Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

She blows herself up.

Funny or not?

2006-09-24 09:38:01 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

because it scares the **** out of the guide dogs.

2006-09-24 09:35:16 · 13 answers · asked by JAY JAY 3

WAVE.....

2006-09-24 09:33:10 · 14 answers · asked by JAY JAY 3

i went this weekend and spent £200.00 on an enema..it cleared me right out....

2006-09-24 09:32:11 · 6 answers · asked by JAY JAY 3

2006-09-24 09:25:52 · 7 answers · asked by mica 2

2006-09-24 09:25:20 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

the two directors of a large business knew their office building was unsafe, but were too cheap to make the necessary changes. as a result, the entire building burnt down to the ground, killing almost one hundred innocent people. Satan told the directors that they have two choices. they could spend the rest of eternity in the cold room, where their blood would freeze and their extremities would drop off, or they could spend it in the hot room, where their skin would blister and peel off slowly and painfully, layer after layer. both choices sounded pretty bad to the directors
suddenly one of them noticed the sex room, and with a huge smile he leapt toward it
opening the door, he revealed a room full of directors getting b-l-o-w-j-o-b-s from the best looking secretaries he had ever seen. he turned to Satan and said with a wink, 'hey, I think we want this room!' Satan shook his head and said, 'you cant go there...that’s secretary hell!'

2006-09-24 09:23:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Carnival trick...
A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50." The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less. In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

Romeo and Juliet
Romeo and Juliet are found dead on the floor in a bedroom. When they were discovered, there were pieces of glass and some water on the floor. The only furniture in the room is a shelf and a bed. The house in is a remote location, away from everything except for the nearby railway track. What caused the death of Romeo and Juliet?

2006-09-24 09:23:39 · 19 answers · asked by Randomgal 2

A mother is 21 years older than the child.
6 years from now the mother will be 5 times as old as the child.
Question : Where's the father?

2006-09-24 09:14:21 · 11 answers · asked by smsclubkenya 2

If your smart, answer it!
:-)

2006-09-24 09:07:17 · 23 answers · asked by yehudah2002 2

Because there wasn't enough Somalians, Eastern Europeans, Poles and Africans on television.
They telephoned me to say that they agreed with me entirely and have informed me that to make up for it they are going to show Crimewatch every night instead of once a month.

2006-09-24 09:06:23 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

a priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi in the same town all traded in their cars on nice new ones around the same time. feeling the need to celebrate, the priest sprinkled water on his cars hood. not to be outdone, the Baptist minister drove his car into the lake. the rabbi thought for a while and then brought a hacksaw over to his car and carefully sawed off a half inch of tailpipe

2006-09-24 09:06:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

in the beginning there was nothing, then god said 'let there be light.'
and there was light. there was still nothing, but you could see it a lot better

2006-09-24 08:54:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 08:51:20 · 9 answers · asked by HukedOnFonix 2

can you give me any ideas on what else i can do this evening? my fellas not here so might as well keep the answers clean! or what the hell, give me some dirty ideas as well xx

2006-09-24 08:50:07 · 13 answers · asked by Mrs Chicagosgirl!! 5

a rude sober rubbish robber once robbed a rural rubber factory ribbed to rub his raw nipples with the real rubber wich lays at the pencil`s rear because he wanted to rave behind the bars now with the rubber in his eyes and a razor blade stuck in his arms thru the small window now hes counting the "plastic" stars ..... hears a whisper from not too far "welcome in the european union" allmighty 12 stars.

2006-09-24 08:48:07 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus, hanging from the cross, sees peter in the throng of people at the bottom of the hill.
'peter! he calls. peter hears and says, I hear you, my lord. I’m coming.' as he begins the climb a guard blocks his way and says, 'stop. or I’ll have to cut off your leg.' but peter replies, 'I mustn’t stop, my lord is calling for me.' so he holds out his leg for the guard to cut off, then continues on, bleeding badly
Jesus continues to call, 'peter, peter!' peter, in terrible pain, hops on up to the hill, gasping, 'I’m coming, my lord, I’m coming.' just then he is stopped by another guard who says, 'I’ll cut your arm off if you try to get past me,' so peter holds his arm out and says, as you will. I must go to the lord.' so the guard chops off his arm and peter continues on, growing pale from the blood loss. now crawling along up the hill, peter hears Jesus calling again. 'I’ll be there soon, my lord!' promises peter. another guard blocks his way. 'stop, or I will cut off your other arm,' said the guard. Weak and in pain, peter holds out his arm to be chopped off. He says, ‘our lord is beckoning me. I must go to him.’ Now, armless and with only one leg, he somehow makes it to the top of the hill, dragging his bloody body to Jesus’ feet. ‘lord, I have answered your call.’ Jesus looks down at him and says, ‘hey, guess what peter! I can see your house from here!’

2006-09-24 08:43:27 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
.
.
.
.
.


The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

2006-09-24 08:42:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I sleep but never dream. You can rock me in a cradle, but I'm not a baby and I can go around the world faster than you can cross a room. What am I?

Good luck!

2006-09-24 08:41:44 · 10 answers · asked by z0mbydude 2

dad walked in2 sons bedroom and caught him playin with himself..he said if u dont stop doin that ul go blind..nxt day the same thing happend ,the dad said iv told u not 2 do that or ul go blind ,,the son said cant i just do it a little bit and wear glasses ?

2006-09-24 08:39:54 · 11 answers · asked by sam 2

this ones kinda hard, i never woulda guessed

2006-09-24 08:33:41 · 11 answers · asked by sweetestrose1983 2

It's the law to put the expiration date on a loaf of bread,but did you know that they also have to put the day it was bake on the loaf how do they achive this.

2006-09-24 08:26:52 · 4 answers · asked by kman1830 5

if you ran around at night sreaming really loud



honked the horn all night having everyone awake



or eating spagetti for dessert

2006-09-24 08:24:06 · 9 answers · asked by daniel.gzmn 2

Willy's cynical thought for the fugging day;

When you're rich it's eccentric when ya poor it's just fawking weird!

The Sea (by children)

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together the comments that were funny and sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years:

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 6)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 8)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her Coochie. (Julie age 7)

http://www.willyblues.com/

2006-09-24 08:19:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 08:17:48 · 5 answers · asked by sweetestrose1983 2

someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog

2006-09-24 08:14:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ***. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.

Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ***. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his *** howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his *** and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''

A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'''

2006-09-24 08:11:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

finish this with something funny you know....

2006-09-24 08:11:39 · 9 answers · asked by caramel 2

need a laugh

2006-09-24 08:08:44 · 6 answers · asked by Flowers 7

you all must have seen this goto it very funny


http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1156536527

2006-09-24 08:07:31 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous