Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

riddle 10pnts

2006-08-01 20:07:02 · 14 answers · asked by looneytoon783 1

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to
find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an
ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate
who is loyal, rich and a good lover.

After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens
the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no
arms and no legs.

He says, "I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do
I know you're loyal?"

"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam.
That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own
software company. You can look at my bank
statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands,
"Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

2006-08-01 20:03:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I never see any kids getting out for hours on end???

2006-08-01 19:48:09 · 11 answers · asked by jonzmom1 3

The guy ewho sells stuff out of the trunk of his ElDorado sold them to me. They are tiny, as you would expect, about .5" long. So tiny anf frail it almost looks like those cardboard matchsticks. ANYWAY he gave me certificates of authenticity on them all. My concern is thet Certificates and authenticity were both spelled wrong. They are in pencil so can I change them to correct hte issue?

2006-08-01 19:45:36 · 2 answers · asked by eddie9551 5

Hang on........

2006-08-01 19:44:21 · 2 answers · asked by drewwers 3

Tell me an interesting factoid!!!!!

ILL go first:
Factoid: 1 out of every 20 people has an extra rib.
Cool, huh?!

Your turn!!!

Interesting Factoid!!!!

2006-08-01 19:39:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long service at church, one leaned over and whispered to other, “My butt is going to sleep” “I know” replied her companion “ I heard it snoring thrice”
****************************
After extensive and expensive studies a Mexican scientist just discovered that people with in sufficient brain and sexual activity read the jokes/ riddles in YA with their hands on the mouse.
Don’t bother to remove your hand, it is too late now.

2006-08-01 19:31:37 · 26 answers · asked by Pd 6

Yesterday, we had this following riddle:

How do you know that Lincoln is not guilty?
A: Because he is in-a-cent!

Lol. And now for today's riddle:

Where do lettuces go to get drunk?

Good luck :)

2006-08-01 19:31:18 · 12 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch.

The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.


The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

2006-08-01 19:30:33 · 3 answers · asked by Woody 3

can anyone remember it?

2006-08-01 19:14:19 · 2 answers · asked by Musty 4

2006-08-01 18:46:50 · 8 answers · asked by cassan87 1

2006-08-01 18:31:56 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is it?

2006-08-01 18:23:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Gauteng Metro policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that bcoz he had been wearing his seat belt he had just won cash award, in an Arrive Alive safety competition. Being a Zimbabwean, the driver could hardly believe his luck. "What are you going to do with your cash?" asked the traffic cop.
"Well I guess I'm going to get a drivers licence," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He tries to be smart when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment there was a knock from the boot and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
The cop fainted.

2006-08-01 18:16:37 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get
here?" Her mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for
100 years!
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."

2006-08-01 18:15:32 · 12 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

The judge asks the child "Do you want to live with your father?"

"No, he beats me." the kid answered.

"Do you want to live with your mother?" The judge asks

"No, she beats me." The kid answered.

"Who do you want live with then?"

The kid answers, "Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody."

2006-08-01 18:14:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

see if you can finish this one small part at a time.

2006-08-01 18:07:41 · 7 answers · asked by drewwers 3

INSTRUCTIONS: READ EACH QUESTION CAREFULLY. YOU HAVE 2 HOURS TO ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS. BEGIN IMMEDIATELY

HISTORY: describe the history of the papacy from its origins through to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific
MEDICINE: you have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch whisky. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected
PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2500 riot crazed tribal men are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek
BIOLOGY: create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the American ideal. Prove your thesis
MUSIC: write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat
PSYCHOLOGY: based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustration of each of the following: Alexander of aphrodidis, rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each mans work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate
SOCIOLOGY: estimate the sociological problems, which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory
ENGINEERING: the disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction Manuel, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision
PHYSICS: explain the nature of matter. Include in answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science
PHILOSOPHY: sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any kind of thought
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: describe in detail. Be objective and specific

2006-08-01 17:48:30 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Or is there a better food for someone suffering under the yoke of poverty?
Please don't say catfood, I'd be so lucky to be able to afford that.

2006-08-01 17:38:55 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the day;

Dog for sale: eats anything and is very fond of fugging children!
  
Just because a girl has tattoos or pierced nipples doesn’t make her easy.  
  
Your grandmother was not a cheap whore in a piano bar!  
  
You know how I take your temperature in your butt? Well, uncle Steve was just taking Mommy’s temperature.  
  
Don’t tell your mother that you saw me run over Fluffy. Tell her you saw some Puerto Ricans do it.  
  
Don’t worry little Leon, just because you’re black doesn’t mean you can’t grow up to be president.  
  
And the number one lie told by parents:  

I’m your father! 

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-01 17:22:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I do.

2006-08-01 17:15:40 · 20 answers · asked by Jinx 5

At the college, male & female students were told to individually writea sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Females wrote : When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, then, it is spiritually and morally acceptable to the society that they both engage themselves in the act of physical sex with one another.

Men wrote : 'I love sex

2006-08-01 17:12:08 · 39 answers · asked by Pd 6

The spanish name for Jerry?

2006-08-01 17:06:59 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Eg: Dormitory Drity room:
Now try these --
Desperation
A Decimal Point
Eleven Plus Two
Contradiction
Astronomer

2006-08-01 16:56:55 · 7 answers · asked by coolguy 1

2006-08-01 16:55:56 · 14 answers · asked by Sweet 1

give me your best

2006-08-01 16:43:25 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anyone? Anyone at all?

2006-08-01 16:27:07 · 20 answers · asked by ? 2

Willys cynical thought for the day;

I'm NOT fifty something I'm only $49.95 plus shipping & freaking handling!

Q & A for the sexes:

The 5 toughest questions woman ask:

The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"

2 - "Do you love me?"

3 - "Do I look fat?"

4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to a Sassy Magazine article, the best answer to this question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"

2 - "Do you love me?"

3 - "Do I look fat?"

4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to a Sassy Magazine article, the best answer to this question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love."
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old
clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me
and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let
her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-01 16:26:42 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a flood in a village.

One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"

The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"

"No" replied the man. "God will save me!"

The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.

A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.

"No, God will save me!" he said

Eventually he died by drowning.

He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"

2006-08-01 16:10:09 · 25 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

NO PERVERTS. and no Sexual Jokes. I'm not in the mood

2006-08-01 16:03:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous