Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Would just love to hear them, there bound to be some out there.

2006-09-23 15:47:45 · 11 answers · asked by WhiteHat 6

you know like on blue collar comedy

2006-09-23 15:28:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

mcdonalds representative goes to the pope and says: 'i can give the church 2 billon dollars if in our lords prayer u replace the word bead with cheeseburger' the pope says 'my son i cannot change the words of the holy text, but i will consult my cardinals'. ... so the pope calls a meeting of the holy cardinals and says 'my friends i have some good news and some bad news... the good news is i can get the chuch 2 bill dollars ... but the bad news is we have to cancel our contract with Hovis!!!'

2006-09-23 15:05:16 · 22 answers · asked by Belosnezhka (aka Gex) 6

2006-09-23 14:51:46 · 29 answers · asked by 01101010010 0 2

one Tuesday morning a guy arrives at the pearly gates. he waits there for ages until he has reached the front of the queue. St peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering heaven. after several minutes, St peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, 'you haven’t done anything really spectacularly good in your life, but you also haven’t done anything bad. tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did in your life, I’ll let you in.'
the guy thinks for a moment and says, 'okay, well there was this one time when I was out driving and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. there were about 20 of them. so I slowed down, got out of my car, grabbed the jack out of the trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. he was this huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. as I walked up to the leader, the gang members formed a circle around me. so, I ripped the leaders chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the jack,’ the guy says
then I turned around and yelled at the rest of them, “leave this poor, innocent girl alone!
You’re all a bunch of sick deranged animals! Go home before I kill the lot of you!”’
St peter, very impressed, says, ‘wow! When did this happen?’
‘about ten minutes ago.’

2006-09-23 14:49:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Well, some guy called me baby, told me to shut up and bought me this damn bird, told me if it didn't sing he'd buy me a diamond ring. WELL HE HASN'T YET AND THIS DAMN BIRD KEEPS BITING ME. Help!

2006-09-23 14:44:23 · 16 answers · asked by layfettelove 1

2006-09-23 14:37:22 · 25 answers · asked by lyssa1913 2

2006-09-23 14:34:27 · 8 answers · asked by Eve A 1

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.



"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.



Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the
ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.



"They're called tees" replies Tiger.



"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.



"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.


"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW dinks of everything."

2006-09-23 14:00:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

i have no idea what this is. please help!

2006-09-23 13:56:39 · 32 answers · asked by aya 2

2006-09-23 13:51:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

the pope got the bird flu. according to cnn one of the cardinals gave it to him

2006-09-23 13:41:47 · 18 answers · asked by loveable_bear3030 2

One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns. She said, "There was a man in the convent last night." 99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee. The head nun goes on, "We found a condom in the garden." Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goes hee hee hee. The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom." 99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.

2006-09-23 13:41:25 · 9 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court!"

The court room went silent and Paddy (the best man) stood up and said, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

"Well", continued Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leaped over the table, ran towards us, and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded: "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replied, "HURT ?? It broke 3 of my fingers!!!"

2006-09-23 13:35:03 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

do you know where the sex organ of an elephant is it his foot cause if he steps on you your screwed

2006-09-23 13:33:48 · 12 answers · asked by loveable_bear3030 2

You may have heard this one or some variation of it. It goes like this:
A man goes into a restaurant & orders a bowl of soup. To his dismay, he finds a mouse in it. So, he calls the waiter over. The waiter takes one look & says...

2006-09-23 13:17:20 · 19 answers · asked by WillyC 5

2006-09-23 12:48:00 · 20 answers · asked by Spinning Times LLC 3

an Amish boy and his father were in a mall. they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. the boy asked his father, what is this, father?'
the father responded, 'son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.' while the boy and his father were watching wide eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving wall and pressed a button. the walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room
the walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights and numbers above the walls light up. they continued to watch as the circles began to light up in the reverse direction. the walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out, smiling seductively. the father turned to his son and said, 'quick...go get your mother.'

2006-09-23 12:32:42 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

X+15=Y
Y-12=Z
Z x X=70
Z+Y+X=W
What is W?

2006-09-23 12:29:28 · 13 answers · asked by blacksheep0685 1

Hot

Feild

Cleopatra

Dance

Chip

Puding


Yarg


Alien

Sumo

Piggy

NASA

thats enough for now. If you answered this question then answer my next one, it will have something awesome to do with this question

2006-09-23 12:22:36 · 19 answers · asked by Leon K. 3

What's the first thing you should tell a woman with coon eyes (two black eyes)?
Return for answer in 15 minutes.

2006-09-23 12:00:12 · 16 answers · asked by blacksheep0685 1

so:

There are 5 girls in a long row in maths.
Each girl has a favourite chocolate bar, colour, pet, hobby, and would like to go on a certain holiday.
All the girls like different things.
Your task is to solve the following clues - "who owns the crocodile"
Jo likes the wispa bite
The person with the hamster likes swimming
Hannah eats dairy milk
Jessica is on the left of Georgina
Lucy is the first on the left
The first person on the right likes swimming
The person who eats Milky Bars owns a horse
The person in the middle eats Dairy Milk
Jessica likes green
The person on the left of the middle wants to go to Tobago
The person who wants to go to the Maldives likes lilac
The person who likes Wispa Bites sits next to the person who wants to go to Florida
The person who likes pink wants to go to Florida
the person who sits first on the left likes lilac
The girl that likes blue owns a puppy
The person who likes skiing sits next to the person who plays

2006-09-23 11:53:57 · 13 answers · asked by vspinkloverlygirl 3

Okay, so:

You're trapped in a room with two doors. One door will lead you to your death and one door will allow you to live a wonderful, amazing life. The only things in the room besides you are two robots. One only tells the truth and one only lies.

The first robot says: "Pick the door on the left, that's the one that will let you live"

The second robot says: "Don't listen to him. He always lies. Pick the door on the right."

So, which door do you choose?

2006-09-23 11:48:55 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

This riddle is an old one, but one I haven't seen around for a long time. It goes like this.

"Enough Already! The English language has so many spelling exceptions that almost anything goes. Boys and girls grow into men and women, learning that the "G" in Goldfish sounds totally different than it does in Giraffe. Why with rules this the letters "Ghoti" could very well spell what common word?"

2006-09-23 11:42:39 · 16 answers · asked by Thinkithtrough 3

2006-09-23 11:38:11 · 6 answers · asked by brenda 2

in the morning when he wakes up he hears at the radio thet 300 people died. What happenned?

2006-09-23 11:37:57 · 23 answers · asked by mariana l 2

lol

2006-09-23 11:29:25 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

George has ordered oysters natural and offers Bill one.
"No thanks," says Bill, "they disagree with me"

AND the oyster says "No we don't".

2006-09-23 11:20:53 · 21 answers · asked by Ted 3

If you stay up long enough, it starts getting early?

2006-09-23 11:08:03 · 9 answers · asked by Spinning Times LLC 3

2006-09-23 10:56:10 · 17 answers · asked by hvdsss 1