I am BORED.
Give me a joke.
Give me any jokes preferred clean but MUST be funny.
ANY Jokes
2006-09-25 13:02:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Clean Joke
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but,
here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, Is that a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It is neither a
son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash
I have ever put my pecker in.
2006-09-25 13:11:18 · answer #1 · answered by ridingthestorm_out 4 · 1⤊ 4⤋
101 Things Not To Say During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession..
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
2006-09-29 10:59:33 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he
replied
"No dear, Both of them are Daddy
Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that shyt in our garden."
2006-09-25 20:23:00 · answer #3 · answered by yep ive left 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his Dad is reading the paper. "Where does poo come from?" he asks. The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?" "Yes," answers the boy. "Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is poo." The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"
2006-09-26 18:06:42 · answer #4 · answered by rhijoa 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
This is a very silly joke. :P
A grandmother is walking with her grandchild in the mall. The grandchild, a little boy, suddenly announces, "I have to go pee!" The grandmother gasps and says to the boy, "You shouldn't say that. When you need to go to the bathroom you should WHISPER it."
The same night, the little boy woke up in the middle of his sleep. He rushed to his parents' room and shouted to his drowsy father, "Daddy, I need to go whisper! I need to go whisper!" The father, still tired, said, "All right then. Go ahead and whisper right in my ear."
2006-09-25 20:51:02 · answer #5 · answered by lydiaww@sbcglobal.net 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Life is full of emotions like laughing, smiling, crying, weeping, fear, hatred, jealousy and many more. Out of all these, laughing is loved and liked by all. That is why someone has rightly said, “ You laugh and the world will laugh with u, you weep and you shall weep alone.” Sometimes, life becomes monotonous and one starts getting bored. To remove such monotonousness and boredom, I feel that surfing on the following websites can be helpful in making one cheerful, refreshen up and gain some emotional or psychological energy too. Surf on them and see how helpful these are to you to bring a smile on your face.
http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index...
http://www.ahajokes.com/
http://www.the-jokes.com/
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/
http://www.jokesgallery.com/
http://www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm......
http://www.jokes2000.com/
http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/content/jok...
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/...
http://www.kidsjokes.co.uk/
http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_mama_jokes.ht...
http://www.allfunnypages.com/funny-jokes...
http://www.africanjokes.com/africanjokes...
http://www.blonde-jokes.info/
http://www.zelo.com/blonde/index.asp......
http://www.indiabook.com/jokes/entertain...
Please visit the above pages to find different variety of jokes. I hope, it helps you in making you laugh. Enjoy and have fun..
2006-09-26 03:48:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
Bill Gates just died in a terrible accident, as the Angel Michael was pulling his soul from his body to carry him up to heaven Bill asked " I know it's against the rules but may I atleast take one thing with me?" The Angel Michael said "I've got to phone God", a minute later "God said alright because you are Bill Gates!" So Bill looked around the room and grabbed the nearest briefcase he could find. When they arrived at the pearly gates Saint Peter said, "You can't bring that in here, it's against the rules!" The Angel Michael stated, " It's alright Peter, I asked God." Saint Peter said " Bill, I've got to still take a look even if it is alright with God." Saint Peter took one look at the briefcase filled with gold bricks and exclaimed "PAVEMENT, you brought PAVEMENT!"
2006-09-25 20:53:36 · answer #7 · answered by schlepp 2 · 0⤊ 3⤋
two newfies were walking down the road and the came upon a bar.. the sign out side said Lobster tail and beer
One newfie says to the other
My 3 favorite things
lol
2006-09-25 23:08:34 · answer #8 · answered by Blondie 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Mrs Ashley Greene III of historic Tall Oakes Plantation is feeling generous one fall morning. She places a call to the local army base, and asks to speak with a captain. "Captain", she says, after introducing herself, "Do you have a lot of enlisted men on base over the Thanksgiving holiday there in town?"
"Why, yes, ma'am, we do", says the captain politely. "Well", says Mrs. Greene, "Here at the Plantation, it's just my husband and me all by our lonesome, since the kids have all grown and gone. I would like to invite 7 or 8 of your enlisted men who cannot spend Thanksgiving with their families to come have dinner with us".
The captain is speechless for a second. "Ma'am", he says, "That is awfully generous and kind of you. I will certainly pass your message on". "Thank you, sir", says Mrs. Greene. "There's just one thing, and I am sure you will understand. My husband and I- well, we prefer that we don't have any Jews among the men who come over".
"I understand completely", says the captain, again thanking Mrs. Greene for her offer.
Thanksgiving morning arrives, and Mrs. Greene and her maid have prepared a lovely gourmet meal, set on the family china and showing off the full spirit of Southern hospitality at its finest. The doorbell rings, and Mrs. Greene, dressed to the nines for the occasion, rushes to answer it herself. She throws open the door, and exclaims, "Why, you all must the enlisted boys from the base! You all come right on in and make yourselves at..."
She freezes, aghast, when she sees that she is speaking to 8 young Black men in army uniforms. "There must be some mistake", she whispers, after regaining her composure.
One of the young men smiles warmly at her. "Oh, no, ma'am", he says, taking her hand, , "Captain Finkelstein NEVER makes a mistake!"
2006-09-25 21:01:41 · answer #9 · answered by Hauntedfox 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋
umm.....i hav a friend that told me a joke a few years ago but it was in chinese...ill translate:
there were 2 people. one was called stupid and the other was called no-one. they climbed up a mountain and suddenly no-one fell. in suprise, stupid called the police. stupid said to the police
"help, help! no-one fell down the mountain!"
then the police said
"if no-one fell, then why did you call us? are you stupid?"
then stupid said
"yes, i am stupid!"
2006-09-26 06:33:33 · answer #10 · answered by curtis 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋