letters to the pets?

Question

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
Other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print
in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but
sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or
feline
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I
cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids .. they eat less, don't ask for
money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
drive
your car, don't hangout with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they
get
pregnant, you can sell the children.

Answer 1

You're the best. (from a cat-rescuer. we have 4 that live here)

Answer 2

LOL. I love this! LOL.

Sadly, I lost my Bulldog, Uncle Mister two weeks ago, and I really do miss the things he would do.
I've been offered another dog, but it's too early.

Thanks for posting this, and have a great evening!

Answer 3

omg i was laughing my @$$ off, i got the entire family to come down here and read that. A++ in my book lol

Answer 4

I totally enjoyed reading that. I have a dog who does all of that.

Answer 5

***So many words make my brain hurt!!***

Does anyone else smell burning toast??????

Answer 6

that was so cute - but funny too !

Answer 7

good stuff-thanks!