Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

English class. I wanna act smart tomorrow xD <<< does not know

2006-09-25 01:00:11 · 6 answers · asked by WainWain 2

would you feel a prick?

2006-09-25 00:44:01 · 8 answers · asked by SneakyStilo 3

I spent big bucks on this dye job so I WOULD NOT end up on someone's plate!

2006-09-25 00:16:13 · 13 answers · asked by opjames 4

Disorder in the Court


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of stayi ng calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

______________________________



ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the on e living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

_______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on deadpeople?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

______________________________________

This is Number one


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my de sk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!

2006-09-25 00:14:19 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-09-25 00:12:42 · 8 answers · asked by reppinca 2

Say, theoritically, a friend of mine accidently killed his girlfriend because she wouldn't shut the hell up. And suppose he asked me how he should get rid of the body, not that he did or anything, all hypothetical. Got any good tips that I would tell him, not that I actually have a friend that did this, just a "what if"

2006-09-25 00:09:01 · 9 answers · asked by yuntaa_dba 4

2006-09-24 23:55:45 · 50 answers · asked by jim 2

2006-09-24 23:46:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wondered who'd be the first....

2006-09-24 23:42:14 · 19 answers · asked by Michael E 4

2006-09-24 23:33:52 · 12 answers · asked by Darksword 2

is it my fair lady?

2006-09-24 23:33:49 · 10 answers · asked by elaine bonita 2

2006-09-24 23:30:47 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 23:26:57 · 11 answers · asked by Darksword 2

2006-09-24 23:23:03 · 13 answers · asked by isuru d 1

please finish the sentence

2006-09-24 23:22:21 · 11 answers · asked by Mr. Owl 3

you finish the sentence:)

2006-09-24 23:13:27 · 18 answers · asked by Mr. Owl 3

(the 1st to get the answer I have will get 10 points)

2006-09-24 22:07:25 · 8 answers · asked by damien_black4 3

just one detail. How many nerve endings do you want in her sex organs?
God asked how many they had given man
the angel answered 100
Give the woman a million God said. When she cums, I want her screaming MY name

2006-09-24 22:01:41 · 11 answers · asked by al p 3

A man was walking through a gravejard, when he saw a thomb.Next to the thomb was a marble made hart. And then the man laughed.
Why???

2006-09-24 21:28:58 · 15 answers · asked by kiki 2

A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV.

Early in the second round, one of the fighters goes down for the count. The husband sighs and says, "I'm so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"

The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."

2006-09-24 20:46:27 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's easier to see why men are happier than women -- at least, from their point of view.

One woman's list:


Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

2006-09-24 20:44:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

And the little one said WHAT?

What do you think you would say if you were the little one?

Funniest gets 10.

2006-09-24 20:20:00 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did we close the window?

2006-09-24 20:18:35 · 13 answers · asked by DrkCrwlr 2

if there are 3 people in a room and the door is locked and all the have in the room is a baseball bat, a stick, and a painno and each can only use one item. how would they get out?

2006-09-24 20:09:47 · 6 answers · asked by Randomgal 2

2006-09-24 19:56:43 · 18 answers · asked by gopalan20002001 1

An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president.When he arrived at the airport a host of newsmen and television cameras met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.
The chief made a series of weird noises.."screech,scratch, honk,buzz whistle..z-z-z-z"..and then added in perfect English,"Yes I had a very nice flight."
Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"
The chief made the same noises.."screech,scratch,honk,buzz, whistle..z-z-z-z-z...Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."
"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. Again came the noises..."screech,scratch,honk,buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z," and the chief replied, "From the shortwave radio."

2006-09-24 19:41:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-24 19:37:41 · 5 answers · asked by Toshiba S 2

2006-09-24 19:05:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

why are black people soo talll?

cause their knee-grows.

2006-09-24 19:04:28 · 10 answers · asked by Shone M 2

okay so a guy is
near the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.




One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.






The guy remembers that his little brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.







Lettuce!!!























Tomato!!!























Lettuce!!!
























Tomato!!!
























Lettuce!!!





















Tomato!!!






















She screams





Lettuce!!!



















Tomato!!!





Whoa!!!








PULL IT OUT!!!














PULL IT OUT NOW!!!











I can't get pregnant!












Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!

2006-09-24 18:57:56 · 17 answers · asked by grant212021 4