Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

The 6 o'clock news comes on with a headline story of a man that is going to commit suicide, so the blonde says to the brunette "I bet you $50 bucks he won't jump" "I'll take that bet" So they turn to the t.v and the guy jumps, "well I guess I owe you $50!" The brunette says "No I can't take your money..." Why not? You won the bet" "Yeah but I saw the news earlier" The blonde says "I did too, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

2006-09-25 19:27:13 · 12 answers · asked by ηєvєrmorє 6

2006-09-25 19:25:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"

2006-09-25 19:22:43 · 16 answers · asked by Pd 6

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.

Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"

Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.

Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."

"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"

Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.

"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.

"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.

"Yes."

"Do farts have lumps?"

"No. Why do you ask."

"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

2006-09-25 19:21:39 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: 2 women in heaven
>
>
>> 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
>> 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
>> 1st woman: I froze to death.
>> 2nd woman: How horrible!
>> 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
>> to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
>> 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
>> was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead,
>> I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
>> 1st woman: So, what happened?
>> 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
>> started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
>> searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
>> and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
>> everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
>> with a heart attack and died.
>> 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
>> alive!

2006-09-25 19:15:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

...his skin is waterproof or sometimes sizzling hot with rage for raindrops to evaporate on their mere contact with his body, but only a handful or say fistful knew he walks through those drops or the rain gives him the way through it just giving up.

Want to win 10 points with more real facts about rain.

None crossed Chuck Norris, including rain.

2006-09-25 19:07:36 · 5 answers · asked by seshu 4

A very foul-mouthed man met the local pastor on the street one day and said, " Now where in hell have I seen you?" To which the pastor replied, " From where in hell do you come, Sir?"

2006-09-25 19:04:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like
expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

2006-09-25 18:43:53 · 7 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His
father
> said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$80,000
> and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
> The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door
with
> a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
> Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and
I
> heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait
> because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around
here
> by myself with an 80,000 mortgage and no transportation".
>

2006-09-25 18:39:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: Die-vorce...

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a
far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 60 mph

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

2006-09-25 18:16:59 · 18 answers · asked by hikaru908 2

Man escapes from prison after 15 yrs,breaks into a house & finds a couple in bed. He makes the guy get out of bed and ties him to a chair.While tying up the wife kisses her neck then goes to the bathroom.
Hubby tells his wifeListen this guy is an escaped convict and is desperate for a woman. Do what ever he wants, don't resist, no matter how it nauseates you.This guy is dangerous & if he gets angry he may kill us. I saw him kiss your neck, he wants sex. Be strong honey, I'll always love you.
The wife replied, "He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too.

2006-09-25 18:05:12 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Timmy went to the front of the class, picked up a piece of chalk and made a dot on the chalkboard then sat back with a smug look and arms crossed. Teacher asked,"What is that"? Timmy answered "a period". Teacher said "whats exciting about that?" Timmy said"heck if I know,but this morning my sister was missing one and Mommy fainted ,Daddy cried and the man next door shot his self."

2006-09-25 17:54:52 · 8 answers · asked by unforgettable_1 3

(True story!!) I was walking past an apartment complex when a piece of paper came fluttering down out of the air. I grabbed it and found that this riddle was written on it :

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?

Two -- one to hold the Diet Coke and one to call Daddy.

I think it's funny!

2006-09-25 17:26:44 · 12 answers · asked by wild_turkey_willie 5

This older couple in their 80's go into a sex therapists office and ask the doc. would you mind watching us have sex. confused the doc. goes alright let's see what you've got. well after the couple gets done the doc says well there is nothing wrong with your sex life you owe me 50 dollars. so for the next couple of weeks the couple was still coming in and asking for the doc to watch them have sex after the 4th time the doc goes i see nothing wrong with your sex life why do you want me to watch you. the old man in the couple smiles and says " she's married we can't go to her house , i am married we cant go to my house, the hotel down the street is 97 dollars and you only charge 50 and i still get 43 back from medicad so it works out for all of us.

2006-09-25 17:26:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The kindergarteners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.' That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,

"Winnie the Sh*t."

2006-09-25 17:25:38 · 25 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

First grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?"

Alice says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." Alice does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box’ correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie, too.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

2006-09-25 17:23:00 · 17 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

2006-09-25 17:22:01 · 20 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-09-25 17:18:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-25 17:01:28 · 10 answers · asked by bconehead 5

Example: your moma so fat shes both sides of the family

2006-09-25 16:55:01 · 18 answers · asked by 1208 Fever 1

11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

12. ELECELLERATION (el a sel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until s/he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

2006-09-25 16:53:14 · 9 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

You could do this to someone, and they could do it to you. You can sit on me, but I can't sit on you. What am I?

2006-09-25 16:52:04 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A week ago I posted the following "Ultimate Multiple Choice Quiz"

Which of these five choices are true?

(a) All of the below
(b) None of the below
(c) One of the above
(d) None of the above
(e) None of the above

Two people answerered a, nobody said b, 2 said c, 3 said d, and 2 said e. One said no choice was true, one gave an answer I don't understand, and one just commented. I left open the possibility that more than one choice might be true, but nobody went there. In the vote for best answer after the question closed, one of the people who said c won, but c isn't the right answer!

If a is true, then a says b is true also, but a and b contradict one another on the truths of c, d, and e, so the supposition is wrong. Thus a is not true.
If b is true, then one of a and b is true and so c is true. But b says c is false. Thus b is not true either.
Since a and b are both false, c is false too.
a, b, and c all false makes d true, and that makes e false.

d is the correct answer.

2006-09-25 16:45:41 · 4 answers · asked by wild_turkey_willie 5

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.

The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds, "Well of course I don't, I'm his aunt!"

2006-09-25 16:42:49 · 10 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

I've been held, I've been shaken.
I've been given, I've been taken.
I can be broken, I can be tied.
I can be folded or by your side.
I can hold whiskey I can hold sand
and I belong to every man. What am I?

2006-09-25 16:35:28 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is broken every time it's spoken?

2006-09-25 16:26:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

anybody ?

2006-09-25 16:22:17 · 8 answers · asked by ihateuserid2 2

A man was to be sentenced, and the judge told him, "You may make a statement. If it is true, I'll sentence you to four years in prison. If it is false, I'll sentence you to six years in prison." After the man made his statement, the judge decided to let him go free. What did the man say?

2006-09-25 16:19:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-25 15:48:17 · 7 answers · asked by Justin W 2

1. spit in someones food
2. passed gas while having sex
3. had a threesome (or foursome)
4. after drinking all night wake up and accidently pee in the closet? (i have)
5. cheated on your b/g friend or spouse.
6. stolen from your place of employment
***Please give details**

2006-09-25 15:45:48 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous