RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes
or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends
are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue,
so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun
and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do
not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
only
word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry, I
will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places
where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places
where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks
homes
are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing,
merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and
with
whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and
nothing
but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the
house.
Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car
with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
clear
voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then
return
to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged
face
at the window is mine.
2006-10-06 14:23:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
i love it. i just printed out a copy for my daughters boyfriend. thanks.
2006-10-06 14:45:20 · answer #1 · answered by maxossa1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No luv, my daddy wasn't that bad...he just answered the door with the shotgun tucked into his arm. It was usually enough! It didn't, unfortunately, scare off my ex-husband, however!
2006-10-06 14:32:46 · answer #2 · answered by Baby'sMom 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sha! Girl, my Daddy was a Crazy 'Cajun!!
LOL. LOL. LOL.
Thanks for the laughs, and have a great Saturday evening!
2006-10-07 13:35:35 · answer #3 · answered by jfmm 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Rule Eleven: Just between you and me, I have no problem with going back to prison.
I like that because it's general. Yours are great!
2006-10-06 14:58:43 · answer #4 · answered by Brian.E 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My dad won't let me date till I'm 18. Even then he just wants me to stay home.
Its funny though, in an over-protective jackass way.
2006-10-06 15:06:32 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Those are really good. I jsut thought my dad was bad!
2006-10-06 14:40:36 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO, MY DAD WASN'T THAT BAD! BUT I KNOW MY HUSBAND WILL BE THAT WAY BECAUSE HIM AND HIS FRIEND HAVE ALREADY MADE UP SOME RULES FOR THEIR KIDS AND I KNOW THEY WILL STICK WITH THEM!
2006-10-06 14:27:22 · answer #7 · answered by lisababyg ♥ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow...crazy ppl lol
2006-10-06 14:29:57 · answer #8 · answered by Vanna 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think so. Thank you! :)
2006-10-06 14:30:00 · answer #9 · answered by tysavage2001 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
LOL those are hilarious, thanks!!
2006-10-06 14:29:14 · answer #10 · answered by Katie Girl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋