Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

3 boys at school talking about xmas,1st one says "i'm getting a battery controlled car for my xmas",the other 2 ask "how do you know that?" he says " i was walking past mum & dads bedroom last night and looked in and saw the box,"Wow" say the other 2."Well" said the 2nd "i'm getting a pc for my xmas",the other 2 ask"how do you know that?"he said "i was walking past my mum & dads bedroom last night and looked in and saw the box ","Wow" say the other 2."Well" said the 3rd "i'm getting a parrot for my xmas",the other 2 ask "how do you know that??""well" he said " i was walking past my mum & dads bedroom last night and all i heard was my dad sayin quick get the towel it's going to fly everywhere"......... ha ha

2006-09-24 05:11:13 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Please)
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!!

2006-09-24 05:07:35 · 7 answers · asked by sylesh3 3

2006-09-24 05:06:23 · 7 answers · asked by Blondie 3

I seem to run up on the 50-50-90 rule more than anything else! But, it keeps me out of the casinos!

THE OTHER MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS
************************************
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
*
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
*
A day without sunshine is like... ah well, night.
*
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
*
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
*
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
*
Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
*
The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90%
probability that you'll get it wrong.
*
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
*
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
*
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those
who got there first.
*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
*
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
*
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
*
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
*
All things considered, fat people use more soap.
*
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. =============

2006-09-24 04:53:03 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

11. "What the f**k do you mean we're sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the f**k was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those f**king Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any f**king idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f**king look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f**k did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f**k are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f**king showers, my ***!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f**k is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f**king mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

2006-09-24 04:47:19 · 19 answers · asked by sylesh3 3

2006-09-24 04:30:35 · 22 answers · asked by dunc 3

1. zzzz
Bull

2. weather
feeling

3. What word starts with an "e", ends with and "e" and only contains one letter?

4. What two words when combined, hold the most letters?

5. ENTURY

6. B
BA
BACK

7. Don't cry
spilled milk

8. STEP PETS PETS

9. T T T T RRRRRRRRR

10. Gun Jr.

11. VAD ERS

12. sight love
sight
sight

13. OHIOWA

14. sweet sweet
be be
gotten gotten gotten gotten

15. m ce
m ce
m ce

16. MEREPEAT

17. somewhere
rainbow

18. i i
o o
o o
o o

19. timertimer

20. $0 all all all all

2006-09-24 03:59:59 · 14 answers · asked by Drama Queen 6

2006-09-24 03:59:52 · 7 answers · asked by mafiagirl1996 2

You have 8 ball bearings and a set of tip scales

All 8 ball bearings are the same size and colour

Except one of the ball bearings is lighter than the rest

You’re only allowed to weigh the ball bearings twice
to find out which ball bearing is the lightest

How do you do this

2006-09-24 03:56:54 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE OTHER NIGHT I WAS INVITED OUT WITH THE GIRLS. I TOLD MY HUSBAND I WOULD BE HOME BY MIDNIGHT. WELL HOURS PASSED AND THE VODKA AND COKE'S SLIPPED DOWN EASY. AROUND 3AM I HEADED BACK HOME. JUST AS I GOT IN THE DOOR THE CUCKOO CLOCK IN THE HALLWAY CUCKOOED 3 TIMES. QUICKLY REALISING MY HUSBAND WOULD WAKE UP I CUCKOOED ANOTHER 9 TIMES. THAT WAY HE WOULD THINK IT WAS 12 OCLOCK.
THE NEXT MORNING MU HUSBAND ASKED ME WHAT TIME I GOT IN, MIDNIGHT I SAID
HE DIDN'T SEEM PIS.S.ED OFF AT ALL/ PHEW GOT AWAY WITH THAT ONE
THEN HE SAID
WE NEED A NEW CUCKOO CLOCK
WHY'S THAT
WELL LAST NIGHT OUR CLOCK CUCKOOED 3 TIMES THEN SAID SH.I.T
CUCKOOED 4 MORE TIMES THEN CLEARED ITS THROAT
CUCKOOED ANOTHER 3 TIMES AND GIGGLED
CUCKOOED TWICE MORE AND TRIPPED OVER THE COFFEE TABLE AND FARTED.........

2006-09-24 03:52:31 · 25 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Sciencentifically it would be an Onion with extremely large ears but in this case it'll be one piece of @$$ that'll make your eyes water!

2006-09-24 03:42:04 · 5 answers · asked by Tigger-Tiger 2

2006-09-24 03:33:54 · 9 answers · asked by blackdahlia616 4

A pancake that has fallen on the kitchen floor and you are very hungry for a pancake, but when you pick the pancake up you find the gooey syrup and the creamy butter are like flypaper and so your spongey, yummy pancake is covered in lint, dustmites, a splotch of still-moist mustard from the night before, a broken match, a dirty fingernail, and of course millions of squirming, pulsing bacteria. Also: the pancake now smells like bellybutton, so you puke. But your stomach is empty so you dry heave, and now the pancake is covered in your early morning bile. Anyway, you're so hungry so you eat the pancake.
Man, that is totally gross.

2006-09-24 03:31:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

cat in the water hen in the freezer and a donkey in the sun what do u get wet pu**y a cold co*K and a hot a**

2006-09-24 03:30:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

You tell them that you went to the museum, saw dinosaur bones, and thought of them.

2: For their birthday, you offer to help them blow out the candles.

3: On their birthday, you tell the fire department that if they see a large fire, don't water it down, because soggy cake is no good.

4: Explain to them that the reason that no one can see the Christmas tree is because you put on every ornament that they got in their life.

5: Ask them if they got Columbus' autograph.

6: Tell them that the reason that they got no birthday gifts was that everyone had to pitch in to buy the candles.

7: Ask them if the Disney hit Hercules is telling the truth.

8: Ask them in what order God REALLY made the Earth.

9: Ask them if they helped God write the Bible.

10: Ask them if they personally knew Adam and Eve.

2006-09-24 03:29:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just throw up!
They can't measure your intelligence. The scale won't go that low.
Appearances can be deceiving. Or in your case, disgusting.
I promise not to make fun of your height. I would never stoop to that.
I'm glad you're tall. It gives me more of you to dislike.
I think you stepped on something smelly. Like your feet!
I've seen tables with nicer looking legs than yours.
Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death?
Your mouth's the perfect size... for your foot.
I've seen a nose like yours before, but it looked better on the baboon.
Know what I like about your face? Me neither.
Know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.
Why don't you do something different with your hair? Like, wash it.
You're a person of rare intelligence. It's rare when you show any.
You'll never use your mind. You can't lose what you never had.
You've made this date I won't forget... no matter how hard I try.
I know why they call this a "blind date." Because now that I've seen you, I wish I were blind.
You're like disposable diapers...always getting dumped.
''What are you doing Friday night?'' ''Trying to forget you just asked me that.''
"What's he got that I haven't?" "You want it alphabetically?"

2006-09-24 03:26:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a fish waiting for a fly to drop 6 inches so the fish could eat the fly.
There was a PussyCat waiting for the fly to drop 6 inches so the fish would eat the fly and the cat could eat the fish.
There was a bear waiting for the fly to drop 6 inches so the fish would eat the fly, the cat would miss the fish, and the bear would get the fish.
There was a hunter waiting for the fly to drop 6 inches so the fish would eat the fly, the cat would miss the fish, the bear would get the fish, and the hunter could get the bear.
So, the fly drops 6 inches, the fish gets the fly, the cat misses the fly and falls in the water, the bear gets the fish, and the hunter gets the bear.

Moral of the story is that when the fly drops 6 inches the pu-ssy gets wet.

2006-09-24 03:14:18 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6

would someone tell me a jokes, I love to laught, they say it good for the heart.

2006-09-24 02:58:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a man driving his trunk down the road. He stop 2 pick up a nun that was hitchhiking. they started talking. the driver asked was it true nun can't have sex. The nun replied yes my son that is true. The only way is 2 get it from behind and thats okay. So the driver said it been a while do u think we can. after do it in the back of the truck. The hitchhiker said 2 the truck driver I have 2 make a confession my name is tony and Iam on the way 2 a costume party.

2006-09-24 02:54:17 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 02:51:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 02:47:36 · 3 answers · asked by AuctionMan99 2

2006-09-24 02:10:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

......or do you eat your fingers separately??

2006-09-24 01:59:13 · 18 answers · asked by frenchy62 7

2006-09-24 01:31:26 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane.

He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."
B-R-O-W-N
The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6- inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for my rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."

2006-09-24 01:26:11 · 24 answers · asked by neha 3

2006-09-24 01:15:30 · 15 answers · asked by Polo 7

do some of you take this stuff so seriously??? if it's in the joke section then its put here for fun, so why not just realx take a pill and have fun with it. I am here for fun i love the jokes and i love putting them on here so lighten up some of you are way to uptight!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥ oh and i cant wait to here some of the put downs for this comment LMAO

2006-09-24 00:56:08 · 13 answers · asked by babyblue 2

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is
a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've
never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think
they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even
sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my husband
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to
discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and
when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it
would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how
do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00
an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. Do You think she is
going through mental pause??

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in
sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

2006-09-24 00:44:27 · 14 answers · asked by babyblue 2

Yo momma's so ugly when she walks in the kitchen the rats jump on the table and start screaming

2006-09-24 00:29:03 · 25 answers · asked by ? 2

An English businessman was walking along a country road in Ireland after his car had broken down. Along the road came a farmer driving a donkey and trailer, taking his prize pig for sale in the local market.

The farmer asked “Would you like a lift into town?”

“That’s very kind of you.” And the businessman climbed onto the trailer.

A few miles down the road a car travelling at high speed, crashed into the donkey and trailer, sending the occupants in all directions.

The farmer picked himself up, looked at the donkey with its broken leg and said, “Well old donkey you have served me well, but I can’t do anything for you know.” And with that the farmer loaded his shot gun and gave it both barrels.

The farmer looked at the pig with its head split open and blood pouring out, said “I won’t get anything for you at market”, and again gave it both barrels.

The farmer looked at the businessman, his head was split open, had broken arms and legs, asked “How are you feeling?”

The businessman jumped up, brushed his suit down and replied, “I have never felt better in my life!”

2006-09-24 00:28:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous