Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-24 08:05:18 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 08:00:42 · 10 answers · asked by little miss 2

there was a pope who was loved by all men, and when he died and went to heaven saint peter met him with a warm embrace
'welcome your holiness, we are honored to have you here. your dedication in serving your fellow man has earned you great respect here, and for this we grant you free access to all parts of heaven. you may go anywhere and speak to anyone. now, is there anything which your holiness desires?'
'well, yes,' the pope replied. 'I have spent many years trying to work out the mysteries of the universe. I have spent hours pondering questions that have confounded philosophers through the ages. I would dearly love to read any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between god and the prophets of old. I would love to see what was actually said, first hand.'
saint peter immediately ushered the pope to heavenly library. the pope sat down and began to read the true history of the earth.
some time later a scream of heart chilling anguish rang out from the bookshelves of the library. Angels came running. There they found the pope, with a look of complete horror on his face, pointed to a single word on an old parchment, saying, ‘there’s an “R”- its “celibrate!”’

2006-09-24 07:56:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I ask the Liberian at my local Liberia what time is it. she ask me did I want to now what time it was right now. I said no I want to now what time it is 5 minutes from now. heres your sing.

2006-09-24 07:53:06 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

two nuns are bicycling down a cobblestone street. the first one says to the other, 'I haven’t come this way before.' the second one says, 'its the cobbles.'

2006-09-24 07:40:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you were stuck on a mountain and their is no physical way to get down what would you do

there is a log house which has nothing inside of it



their is no right or wrong answer

2006-09-24 07:39:00 · 7 answers · asked by daniel.gzmn 2

to see his flatmate

2006-09-24 07:38:07 · 21 answers · asked by darren v 2

2006-09-24 07:37:04 · 12 answers · asked by bob m 1

setting in a kitchen you are looking for an old lady then her face shows up on screen

2006-09-24 07:32:30 · 2 answers · asked by pam e 1

A magician was boasting one day about how long he could hold his breath underwater. His record was 6 minutes. A kid that was listening said, "thats nothing, I can stay underwater for 10 minutes using no equipment and no air pockets!" the magician told him that if he could do this he would give him 10,000 dollars. The kid did it and won the money. How did he do this?

2006-09-24 07:27:10 · 10 answers · asked by Mr T 4

A man is dead with a hole in his suit. How did he die?

2006-09-24 07:24:50 · 7 answers · asked by Mr T 4

You are on a ship, over the side hangs a rope ladder with half meter rungs. The tide rises a half meter per hour. At the end of five hours, how much of the ladder will remain above the water assuming that nine rungs were above the water when the tide began to rise? no cheating(looking on the web for the answer, UNLESS you cant figure it out)

2006-09-24 07:22:00 · 8 answers · asked by Mr T 4

knickersofalot

2006-09-24 06:53:23 · 32 answers · asked by darren v 2

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."

2006-09-24 06:41:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 06:41:06 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 06:40:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

so... there is an island around which circle several trains withou stopping so u cant get past. a man an woman want to get there so the woman can see her sis in hospital and the man can see their son in prison. what do they do?

2006-09-24 06:38:59 · 8 answers · asked by Belosnezhka (aka Gex) 6

ha ha ha a a a h ah ah ah a ha h

2006-09-24 06:38:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 06:27:58 · 9 answers · asked by j23.mikel 1

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

2006-09-24 06:24:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?"

His mother ,very surprised, replies; "Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight".

The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...

"Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!"

2006-09-24 06:22:41 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

2006-09-24 06:21:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my a*s." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his a*s!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

2006-09-24 05:55:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 05:35:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 05:32:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

i know it seems like a dumb question but im stumped.

what rhymes with care besides share,fair,dare

2006-09-24 05:30:32 · 17 answers · asked by tickledpink6754 1

2006-09-24 05:27:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I the P.E.NI.S request a raise in salary for the following reasons
1. i do physical labour
2.i work at great depths
3.i plunge head first at great depths
4. i do not get weekends and public holidays off
5.i work in a damp environment
6. i work in area with poor ventilation
7.iwork in a hot temperature
8. my work exposes me too diseases.

dear p.e.n.i.s.

after assesing your request and considering all the arguments you have raised the management denies your request for the following reasons
1. you do not work 8 straight hours
2. you fall asleep after brief periods
3.you will retire before 65
4. you do not stay in your designated area and are often seen using other locations
5. you leave the work place rather messy at the end of your shift
6.you do not take initative and have to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
7. you dont always wear protective clothing
8. you have been constantly seen entering the work area carrying 2 suspicious looking bags

2006-09-24 05:24:17 · 22 answers · asked by chris w. 7

These three guys rented a room in a hotel there they met this old guy who comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside hotel room. He tells them ", you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So these guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. While the third guy was jumping a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh ****!"

2006-09-24 05:18:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 05:16:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anthony C 1