Tell Some Jokes?

Question

I've had a depressing day, tell me some jokes please?

Answer 1

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured
them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off
imediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses,one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that
they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport
territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it
will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says,
"You know,Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, andwe're all gonna die.."

Answer 2

This man goes to the doctors as he is having problems getting an irrection.
When he arrives home he's stood there in top hat and tails holding a cane. His wife looks at him asks what the doctor said,and why was he dressed like that.
"The doctor said i was important" he replied,"and important i'm gonna look."


Two nuns walking down the street when a naked man walked by them,one had stroke,the other one couldn't reach.


These two horses are stood at a bar when a dog comes in and orders a drink.The horses look at each other and one says to the other "well i never knew dogs could talk."


This guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.He opens his bag,pulls out a small piano and a man1foot high,sits him by the piano and begins to have his drink.
The bar man looks at the guy and asks him what's with the piano and the little guy.
The man replies that he met a genie that day and was granted a wish.
The barman says "and that's what you asked for".
"Did i heck",replied the man "how did i know he was deaf,i wanted a 12 inch penis.

Answer 3

There are 4 people on a plane. The president, a Sheriff, and a little boy and his grandpa. The plane is heading strait for a cliff, and there's only enough parachutes for 3 people. The president grabs ones and say's, "I'm too important to die!", and jumps. The Sheriff grabs the next one and says, "I have a family waiting, can't die now!", and also jumps. Now that there's one parchute left, the Grandpa turns to the little boy, sighs, and says, "I'm getting on in my years, and I think it's best for you to survive this journey so that you can have many more ahead of you. Take this, and jump." Then the little boy looks at him with a smile and replies, "It's ok grandpa, the Sheriff took my backpack."

Answer 4

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call [phone]" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

Answer 5

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Answer 6

I hope these sites give you hours of fun in reading some of the funniest jokes around.

http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index.jhtml

http://www.ahajokes.com/

http://www.ahajokes.com/kids_jokes.html

http://xtraedition.indiatimes.com/articleshow/1885192.cms

http://www.byrum.org/the.web.walker/tasteless/index.html

http://www.thefunnypages.com/

http://www.johndclare.net/Russ12_Jokes.htm

http://www.landbigfish.com/jokes/default.cfm

Answer 7

Q: What does a guy cow eat?
A: haaaaaayy

~*~

Q: Why was Piglet looking in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh

~*~

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law School

~*~

*Knock, knock
Whos there?
*Who cares? Your moms a ho

~*~

Last but not least- funny video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw

Answer 8

how do` u excite a blind quer?

leave the plunger in the toilet

what do u see when the pillsbury doe boy bends over?

doughnuts


whats green and red and goes 100mph?

a frog in a blender

thanks u been a good crowd try the sushi

Answer 9

two wives were talking... wife 1 says." my husband doesn't want to have sex anymore what is wrong with me?"
wife 2 tells her.."this is what you do. you go buy a pair of crouchless panties and sit on the recliner with your legs spread open and when your husband comes home ask if he wants to have sex i promise it will work." wife 1 says "ok" and goes out to buy her some crouchless panties. she puts them on, sat on the chair with her legs open, and when her husband came home she says. " hey you wanna have sex?" her husband says," hell no, look what that **** did to your panties.

Answer 10

lol