I need a new joke!! Help mme..PLZ?

Question

tell me the funniest joke you know and the funniest gets best answer

*me
srry about that peoples

Answer 1

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Dick Lugar to the White House and says, "Senator Lugar, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Lugar hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Lugar leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Lugar calls Rice at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Lugar rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Condoleezza Rice!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"

Answer 2

A women walks into a therapist office she asks for advice she says
I have this problem it seems to me that i might have a lady stocker stocking me she is the ugliest female ever to walk in the face of this planet and she really freaks me out
so the therapist ask the women were do you see this lady stocker
The women answers everyday when i am looking in the mirror getting ready to go to work.


Let me c the blind man says

Answer 3

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"

Answer 4

Sadie and Ethel are sitting on the balcony of Sadie's condo in Palm Beach one afternoon. Sadie sez to Ethel, "SO what's up? You hardly ever go out on the boat with Mortie and me anymore. Can you tell me why?"

Ethel confides, "To tell you the truth, every time I go out with you my cigarettes get wet."

Sadie remarks, "Is that all? That used to happen to me all the time. Here's what ya gotta do, doll. Go see Sol, the druggist, over at the CVS and ask him for a condom. Then ya just put your cigs in one for the boat ride."

Ethel is a little taken aback by this but screws up the balls to go see Sol at the CVS. So she sez, " Sol. I need to buy a condom."

Sol replies, "Listen Ethel, we got all kinds of condoms. We got ribbed ones. We got colored ones. We got lubricated ones. So just what kind do YOU need?"

Nonchalantly, Ethel retorts, "It doesn't matter so long as it fits a Camel."

ta dum dum. (rim shot, please.)

Answer 5

So, Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il and George W are out yachting when their vessel up and sinks. They all drown. Poof...they land at Heaven's Pearly Gates, and in front of them is St. Peter. He tells them that since heaven is soooooo big, everyone is assigned a mode of transportation in order to get around. But, the type of transportation is a reflection of your time on Earth.

St. Peter eyeballs George W and says, "during your time on earth, you were okay...not super, not great, just okay, so for that you can drive a Yugo around Heaven...there ya go."

Poof, a fugly Yugo appears, much to George's chagrin. He mutters something under his breath as he putters away.

St. Peter then turns to Kim Jong Il and says, "now you...you were a horrible person...just terrible...so for that, here's a Pinto."

Kim Jong Il's ticked off, but nothing can be done about it, so he hops into his Pinto and drives away.

St. Peter then turns to Saddam, "...now Saddam...you were just plain evil and a giant asshole at that, so we have no choice...you're going to have to ride a bicycle around Heaven." Saddam's practically in tears as he tries to balance himself. He teeters and totters as he peddles away.

Then one day, George W and Kim Jong Il are out for a drive when they spot Saddam crashed out on the side of the road. His bicycle lies next to him in ruins, but Saddam's hysterically laughing his a$$ off.

George W asks incredulously, "Saddam? How could you be laughing like that when you have to ride a bicycle around Heaven?"

Breathlessly, Saddam replies, "...because I just saw Mother Theresa on a skateboard."

Answer 6

whos barnie
is michael jackson in a suit

Answer 7

BOY: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
GIRL: That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Answer 8

you need to read my micheal jackson jokes, i dont wanna repost them cuz some people got pissy

Answer 9

What did one horny frog say to the other horny frog?

Rub it, Rub it!!

Answer 10

Ask someone "how do you make an ugly baby?"
You say, "I don't know, ask your parents? LOL!