2006-09-25 02:51:08 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
t was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. .. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I as able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. ... President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator.
2006-09-25 02:58:09 · answer #1 · answered by Kid A 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A man went to a hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. Now his problem was how to carry them all. He hit upon an idea: He’d put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in his other hand. When he was on his way, a little old lady approached him and asked for directions. “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” the lady asked. “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take the short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time,” the man answered. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said: “I am a widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?” The man said: “Holy smokes, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” The lady said: “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
2006-09-25 02:56:54 · answer #2 · answered by eDraLiN 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
This is a tale about the olden days when knights were big and bold.
There was a young maiden, who was betrothed to Boris bulgan the Bulgarian Baron
But Was in Love with Percy the Pauper the poor Persian Prince.
One day she ran away with Percy the Pauper the poor Persian Prince.
So her Father sent all his Armies out after her.
When she got back her Father said why did you run away with Percy the pauper the poor Persian Prince, When you are betrothed to Boris Bulgan The Bulgarian Baron.
She said I would Rather have my pretty pink panties patted and pampered by the perfect penis of Percy the pauper the poor Persian Prince than battered and bruised by the bleeding great balls of Boris Bulgan the Bulgarian Baron
This is a tongue twister to remember
2006-09-25 07:53:54 · answer #3 · answered by mushy peas 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This happened it Michigan. And half the state is still laughing.
Bob the weather man had predicted 8 inches of snow the evening before. And it didn't happen. On the news next morning a female news anchor looked at him and asked,"well Bob, where's that 8 inches that you promised me last night?"
Bob got up and left, as did the rest of the crew.
2006-09-25 03:43:27 · answer #4 · answered by Cal 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a joke for you
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus. So shut the hell up."
2006-09-25 02:58:02 · answer #5 · answered by cheyenne 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
some stuff is over the counter. some stuff desires a prescription. For each thing else.... there is credit card! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Snow youngster, a number of your stuff is so sturdy, I deliver it to a blind guy. He desires a $7000 laptop to make sure the stuff to him in a voice that sounds varieties like Stephen Hawking. The application he makes use of is Jaws, Ruby, and a couple of others. that is all so superior, the laptop and application comes with a maintenace settlement. He is conscious i'm loopy. (he's undecided approximately you!) yet, he tolerates me with the aid of fact I deliver your stuff to him to make him giggle!
2016-10-17 22:45:35 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What's He Like?
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."
Gay Parents
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ***."
Math Homework
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four
Nickels and Dimes
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
2006-09-25 03:30:53 · answer #7 · answered by Kate Jones 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hey, as to a fellow student I have been using a technique that has helped me to keep awake during these classes ,it is called the lion posture,it is a yoga exercise that keeps the blood circulation in your head and eyes fresh,here goes, you open your eyes as wide as you can and then you stick your tongue out as to try to lick your chin,meanwhile open your jaws as wide as possible,do it three times or as much times as needed,good luck on the language skills test,delmy d
2006-09-25 03:02:13 · answer #8 · answered by delmy d 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Did tht cheer u up?
2006-09-25 08:34:03 · answer #9 · answered by Confused?! 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Hi curlygirl, keep your studying up, you are doing a good job. Open your eyes, and grab a cup of coffee.
Happy Monday to you.
2006-09-25 02:55:39 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Guy goes to the doctor for a physical, doctor sees the guy has a $100 bill tatooed to his dick. The doctor finally has to ask "why did you tatoo a $100 bill to your dick? the guy says for 3 reasons.
I like to watch my money grow...
I like to hold my money in my hand...
and my wife likes to shop..
doctor says ok... I understand the first two but what does it have to do with your wife liking to shop?
guy says..
now she can stay home and blow a $100
2006-09-25 02:56:42 · answer #11 · answered by Mom 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋