Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

tell me the funniest joke you know and the funniest gets best answer

2006-10-06 18:20:20 · 10 answers · asked by hmw95 3

2006-10-06 18:05:16 · 8 answers · asked by Gina 2

An old man got on the train to go into town. There was no where to sit so he sat next to a young punk kid with a green, red, and yellow mohawk. The train ride was about 20 minutes long and the whole time the old man was staring at this kid. Finally, before getting off the train, the kid asks "what the hell are you staring at? Havent you ever done anything crazy before when you were young?" The old man answers "yea, I once screwed a parrot and thought you might be my son."

2006-10-06 17:57:07 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

yep, you guessed it........YAHOO ANSWERS...LOL


GOODNIGHT PEOPLE !!!

2006-10-06 17:55:17 · 5 answers · asked by Gina 2

Adam had been going out with sally for several months, but still had not managed to sleep with her. one night he tried to cajole her into it. 'but I’m afraid to,' she said. 'wont you lose respect for me in the morning?'
'of course not,' he reassured her. 'provided you’re good at it.'

2006-10-06 17:53:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

my friends recently played a trick on me. they bought condoms and put them all over my car and wrote all over my windows with that special paint. they also stole EVERYTHING out of my car and i mean everything. i need a really good trick to do on their car without doing damage. any ideas?

2006-10-06 17:49:45 · 10 answers · asked by vballchika262 1

Can anyone came up with a riddle for my fifteenth birthday so I can ask people if they know? x] thanks

2006-10-06 17:46:07 · 3 answers · asked by WainWain 2

a battery has a positive side

2006-10-06 17:41:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-06 17:37:43 · 6 answers · asked by Joey 1

2006-10-06 17:37:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes up to the minister at the local church. "Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. "My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"

"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister.
"Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When motioned, you give her a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off.

Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.

"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed.
"
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.

"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off.

However, this time the Minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his Wife with the hat pin yet again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

As Mrs. Jones screamed, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your a-s-s!"

2006-10-06 17:37:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

one day upon arriving home from work, Anton’s wife informed him she was interested in having breast enlargement surgery. when he asked why, she said, 'because it will make me more attractive to you.'
he asked her how much the operation was, and she replied, '$4,000 per breast.' he exclaimed, '$4,000 per breast?! that’s ridiculous
we can afford! have you tried the toilet paper method?' she looked puzzled. 'sure-each night before you go to bed, rub toilet paper between your breasts, and over a period of time, they should grow.' she said, 'that wont work!'
Anton replied, 'it worked on your butt!'

2006-10-06 17:30:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-06 17:23:33 · 9 answers · asked by nicky 2

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathers his remaining strength and lifts himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly makes his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forces himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leans against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.


Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he throws himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips part; the wondrous taste of the cookie was nearly in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, makes its way to a cookie at the edge of the table -- where it is suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

2006-10-06 17:22:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-06 17:20:26 · 11 answers · asked by Winner! 2

1. how to find the vacuum

2. yes, we call that an iron

3. if you want her to wear sexy underwear, you’ve got to pay for it

4. understanding the female response to your coming home late

5. you-the weaker sex

6. drooling at other women- yes there is a cure

7. PMT-feel it, cry about, offer sympathy

8. how to stay awake after sex

9. the trash can-taking it out

10. how to wrap your own sandwiches

11. watching the game all weekend is not fun

12. bragging about no. twos-how not to

13. remote control 101-overcoming you dependency

14. remote control 102- it lives not on the TV

15. romanticism-ideas other then sex

16. she does not want to hear your farts

17. mother in laws-they are people too

18. the art of changing diapers

19. separation anxiety-you don’t need that beer

20. you too can host a dinner party

21. how to lose that beer gut

2006-10-06 17:12:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously
knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was
as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you
play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful
tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you
make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling
over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through
-- and over the balcony railing to the ground 40 floors down.
Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little
depressed to me.

2006-10-06 17:00:20 · 9 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

.....do women always open their mouths when applying mascara?

.....do people who order a double cheeseburger and large fries also ask for diet cola?

.....when i want to close down my computer,do I have to click start?

2006-10-06 16:58:15 · 5 answers · asked by rosbif 6

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".

He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh s-h-i-t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

2006-10-06 16:55:03 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON -- male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought it would be male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

2006-10-06 16:49:16 · 23 answers · asked by Electric 7

how would you think if you ask someone what is the time, and they say, "oh, i am sorry, i don't have a cell phone"? :)

2006-10-06 16:42:54 · 18 answers · asked by VWV 2

Blonde's Backseat

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''

The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''


__________________

2006-10-06 16:41:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2006 Southern EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south. If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands.

The Southern EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2006, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie, superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is now labeled " Outhouse"

My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Control Panel is known as " The Dashboard"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"

Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"

Error message Popups now read "Duct Tape"


CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN THE Southern EDITION :

Cancel ............... Stopdat
Reset ..................Try'er agin
Yes ......................Yep
No .......................Nope
Find ....................Hunt Fer't
Go to ..................Over Yonder
Back ...................Back Yonder
Help ....................Gimme a Han' Here
Stop ....................Now kwit thet (WHOA!)
Start ....................Crank'er Up
Settings ..............Settins
Programs ...........Stuff Wut Duz Stuff
Documents ........Stuff Ah Dun Did

Also note that the Southern EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2006

Tipe-riter ...................... a word processing program
Cullerin' Book ...............a graphics program
Cowntin' Mersheen ......calculator
Outhouse Paper ...........notepad
Inner-net ........................Microsoft explorer 6.5
Pitchers ........................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused.

If you received a copy of the Southern EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

2006-10-06 16:31:57 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-06 16:29:18 · 16 answers · asked by sandman 1

2006-10-06 16:23:07 · 8 answers · asked by the dynamic 5

Would you rather a crocodile attack you or an alligator?

2006-10-06 16:21:53 · 7 answers · asked by Mr T 4

While exploring the wilds of Canada, Wild Man Dave was captured by hostile wood fairies. Brad, the powerful chief of the fairies told him he could make one final statement which would determine how he would die. If the statement he made was false, he would be boiled in water. If the statement were true, he would be fried in oil. Wild Man Dave found neither of this options too his liking, so he made a statement that got him out of this seemingly impossible situation. What is the one statement he could have made

2006-10-06 16:20:35 · 6 answers · asked by Mr T 4

A man wanted to get into a members only club but because he couldn't become a member, the man hid and watched as the guard at the door of the club house said a number to each member as they approached, the member would respond with a number of their own, if the member responded with the correct number they were let in, if they responed incorrectly they were thrown out. One member come up to the guard, the guard said twelve and the member responded with six and was let in. Another member came to the door, the guard said six and the member responded with three and was let in. Believing he had heard enough, the reject went up to the guard, the guard said ten, and the reject said five, but was not let in, what should the reject have said?

2006-10-06 16:18:26 · 8 answers · asked by Mr T 4

o o o

o o o <=======Dots

o o o

Without lifting your pen, draw four lines that cross all 9 dots

Hint: :Think outside the box.

sequece?

2006-10-06 16:09:53 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-06 15:58:32 · 6 answers · asked by sueflower 6