Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Once apon a time in a land full of trees...

2006-09-25 04:53:10 · 22 answers · asked by Jazz 4

A guy is standing over his tee shot for what seems like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, and figuring out the wind direction and speed. He's driving his partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"



Check out all my jokes!

2006-09-25 04:48:06 · 16 answers · asked by DefenderOfTheMeek22 4

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
Fifteen students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
One guy in the back raised his hand
"Come up here and tell us about it"
The redneck comes to the front of the class (remeber this is Alabama)
"So you've really slept with a ghost?"
"Ghost?" the redneck replies, "shucks no... I coulda sworn you said goats."

2006-09-25 04:43:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage if I carry on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rrriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled even worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

2006-09-25 04:38:23 · 21 answers · asked by DefenderOfTheMeek22 4

There were three guys. One a filipino, hawaiian, and a portogee.
They were running from a volcano eruption and and this person of light comes out and says you all have one wish to get out of this situation. So the filipino says i wish to be a bird. he gets turned into a bird and he flies away. They hawaiian wishes to be a rock so he gets turned into a rock. its the last guys turn he says "i wish to be... OH S**T!!!" he trips over the rock and he gets turned in to S**t.

Im not trying to be mean about the races because i heard it this way....
is it good or just hella stupid????

2006-09-25 04:37:05 · 10 answers · asked by lokalangel 3

A blond, a redhead and a brunette are in a breast stroke swimming competition. The redhead and brunette finish. The blond finally swims in crying, splashing around and saying, "It isn't fair - they cheated! They cheated!"

"Well, how did they cheat, sweetheart?"

"They used their ARMS!"





[ I'd personally like to meet this woman! ]

2006-09-25 04:27:05 · 11 answers · asked by Freesumpin 7

2006-09-25 04:16:59 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, 'Children, I would like you to close your eyes and taste these.'

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

'I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. 'It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all of the time.'

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,

'Spit 'em out, guys, they're a@@holes!'

2006-09-25 04:15:25 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-25 03:58:21 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was looking for something, and I didn't know what I was looking for.
Then I find it, but I still don't know what it is...
Now I am apperantly sening it to Japan.

PS: This is a true story

2006-09-25 03:47:59 · 12 answers · asked by Japan_is_home 5

Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some fun. So Friday afternoon, he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments, and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.

"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie, and fly away before she knows what happened."

So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell."

2006-09-25 03:45:09 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde women is sitting in her garage, alone, with a gun to her head. She is depressed and finally decides that she just can't live anymore. then, her husband comes home, finds her with the gun and begs her not to do it. "Please, honey, don't do it, i'll do anything you want, but please, don't kill yourself!" he pleads. "Shut up! your next!" the blonde says.

2006-09-25 03:44:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled "Not Milk."

2006-09-25 03:43:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a *** stain!"
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a *** stain too!"

The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building."

2006-09-25 03:41:39 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A black dog stands in the middle of an intersecton in a town painted black. None of the street lights are working due to a power failure caused by a storm. A car with two broken headlights drives towards the dog but turns in time to avoid hitting him. How could the driver have seen the dog in time?

2006-09-25 03:29:28 · 16 answers · asked by DiamondXxx 6

and also what word links line, smooth and glass

2006-09-25 03:26:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

2006-09-25 03:10:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you have a chicken and a bag of corn and a fox and you have to take them across the river in a boat one @ a time how do you do it without them eating each other? Remember you can take 1 @ a time and drop it off and come back for the other. GOOD LUCK will give answer this afternoon keep eye out.

2006-09-25 03:07:14 · 8 answers · asked by Betty L 2

2006-09-25 03:02:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-25 02:51:08 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Be on your guards OR be ready to laugh?

2006-09-25 02:33:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

it's a silly answer

2006-09-25 02:31:47 · 8 answers · asked by mr india 1

What do u call a person who keeps on talking even if people are no longer interested???

2006-09-25 02:03:09 · 79 answers · asked by Swati 2

"Fanny flips flapjacks frequently but Phil ______________________________________________

2006-09-25 02:01:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was asked to ask this by an Irishman.

2006-09-25 01:58:29 · 28 answers · asked by Morgan J 3

A priest and a rabbi were invited to a new resturant.

At the resturant the menu board annouces that the special of the day is roast pork, and the rabbi becomes offended.

Upon seeing this, the priest says" When are you going to forget your silly rules and eat pork like the rest of us?"

Without hesitation the rabbi replys " At your wedding Father, at your wedding".

2006-09-25 01:58:00 · 13 answers · asked by TOP DOG 4

There once was a little yellow toad, he was sad because he lived in a world that was all green. He decided to visit the Good Fairy to see if she could help him. The Fairy was not sure that she would be strong enough to turn the toad green but because he was so sad she decided to give it a shot. POOF, the toad looked at his legs and arms and he was green! He was happy until he noticed that one part of him had remained yellow, his little man part. The Fairy told him that she was sorry, and that he would need to see the Wizard to become totally green. So off went the toad.
About this time a pink elephant approaches the Fairy, "I saw what you did for that toad, could you please make me green too?" The Fairy told him that she was not strong enough to turn a little toad green and could never help the elephant, he would need to seek the wizard. The elephant began to cry, "I don't know how to get to the wizard" The Fairy said, " thats easy, follow the yellow dic# toad"

2006-09-25 01:36:22 · 13 answers · asked by reevesfarm 3

locations; fairfield, wetherill park, cabrammatta, liverpool etc?

2006-09-25 01:24:55 · 2 answers · asked by koolkatt29 1

The type "Where is the question" in yahoo answers.

Hi TO MARKHATTER.

2006-09-25 01:24:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blind fellow was attempting a charity parachute jump.

And his pal ask's him " How will you know when to bend your knee's at the end"

And he replies "Easy, my dog's lead gets slack"

2006-09-25 01:05:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous