Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-24 18:48:36 · 20 answers · asked by witxpert 1

a NY lawyer went duck hunting in rural texas. he shot and dropped a bird, but it fell just on the other side of the fence.
as the lawyer climbed over the fence, an old farmer drove up on his tractor and said he was tresspassing. the lawyer said "i shot this duck and i just need to retrieve it."
the farmer said, "nope, i won't allow you on my property"
lawyer: "i'm a great trial lawyer and if you don't let me get my property i will sue you for all you're worth"
farmer: "you don't know how we do things in texas. we settle small disputes like this with the texas 3 kick rule"
lawyer: "what's that?"
farmer: "1st i kick you 3 times, then you kick me 3 times, etc. back and forth till one of us gives up"
the lawyer thought he can beat the old geezer so he agreed.
the farmer plants a toe of his heavy work boot smack to the lawyers groin, 2nd kick to his head, and 3rd kick to his kidney.
the lawyer managed to get to his feet finally saying, "ok you old coot, now it's my turn"
farmer smiled and said: "naw, i give up, you can have the duck!"

2006-09-24 18:34:20 · 10 answers · asked by duhman 3

they have the star of david on the bottom of the shoe

2006-09-24 18:21:58 · 7 answers · asked by the man 1

Have you ever asked yourself why you do the stuff you do like go to work, lift weights, watch tv, etc. If you ask yourself why you do something they keep asking why you will find that sooner or later you will not have answer. So my question to anyone of you is why would you even bother asking my question.

2006-09-24 18:20:05 · 10 answers · asked by TC 1

Okay I know its not ha ha funny. kinda lame but I made it up and would like to see what you all think...here goes

They came in twos and threes, dressed up in their battle gear. St. Peter stopped them at the gate and asked them, "Men how did you come here?" Every one of them replied, "I died fighting for my country sir!" St. Peter let them in. Finally, one fellow came wearing a blue surgical smock, gloves, and a mask. St. Peter stopped him too and he said, "Sir, how did you come here?"
The doctor gave a rueful smile and with a shrug, pointed at the new arrivals, "They died for their country."

anyways, i would like to hear some jokes too plz!

2006-09-24 18:10:12 · 3 answers · asked by macaan87 2

Lets find out? Answer biatches!

2006-09-24 17:59:54 · 22 answers · asked by ImAGenius 1

a husband and wife were riding down the road when there were a family of skunks walking across the road. they swerved to miss them but bumped one on the end of the line. they stopped and ran towards it. they picked it up and decided to bring it to the vet. when they got in the car the husband told his wife," hold the skunk between your legs so the poor thing doesn't get cold." she says." won't that stink?" he says," may no just pinch his little nosey."

2006-09-24 17:58:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

"What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran that stop sign back there."

"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir."

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

“You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."

2006-09-24 17:56:25 · 11 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

no kidding??

2006-09-24 17:36:02 · 48 answers · asked by lazareh 2

I f***ed this old lady in the graveyard godd**n her old soul was dead, maggots crawled out of her A**hole, and her hair slipped off her head. After I finished my job there I seen I've comitted a sin, out of my pocked I drew a straw and sucked out the load I shot in--no personally I can care less what your opinions of me are. Just answer the fu**in' question!!!!!

2006-09-24 17:30:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

poof, an angel appeared and said, 'For your birthdays, you will each be granted one wish.' The old lady said,' I wish I could go all around the world.' Poof! When the smoke cleared, she had tickets in her hand to go all over the whole world! The man said, 'I was going to wish to have a woman that was 30 years younger than me...' and poof! He was 90 years old!

2006-09-24 17:07:52 · 17 answers · asked by NANCY K 6

here it is:
What can I do about my flat feet?

lol!

2006-09-24 16:56:17 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I mean, riddles are supposed to have one answer. I have answered some, and I know that my answer could have applied, even though that it was not the "correct one".

2006-09-24 16:54:42 · 12 answers · asked by smarti 2

THERE IS THREE MEN LOST IN THE WOODS. THEY GET COUGHT BY A TRIBE. THE CHIEF SAY TO ONE OF THEM, "UGA BUGA OR DEATH" HE SAYS UGA BUGA. THE CHIEFS TELLS THE TRIBE UGA BUGA SO EVRYBODY BANGS HIM. HE ASKED THE SECOND ONE AND HE CHOSES UGA BUGA. THEY GIVE HIM UGA BUGA. THE CHIEF ASKES THE LAST ONE. HE ANSWERS I PREFER DYING THEN LOSING MY MEN HOOD SO I TAKE DEATH I WOULD DIED WITH PRIDE. THE CHIEF TELLS THE TRIBE OK DEATH BY UGA BUGA.

2006-09-24 16:52:36 · 7 answers · asked by VICTOR M 1

A kid goes in with his dad to a pharmancy store. The kid asks what are those ballons. The dad says those are condoms. The kid says yeah I heard of them in health. Who buys 3? The dad says for high school kids, 1 for friday, 1 for saturday, and 1 for sunday. Ok, then who buys 6? The dad says for college kids, 2 for friday, 2 for saturday, and 2 for sunday. Well, who buys 12? The dad says married people, 1 for january, 1 for february......

:D

2006-09-24 16:48:27 · 19 answers · asked by xfchris999 2

1. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing is wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

2. Which word, if pronounced right, is wrong, but if pronounced wrong is right?

3. If you are in a dark room with a candle, a wood stove and a gas lamp. You only have one match, so what do you light first?

2006-09-24 16:42:01 · 23 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

2006-09-24 16:35:53 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

with the car doors locked

2006-09-24 16:31:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Theres this riddle that either ben franklin or thomas eddison (maybe someone else made it) but its one of the hardest riddles ever made. It goes something like mr. white lives next to mr. red. one man is koren or something.... basically u need to find out what house, pet, drink and race is mr. green... sorry i know its vage and scattered but does anyone know where i can find this

2006-09-24 16:31:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some original, good quality jokes, and if at least one of them wasn't about sex, blondes, or religion, well, that would be just swell! Whoever makes me laugh the hardest will get the best answer!

2006-09-24 16:15:25 · 14 answers · asked by legallyblond2day 5

2006-09-24 16:13:01 · 25 answers · asked by R@chel 2

2006-09-24 16:11:42 · 5 answers · asked by snowwhite 2

I've had a depressing day, tell me some jokes please?

2006-09-24 15:57:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she decided to call a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him:
"I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler, Brutus. He won't bother you.
But whatever you do, do NOT talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
But the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself an longer and yelled:

"Shut up already, stupid bird!"

To which the parrot replied:

"Go get him, Brutus!

2006-09-24 15:37:29 · 15 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

This what ive learnt in the past week about oranges, From Answers I recieved lol..
oranges basically look like an orange!its a snack not a fruit or vege lol.its round they come in yellow,red,violet,brown blackeven green colours you can also paint them.
oranges were born in hospitals also in plants and sometimes they appear rapidily.oranges taste like sweet & sour,apparantly they tastegood!1 person ate 50 a day.the diference between an orange and applel,ol well for some reason the apple was an orange but then i touched it, it turned into an applealso we can eat the skin of an apple but not an orange.some say oranges have feelings,some say no, i am yet to reslove this issue.oranges are round cause they start with w and an o .if an orange were square it would tear and make holes in our lunchbags.An orange would be replaced by George W bush,Apparantly an orange is more exciting than him.Only way for me to open an orange factory is to use a key.or growing an orange tree in my yard.

2006-09-24 15:33:06 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 15:21:11 · 12 answers · asked by Randomgal 2

... they really weren't. In fact their jokes were always stupid and they don't know how to tell a punchline.... and they married into your family..... how long would you wait to tell them they aren't funny... and how would you tell them that your tiired pretending that their jokes SUCK!

2006-09-24 15:20:45 · 10 answers · asked by hearts_pool_chess 2

2006-09-24 15:13:47 · 13 answers · asked by sebas 2

An old man wanted to leave all of his money to one of his three sons, but he didn't know which one he should give it to. He gave each of them a few coins and told them to buy something that would be able to fill their living room. The first man bought straw, but there was not enough to fill the room. The second bought some sticks, but they still did not fill the room. The third man bought two things that filled the room, so he obtained his father's fortune. What were the two things that the man bought?

2006-09-24 15:05:36 · 13 answers · asked by Randomgal 2

Dane cook is sooooo overrated! Why do people love him so much? He's a moderately attractive man who tells frat party stories that lead no where! I watched parts of the Vicious Circle. SOOOOOo Lame! A wizard on a mountain? Gimme an effing break. Plus he steals jokes from Louis CK.

2006-09-24 13:58:59 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous