Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

http://content.crazyphotos.com/12011731-large.jpg

2006-09-24 00:25:17 · 11 answers · asked by ? 2

2006-09-24 00:11:38 · 2 answers · asked by super_spontaneous2005 1

2006-09-23 23:40:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.funthumb.com/funnypictures/eyeexam2.htm

What does it say?

2006-09-23 23:22:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-23 23:19:36 · 14 answers · asked by vijil v 1

Hello all.
I have the above on contract with vodafone.
Can I change the sim card to a pay as you go and still be able to use the phone, or can vodaphone block usage after I insert new sim?? Not a teccie and really don't have a clue........Thanks
PS, sorry I've put this in jokes, but no-one answered in mobiles, so I thought I'd ask the lively bunch!!

2006-09-23 23:15:19 · 6 answers · asked by jennijan 4

2006-09-23 23:12:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. What is the lightest element in the Universe?
A: Oxygen? Hydrogen? How about the Penis. After all, a thought is sufficient to raise it!

2006-09-23 23:05:54 · 27 answers · asked by quilm 3

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

2006-09-23 23:01:51 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-09-23 23:00:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey, along came a WHAT?
What do you think should come along here? funniest gets 10.

2006-09-23 22:58:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

worked up he goes to the bathroom to masturbate. While he is rubbing one off a visitor walks in, sees what the pope is doing and takes a picture. The pope knows he must have that camera. He agrees to pay the guy $5000 for it.
Later the pope is walking and a cardinal comes up to him. "Nice camera." The cardinal says. "What did it cost?"
"$5000." The pope answers.
"Really?" The cardinal says. "It's not even worth $100. That guy must have seen you coming."

2006-09-23 22:51:45 · 7 answers · asked by al p 3

>>> Lost lots of lists.

2006-09-23 22:44:42 · 21 answers · asked by O.o 1

2006-09-23 22:39:18 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is that
The one who makes it do not need it
the one who uses it do not know about that
the one who see it, fears of it???

2006-09-23 22:39:00 · 10 answers · asked by kiki 2

2006-09-23 22:36:53 · 4 answers · asked by Honest Guy 3

2006-09-23 22:32:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...

Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...

Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

2006-09-23 22:23:55 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

Man O God what is one billion years meant to You?
God It is a second.
Man What is one billion dollars meant to You?
God A cent.
Man O God give me a cent
God Wait a second

2006-09-23 22:15:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

At the final of the nudist women's doubles tennis match at Wimbledon a problem was noticed by the umpire.

When talking after the game to reporters he said " In all my years, I've never seem the crowds heads move up and down more than from side to side?

2006-09-23 21:43:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Naughty joke from the hedgehog ( Beware )?
This young lady goes into a tattoo parlour and explains to the bloke inside that she wants a tattoo put on her southern region?

The bloke say's "That's okay, but I'll need to numb it first"

The lady say's "Okay then"

So the bloke put his head between her legs and goes "Numb, Numb, Numb" with his tougue.

2006-09-23 21:40:55 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Woman goes into doctors and explains she has a major problem.

The doctor say's "What is it" ?

She explains she had three holes instead of one in the southern region?

So the doctor has a look then goes to his desk and take three plasters out.

She asks "Will this cure me"

The doctors say's "Don't know but it will stop you getting f*cked left, right and centre.

2006-09-23 21:37:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-23 20:29:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Conversation heard on a plane.

Female: "I think everyone's asleep, lets go"
Male: OK
Sound of steps.]
Female: "This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"
Male: "It a bit cramped - let me sit down"
Female: "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"
Male: Yes
Sniff sniff
Female: "Ah perfume - you think of everything.This is great....." (long sigh)

*Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations...
>
>
>
>
Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

2006-09-23 20:28:19 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

We had some...interesting answers to this question. The one that made us all crack up was:
"I swear honey, I didn't know she was only 16."

-Wrong on so many levels. Do you have any good ones?

2006-09-23 20:11:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."

2006-09-23 20:09:00 · 7 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They decided to have fun with the man. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a girly-man." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that," said the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

2006-09-23 20:07:12 · 11 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

an American called jay arrived in hell, and was told he had a choice to make. he could go to capitalist hell or to communist hell.
naturally, jay wanted to compare the two, so he strolled on over to capitalist hell. there outside the door, was a demon, looking bored.
'what’s it like in there? asked jay. 'well,' the demon replied, 'in capitalist hell, they cut you fingers off, boil you in oil, chain you to a tree, tear your kidneys out, then cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.'
'that’s terrible!' gasped jay. 'I’m going to check out communist hell!' he wandered over to communist hell!' he wandered over to communist hell, were he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in. jay pushed his way to the head of the line, where he asked one of the demons what communist hell was like. 'in communist hell,' the demon replied impatiently, 'they cut you fingers off, boil you in oil, chain you to a tree, tear your kidneys out, then cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.'
But that’s the same as capitalist hell!’
True,’ sighed the demon, ‘but sometimes we don’t have oil, sometimes we don’t have knives…’

2006-09-23 19:55:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 women walk into a church wanting to become nuns. The first woman walks up to the priests and says that she wants to become a nun. The priest looks at her and says "First you have to answer a question."
"Ok." the woman said.
"Who was the 1st man on earth?" the priest.
"Adam." replies the woman. After she answers the door to the back of the church opens, a light shines down, birds start singing and she walks in.
The 2nd women's chance came, the priest asks her "Who was the first woman on earth?"
The woman smiles and says "Eve." The door opens, the light shines down, the birds start singing and she walks in.
Then 3rd woman walks in, the priest asked her "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The woman stands there thinking and thinking then said "Boy, that's a hard one."
The door opens, the lights shine down, the birds start singing and she walks in.

2006-09-23 19:44:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time we saw this following riddle:

How do you buy four suits for a dollar?
A: By buying a deck of cards!

Heh. And now here is today's riddle:

What is opposite of the word "woe"?

Have fun! :)

2006-09-23 19:31:19 · 14 answers · asked by iamigloo 6