Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

not that bad. im blond.

2006-08-01 16:01:10 · 16 answers · asked by pirates please 1

What is greater than god, more evil than satan, the rich need it, the poor have it, and if you eat it, you'll die?

2006-08-01 15:58:41 · 18 answers · asked by freebird 1

answer is coming back in a day

2006-08-01 15:57:09 · 8 answers · asked by Viety 2

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare
plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these racist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red
Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said, "Do you have any Maalox?"

2006-08-01 15:47:59 · 11 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

I'm about 6" long. I have hair on one end and a hole on the other. If you put me in a moist hole and put me in and out really fast, white stuff will come out. What am I?

2006-08-01 15:47:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
Coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.

2006-08-01 15:45:26 · 12 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

if you can't guess wright " ÿou're right"

2006-08-01 15:07:14 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-01 14:58:22 · 15 answers · asked by ? 6

(and please don't be offended) what do you call the guy with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob. I'm looking for some of those. Grosser than gross would be cool too. Yeah, taking a walk down memory lane. No, in reality, I want to have some good clean jokes to tell my kids.

2006-08-01 14:56:44 · 18 answers · asked by Mommymonster 7

2006-08-01 14:55:28 · 9 answers · asked by Barker 2

2006-08-01 14:47:11 · 12 answers · asked by Sweet 1

2006-08-01 14:39:45 · 40 answers · asked by Barker 2

2006-08-01 14:37:15 · 32 answers · asked by Barker 2

I'm not in love, but it's more than a felling. Time after time, human behavior can be misunderstood and I don't care anymore. It's my life and this strange magic that light my fire making me a hot child in the city. So, let's take a long walk to the sea. Every time you go away; wish you were here.

2006-08-01 14:30:31 · 6 answers · asked by ♥Saffron♥Daydream♥ 3

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

2006-08-01 14:28:55 · 9 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-08-01 14:20:49 · 16 answers · asked by Kid Pecatonica 4

MURDER IN THE NEWSPAPER

An old man read a report in his morning newspaper about a wealthy woman who had died of old age. "She was murdered!" he gasped. Then he carried on reading the rest of the newspaper. How did he know it was murder and why did he do nothing about it?

THE MAN WHO RETURNED TOO SOON

One bright sunny morning a man left his home. After some time he decided to return home and come back straightaway. When he got home he died. If he had not gone home so quickly he would have lived. What happened?

GOODBYE, MOTHER

A young woman in a restaurant was approached by a tearful old lady who said, "You look so like my own daughterwho passed away last year. Could you do me a favor and say 'Goodbye, Mother' when I leave?"
The young woman happily agreed and said, "Goodbye, Mother" when the old lady left. Later, she got a shock. What was it?

I'll give points for creativity, but if you can get all three, you're a genius.

2006-08-01 14:17:55 · 13 answers · asked by Kevin H 3

you can unscrew a nut

2006-08-01 14:17:22 · 14 answers · asked by Ron W 2

Tell me an interesting factoid about anything.

Ill go first.
Factoid: 1 out of 20 people in the world has an extra rib.
Cool, huh?

Your turn!!!

Interesting Factoid!!

2006-08-01 14:16:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

If u get sick when u are is a ship or boat its calles sea sick
if u get sick in a car its called carsick
so if you get sick on land shouldnt it be called land sick...

2006-08-01 13:49:36 · 15 answers · asked by jakal1425 1

what stands on the ground a hundred feet in the air/

2006-08-01 13:48:33 · 20 answers · asked by that one kid 2

Ok.. If your going to be offended by this I dont care.. Leave now.. feel free to answers.. Like I said you dont have to continue.. but feel free to tell me how you feel......

You those people? Yes those, the ones that bang on your door til you just cant stand it anymore and answer, I know a lot of people have done some crazy wacked out sh*t to get them go away.. What have you done? I know the biggest are the jehovah witnesses and mormons around here!.. So anyways.. if you where to recomend how to make them giddy up outta there quicker then they came.. what would it be?

Please remember this is just a fun question.. dont get serious as far as being offended..

2006-08-01 13:41:52 · 17 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

2006-08-01 13:33:28 · 10 answers · asked by Smegma Stigma 4

2006-08-01 13:30:54 · 6 answers · asked by Smegma Stigma 4

A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."

The friend said, "How flattering."

The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."

2006-08-01 13:16:34 · 14 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-08-01 13:15:08 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

"i am we todd did" sounds like "I am retarded"

2006-08-01 13:10:14 · 4 answers · asked by Andres P 1

none-

2006-08-01 13:06:26 · 11 answers · asked by MARKEYLA V 1

And what is your funniest joke or riddle?



A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and

2006-08-01 13:04:12 · 11 answers · asked by ? 2

which ever one makes me laugh the most then ill reward u 10 points

2006-08-01 12:54:53 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous