any one know jokes that could be told during wedding speech?

Answer 1

Definition of Women:
1.Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
2.Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches, handle with care.
3.May explode spontaneously if left alone.
4.Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
CAUTION:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2. Illegal to posses more than one. (Dangerous also.)

HERE ARE TWO JOKES:

1.There were three men talking in the pub.
Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two blokes where amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
"She said 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."

2.A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother.
"how was the honeymoon?" said her mother, "
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language...stuff I'd never heard before...really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come and get me and take me home...PLEASE MOTHER!"
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
"But, Darling," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME AND GET ME, PLEASE!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset...tell mother the 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother...words like DUST...WASH....IRON...COOK..."

Answer 2

this is just my opinion but traditional jokes are not really good for a wedding toast or speech. I feel it is much better to be sincere and wish the couple well. You can throw in the occasional funny story or incident but i wouldnt tell a joke.

Answer 3

Well, first thing I thought of was telling Rodney Dangerfield wife jokes.....which are his specialty...for instance:
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me; or
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!; or
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Now, just do the Rodney schtick.....I hope these are not too offensive......I am a woman and always thought these were funny. Good luck!

Answer 4

Wedding Speeches Spellbind Your Audience - http://Speech.findpolo.com

Answer 5

if you don't really like the bride, you can start with something like:
On the wedding night, what do you say to your wife if she's got 2 black eyes... nothing, because you already told her twice!

if you really like her..

Last weekend (grooms name), went for a binge session with the guys,
he got so pissed, (grooms name) didn't see his fiancee for 3 days! But by Thursday the swelling went down and he could see her slightly through the left eye..

Sorry, may be a bit twisted but I'm not the comedian type

Answer 6

CHANGE NAMES TO SUIT


Tony Thompson walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Smith. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Tony.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighbourhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Tony.

"Because I married his widow."

Answer 7

Warn the groom about the recent survey showed that women will find a different type of man attractive depending on where they are in there monthly cycle.
When a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with ,masculine features .
and just before she is menstruating she will prefer a man doused in petrol and set fire with a cricket stump shoved up his bum.

Answer 8

You could sing that John Shuttleworth song, 'Up and Down Like A Bride's Nightie' then talk about the bride's days as a hooker.

Answer 9

Get the best mans speech moving towards talking about honeymoon destinations etc: "I assume you are all aware that Peter and Jane are actually going on honeymoon to North Wales - at least I assume that's where they are going - I heard Peter said that he was going to Bangor for a fortnight" (i.e. bang her!)

Answer 10

i could lose the embarrassing memories... i do no longer think of it truly is optimal for the duration of a marriage speech, a small comedian tale is fantastic and then in line with risk persist with the superb issues you have suggested... See under hi! For those of you that don’t comprehend me i'm Macy, Jane's’s plenty youthful sister. i desire to commence by potential of congratulating the bride and groom. It meant plenty to me to observe my sister marry the guy of her desires right this moment. while Jane first asked me to be her maid of honor I felt chuffed yet because of the fact the great day approached i develop into recommended that i could be doing a speech. i develop into frightened and that i attempted to think of of hassle-free advice on the thank you to get out of it, yet have any of you tried asserting no to Jane??? It doesn’t artwork. first of all, I in basic terms desire to assert... John, welcome to the family… you're one courageous guy! Jane, as little ones, you and and that i had our moments… I certainly have some scars to teach it! in easy terms kidding, i could no longer have asked for a miles better sister. On a serious be conscious, i could desire to assert that i'm venerated to be your maid of honor and that i'm surprised on the kind you 2 compliment one yet another. you're suited jointly, i admire you the two and that i want you each and all the happiness contained in the international. we are extra effective than happy to welcome John into our family!