Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Two cowboys wanted to marry a daughter. Her father didn't like either men so he set up a race. He said whoever's horse was LAST could marry her daughter. Before they started the race a wise man took them to his tent. He said four wise words. WHAT WERE HIS WORDS? i got this on the back of a cereal box

2006-09-25 15:37:32 · 27 answers · asked by Ananymos 3

A special person will get 10 points for answering!

Clue: It's not a vehicle.

2006-09-25 15:35:14 · 20 answers · asked by xportuguesax 3

This is as light as a feather, yet no man can hold it for long. What is it?

2006-09-25 15:24:43 · 13 answers · asked by R@chel 2

Romeo and Juliet are found dead on the floor in a bedroom. When they were discovered, there were pieces of glass and some water on the floor. The only furniture in the room is a shelf and a bed. The house in is a remote location, away from everything except for the nearby railway track. What caused the death of Romeo and Juliet?

2006-09-25 15:16:14 · 13 answers · asked by R@chel 2

Im powerful enough to clean most anythingyet gentle enought to eat
Im used to make explosions of sorts yet can be found in millions stores world wide
i can kill grass yet tenderize your meat
I can clean the smelliest stench and softenyour fabrics
What am I????????

2006-09-25 15:09:47 · 18 answers · asked by cutie_pie3461 1

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have
it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

2006-09-25 15:03:03 · 9 answers · asked by ♥Raven 6

Driving on the Interstate this morning, I looked over to my left and
there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was half way over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
D A M N WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!

2006-09-25 14:58:50 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Raven 6

The government announced today that it is changing it's emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.

2006-09-25 14:54:04 · 6 answers · asked by ♥Raven 6

2006-09-25 14:53:31 · 7 answers · asked by enigmahaqer78 1

What goes up when rain goes down?????

2006-09-25 14:36:39 · 8 answers · asked by Smile =]™ 4

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy S h i t! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

2006-09-25 14:35:44 · 7 answers · asked by ♥Raven 6

if we call a fly a fly how come we don't call a fish a swim?

2006-09-25 14:23:35 · 8 answers · asked by Trina 3

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

2006-09-25 14:15:01 · 22 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-09-25 13:57:47 · 14 answers · asked by sweetestrose1983 2

Two friends travel hand in hand...
The red hair destroys,
What black hair creates.

2006-09-25 13:46:56 · 7 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

they want to

2006-09-25 13:45:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

2006-09-25 13:32:18 · 24 answers · asked by Woody 3

because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure

2006-09-25 13:31:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't."

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

2006-09-25 13:26:00 · 12 answers · asked by Woody 3

If the Blues Brothers, Blues Traveler and Blue Oyster Cult made an album together would it be called: The Blue Oyster Brothers Traveling Cult?
Or if The Who, Guess Who, Yes, Them and U2 were to collaberate on an album what would they call it?
And if Brooks & Dunn made an album with Garth Brooks and Holly Dunn would it be called 2 Brooks Overdone?
I wonder about these things- please help?

2006-09-25 13:13:28 · 7 answers · asked by waterboy 1

A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed.

"What's up doc?" he asked nervously.

"Uh, well ... there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon. "I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis."

"What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"

"Oh, I'm sure you *will*, reassured the doctor, "only it'll be somebody else's."

2006-09-25 13:10:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am BORED.

Give me a joke.

Give me any jokes preferred clean but MUST be funny.

ANY Jokes

2006-09-25 13:02:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

I konw tihs inst a rlidde as scuh but I wnas't rlaely srue werhe to put it?

Rpesnseos in the smae sylte peslae...

2006-09-25 12:53:54 · 22 answers · asked by â?¥MissMayâ?¥ 4

Two cats have a swimming race aross the English Channel, one is English, the other French.
The English cat is called "One two three", the French cat is called "Un deux trois".
Which cat wins the race?

The English cat.

Why...?

Because Un deux trois cat sank…....

2006-09-25 12:45:21 · 16 answers · asked by Polo 7

Joe and Tom and the boys in the bar were exchanging old war stories. Joe offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers, he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was awarded a medal that was inscribed with: "For Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion 8."
Tom looked at Joe and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?"
What's wrong with the story?

2006-09-25 12:44:56 · 8 answers · asked by texasdaddy2009 3

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the Box Office. Suddenly he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. The lawyer turns around and says "What the hell do you think you are doing?"
"I'm a Chiropractor and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm standing in line".
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

2006-09-25 12:38:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you turn a dog into a cat?
How do you turn a cat into a dog?

2006-09-25 12:35:08 · 8 answers · asked by leo.soul 2

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients but felt really guilt about it all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming but once in a while he'd hear a reassuring voice inside him say "Dave, you wouldn't be the first doctor to sleep with one of the patients and you won't be the last plus you're single so just let it go.
But invariably there would be the other voice that would bring him back to reality whispering...
"But Dave you're a Vet".

2006-09-25 12:32:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Miss Beatrice,church organist was in her 80's&never married.One afternoon the pastor came to call on her&she showed him into her quaint sitting-room.She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.The bowl was filled with water&in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat.The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water with its strange floater but soon it got the better of him & he could no longer resist:"Miss Beatrice" he said,"I wonder if you would please tell me about this?"pointing to the bowl. "Oh yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?" pointing to the bowl. I was walking through the park a few months ago & I found this little package on the ground.The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet&that it would prevent the spread of disease&do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

2006-09-25 12:24:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a contest, four fruits (an apple, a banana, an orange, and a pear) have been placed in four closed boxes (one fruit per box). People may guess which fruit is in which box. 123 people participate in the contest. When the boxes are opened, it turns out that 43 people have guessed none of the fruits correctly, 39 people have guessed one fruit correctly, and 31 people have guessed two fruits correctly.

The Question: How many people have guessed three fruits correctly, and how many people have guessed four fruits correctly?

2006-09-25 12:15:49 · 12 answers · asked by â?¥MissMayâ?¥ 4