bob, here," came the voice down the telephone line. "Im not going to be able to get back for dad's funeral because Im stuck in the Australian outback. Do something nice for him and send me the bill."
So Jack did as his brother wished and sent Bob a bill for £100 which Bob paid immediately.
However the following month, Bob received another bill for £100 and this happened each and every month. Eventually he managed to catch up with Jack and asked him what was going on.
"Well, you said do something nice for dad," protested Jack, "so I hired him a nice black three-piece suit."

2006-10-06 09:29:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-06 09:25:31 · 19 answers · asked by damian d 1

A widow of only a few months goes out on her first date since the death of her husband. They have a great evening but when he makes a move, she holds him back saying, "I can't. I'm wearing black knickers because I'm still in mourning for my husband."
They continue to date, although it never goes past a goodnight kiss at the end of the evening.
Then a few weeks later in the middle of a passionate embrace, he gets out a packet of black condoms.
"What are those for?" she asks.
"I'd like to give you my condolences!" he replies. :)

2006-10-06 09:17:02 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-06 09:17:00 · 23 answers · asked by damian d 1

2006-10-06 09:08:48 · 14 answers · asked by Bill L 5

A man is nothing more than a ___________ without any ________________. And a woman is nothing more than a ________________ without a _____________. Having said this, why don't couples ______________more around the house? After all, their _______________ are ____________ and their ______________get so ______________ it only makes sense, right? If you like this idea please call ___________________ and support it.

2006-10-06 09:06:13 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE TOP 10 TIMES WHEN THE WORD "*****" WAS APPROPRIATE:

"What the ***** was that?"
-Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the ***** did all these Indians come from?"
-General Custer

"But, it's so ******** simple!!"
-Albert Einstein

"It does SO ******** look like her!"
-Pablo Picasso

"How the ***** did you work that out?"
-Pythagorus

"You want me to paint the whole ******** ceiling?"
-Michaelangelo

"I suppose a little ******** rain would be too much to ask?"
-Joan of Arc

"Who the ***** is going to know? "
-Bill Clinton

"Scattered ******** showers my ***."
-Noah

And the number one example...
"I need this parade like I need a ******** hole in my head."
-John F. Kennedy

2006-10-06 09:04:12 · 15 answers · asked by Krazykraut 3

What do you call a perfect peppermint?

2006-10-06 09:03:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What made the night crawler sick?

?

2006-10-06 09:01:29 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the baying of a beagle?

2006-10-06 09:00:20 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is a hairpiece for a hog?

2006-10-06 08:59:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man has been crossing the desert by camel for over three months. Lacking any female company, he suddenly had a most awful urge - one that had to be satisfied straight away. He backed the camel over to a pile of rocks, stood on top of the rocks and undid his flies. Alas, as he moved towards the animal, it walked further away.a Undaunted, he backed up to the camel again and got on top of the rocks but once more the animal walked a few feet away.
This farce went on for another fifteen minutes or so, when out of the blue appeared a gorgeous young blonde.
"I can't believe it," he said, as he looked her up and down.
"I say," he continued, smiling with satisfaction, "would you mind holding the camel for me?"

2006-10-06 08:53:28 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

the person who can give me the best little Johnny joke i'm going to pick for best answer

2006-10-06 08:52:56 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've always wanted to know...

2006-10-06 08:50:18 · 47 answers · asked by Sheldon 6

"Mummy, mummy," said the baby camel. "Why have we got big flat feet?"
"So that we can walk across the sand easier when we're trekking through the desert," she replied.
"And why have we got such thick hides?" he continued.
"That's to protect us from the desert's fierce sun," she replied.
"But why have we got long eyelashes?"
"That's to protect our eyes against sand storms."
"So mum, what the f**k are we doing in Belfast Zoo?" he said.

2006-10-06 08:47:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the woods on the way to meet her Grandma when she spots someone moving.
"Mr Wolf, Mr. Wolf," she shouts, "I can see you! Come out from behind that tree."
"Bugger off," he replies angrily and disappears deeper into the woods.
Moments later, Little Red Riding Hood spots him again.
"Mr Wolf, Mr Wolf!" she calls again. "I can see you behind the bush."
The wolf glares at her and runs off. A short while later she sees him hiding behind a big rock.
"I can see you, I can see you," she says, pointing her finger at him.
"Now look here," says the wolf, "who the hell are you and what are you doing in the woods?"
"I'm Little Red Riding Hood and I'm on my way to see Grandma," she replies.
"Then f**k off and do it," yelled the wolf, "and let me have a crap in peace!"

2006-10-06 08:42:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-06 08:39:52 · 10 answers · asked by laura 1

fella walks into pub with octopus on lead says to customer in bar my octopus can play any musical instrument. customer gives octopus guitar plays it better than jimmy hendrix. puts him at piano plays it better than elton john. scotsman gives him bagpipes after a few minutes fumbling with the bagpipes scotsman says I KNEW HE WOULD NOT PLAY MY PIPES OCTOPUS REPLIES IM GOING TO SH*G IT AS SOON AS I GET THESE PYJAMAS OFF ITS LEGS

2006-10-06 08:36:16 · 5 answers · asked by GLYN D 3

the actual price of the room should have been £25 , the landlady, gives back £5 to the 3 men , they keep £1 each and tip the landlady £2....... each man has now paid £9 each x 3 = £27 and the £2 tip =
£29 ...question wheres the other £1 ?

2006-10-06 08:29:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman dies and goes to heaven...God says to her "you should not be here yet, go back to your life for another 50years".
Back to life she thinks - "this is great, I have 50 more years of life".
She decides to have a makeover, she diets and loses a lot of weight, then she has plastic surgery.
One day she decides to have her hair dyed and goes to the hair salon. Coming outside she crosses the road and is killed by a big truck. She arrives at the pearly gates once more and says to God "you promised me another 50yrs. God looks at her and says "sorry, I didn't recognise you!". :)

2006-10-06 08:29:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

get all these answers first u get the points

1) Two convicts are locked in a cell there is an unbarred window high up in the cell no matter if they stand on top of each other or the bed they cant reach the window they then decide to tunnel out however they giveup because it will take too long finnaly one of the convicts figure out how to escape from the cell
What is his plan?

2)Sergi and sally where sitting in their family room one night while Sergi was watching T.V. his wife sally was reading All of a sudden the power went out and Sergi decided to go to bed but sally kept on reading with no use of artificial light Sally kept on reading

2006-10-06 08:27:42 · 13 answers · asked by jokes_alot3 2

Can u name 10 parts of the human body, that only have 3 letters in, e.g. body part #1-RIB, ok u all understand? good luck then will check in an hour to see who's in the lead

2006-10-06 08:26:55 · 52 answers · asked by ritchie.rich_1 2

A - Almost

B - Better

C - Cute

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake


PS. . . they should add a new size for the over 50 group.

G - Gone South !

2006-10-06 08:07:44 · 15 answers · asked by starburst 1

You know, they are firing bullets at you and you screaming "You're f***ing with the wrong guy! I'll take it all", You wanna **** with me? C'mon!! I'll take it all!!"

"Say hello to my little friend" (You roll out another abusive post)

2006-10-06 08:06:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous