Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A women came home one day with a mirror and told her husband it was magic. Her husband told her to prove it.
She said watch, ''Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my boobs biggest of all.''

Sure enough, they grew huge.

The husband was amazed and said, "Ooh, oooh, let me try! Mirror, mirror show me more, make my dick touch the floor.''

His legs fell off.

2006-10-07 05:01:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.
Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

2006-10-07 04:58:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

the question is: - there are 2 trees each with some crows on them.one crow says to other trees crows that if they send 1 crow from there tree to their tree,then the crows are doubled in 1 tree,but the crows on the other trree says that its not justice,u only send 1 crow then both tree s will have equal no.of crows.find the NO. of crows oneach tree.

2006-10-07 04:51:29 · 10 answers · asked by srinu710 4

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.
Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,

"HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"

2006-10-07 04:45:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yesterday I went to the shop. There was a small child with his father. When he saw me, his first instinct was to cover his eyes, peering out at me between his fingers, before deciding NOT to look at me.

On other occasions, small children burst into tears upon seeing me, or stare at me intently.

I do not have a facial disfigurement or other problems. Of average appearance, average weight and height.

So can anyone guess why this happens?

if someone doesn't come up with the right answer, I will tell you why. Quite funny, come to think of it.

2006-10-07 04:43:35 · 11 answers · asked by Balaboo 5

Click on this page

http://www.eyetricks.com/scary_optical_illusion2.htm

Look at the pic, you'll see a room, there's something not quite right with it.

1st to come back with the answer gets 10 points.

Hint: concentrate on the centre of the room, it might take you a minute to get it

I love this puzzle and you'll know why once you'ved sussed the answer

2006-10-07 04:41:49 · 21 answers · asked by projetkarma 2

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

2006-10-07 04:32:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

my friends are always forwarding things that are funny and sometimes naughty to me, where can i get some to send to them? thanx..

2006-10-07 04:16:05 · 2 answers · asked by debbie 3

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello"?, she called, but no answer. "Is anyone here"?, she cried, louder, but still no a,nswer.
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE"?, she yelled, terrified.

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away, "We're down here!"

2006-10-07 03:54:41 · 23 answers · asked by jfmm 7

2006-10-07 03:53:37 · 19 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

What do you think happened to the two thieves, that stole a calendar? **** They got six months each. (do i win £5)?

2006-10-07 03:51:55 · 11 answers · asked by brillo 3

2006-10-07 03:51:18 · 14 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

Hmm?

2006-10-07 03:46:27 · 8 answers · asked by jfmm 7

OK, I got you didn't I.

Go on admit it you stuck your finger into your nose to find out
:-)

2006-10-07 03:37:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

What country can you take away one s from the spelling and you get the spelling of another country?

Both these countries still exist today, and everbody has heard of them.

First person who answer's gets the 10 points.

2006-10-07 03:35:25 · 18 answers · asked by D'brickashaw F. 2

2006-10-07 03:33:53 · 15 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

A duck goes into the bar and see's the barman, the duck says
Got any bread?
barman: No we have no bread

Duck: Got any bread?
barman: I already told you we have no bread

Duck: Got any bread?
barman: for the last time we have no bread at all of any kind

Duck: Got any bread?
barman: listen you scrawny animal I am sick of telling you that we dont have any bread, none, not a single slice and if you ask me again I will nail your beak to the bar and use your ar+e to open bottles with.

Duck: Got any nails
barman:No!
Duck: got any bread?

2006-10-07 03:31:36 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three men standing on the 23 floor of the empire state building. The first guy says "if u jump from this height you'll go down for a few feet then come back up". The second guy says "That's imposible ur crazy". The third guy remains silent. The first guy says "fine ill show u". So he jumps out the window go down for a little while then comes back up. Then the second guy does it and falls straight to the ground. The third guy says "Superman u idiot!!!"

2006-10-07 03:31:36 · 15 answers · asked by dinodom25 2

a man walked into a bar and ate a handful of peanuts.he heard a voicesay "you look very nice today"
he then went over to the cigarette machine,put in his moneyand a voice said,you look awful today,what a mess.
the man went over to the barman and told him what had happened the barman smiled and said"so sorry sir ,the peanuts are complimentary,but the cigarette machine is out of order".

2006-10-07 03:24:09 · 20 answers · asked by wozza.lad 5

A group of kindergarten children were trying to become accustomed to junior school.
the biggest hurdle they faced was that the new teacher insisted on no baby talk,you need to use grown up words,she,d always remind them.
she asked wendy what she had done over the weekend.
i went to visit my nana,
no,you went to visit your grandmother,use grown up words.
she then asked joey what he had done .
i took a ride on a choo choo ,
no you took a ride on a train,use grown up words.
she then asked eddy what he had done,i read a book he replied ,
thats wonderful,said the teacher.what book did you read?
eddy thought for a moment,then puffed his chest out with great pride and said,
winnie the s hit ¡

2006-10-07 03:15:06 · 19 answers · asked by wozza.lad 5

1. How far can a dog run into the woods?
2. There's a turtle trying to cross a four lane highway,
Take "F" out of "forward" take the "F" out of "way" what do you get?
3. Two sets of father and son go fishing one day. at the end of the day everyone has only one fish, but their are only 3 fish. How is that?
4. What do you call a dead blond in the closet?
5. What do most rich men have that some poor men don't want,
It's greater than God, and if you eat it you'll starve to death?
6. Name a King and Queen that wears the same cloths everyday.
7.What do you get if you mix an elephant and a rhino?
8. What can you tell a woman with coon eyes? (two black eyes)
9. What holiday is Febuary 30th?
10. Unscramble these words and leave one letter unused... ____________ is a complete and utter waste of time and energy!!!!
Letters to use... (sasoahwnoeyrf)

2006-10-07 02:42:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady tries to drop her husband into the ocean, but he blows back into the boat

why?

2006-10-07 02:29:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-07 01:59:40 · 34 answers · asked by ogden25uk 3

2006-10-07 01:40:44 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

who am I?
It's not important
But they call me Brother to the Night
And right now
I'm the blues in your left thigh
Tryin to become the funk in your right..............

2006-10-07 01:32:35 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly.

The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce some excitement, unexpected lust, passion and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

"Well," he says to the doctor, "I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home leaving rubber all over the road. I skidded all the way up the driveway (after I'd cleaned up the mail box). I slammed the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it, hammer and tongs, on the coffee table!"

"And did you enjoy it!?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.

"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "No, but the Bible group thought it was pretty neat!"

2006-10-07 01:27:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl and she strike up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? Well, that was me!!!"

2006-10-07 01:25:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are four people in an adventure race that need to get across a lake. They have a small canoe. The rules say that only the slowest person in the canoe can paddle, only one or two can be in the canoe at a time, and they must all cross in the canoe. From practice, they know that:

Ann can paddle across in 1 minute.

Bill can paddle across in 2 minutes.

Sue can paddle across in 5 minutes.

Mike can paddle across in 10 minutes.

How do they get everyone across the river in the fastest time without breaking the rules?

2006-10-07 01:23:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This fellow goes into a casino in Las Vegas, were he is shocked to see a dog playing cards at a high rollers table.

The fellow say's to one of the staff "Wow! that dog must be smart, playing cards over there for big money"

To which the reply was " No sir, he's not that smart, because every time he gets a good hand he wag's his tail"

2006-10-07 01:22:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-07 00:58:09 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous