What is the funniest joke you ever heard?

Question

none-

Answer 1

There was this preacher who was trying to raise some money for his parish...so on being told told that he could make money by racing horses,he decided to get one, but by the time he reached the auction site, all the horses had been sold out and he had to settle for a donkey instead.

The next time the race was held, lo behold his animal came third & the local newspaper ran the headline:"Preacher's a** shows"...

In the next race it came first, this time the headline was "Preacher's a** out in the front"...

The Bishop was not amused by this kinda publicity, he directed the preacher to get rid of the animal, so the preacher sold it to a Nun in a nearby convent, this time the headline screamed:"Nun has the best a** in town"...

Bishop was very angry and asked the Nun to sell the animal ASAP, so the Nun sold it to a farmer for $10., and this time the headline ran:"Nun sells her a** for $10"...

Bishop fumed & directed the Nun to get the animal back and dispose it off, so she got it back and left it in the jungle, ...and the headline ran:"Nun says her a** is wild n free".....

and the poor Bishop was buried the next day.

Answer 2

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F--K OFF!", the dog ate him!"

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business

Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

Answer 3

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

Answer 4

1. Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the possum that it could be done

2. Why will Cuba never place in the Olypics for a water sport?

All their good swimmers are in the USA.

Answer 5

try this....

One day at school, the teacher sees cuts and bruises all over little johnny's body. Worried, she asks him what happened.

He replies:" Well, my parents are doing renovations in my room and I sleep with them. Last night, I woke and heard my father asking OK? and mom said OK so I asked OK what? So they got real angry and beat me up."

The next day, the teacher sees new cuts and bruises on little johnny's body so she asks him what happened and tells her the same thing. So she tells him not to say anything should the same thing occur tonight.

Next day at school, little johnny comes to class with a head band on his head and crutches with his face all blue and swollen.

When the teacher asks what happened, he says:
" Like you said, last night, when my dad asked OK? and mom said OK, I didn't say anything. After a while, they started moaning and groaning but still, I didn't say a thing until dad asked:
"did you come?" and mom answered
"Yeah, I came" and I said
"where were you?

Answer 6

A man and his brother go into the psychiatrists office. The psychiatrist says, " what can I help you with today?" The man says," my brother thinks he is a chicken and this has been going on for a year." The psychiatrist says, "why didn't you bring him in earlier?" The man says, "because we needed the eggs."

Answer 7

One day while with the other animals, the Zebra finds himself confused. Is he white with black stripes or black with white stripes. So the other animals tell him to ask the wise old owl.
The zebra off on a quest to find out his nationality ran into the wise old owl who instructed him to ask Jesus. So off goes the zebra and when he asks Jesus he is told "My Son, you are what you are." Disappointed he heads home and runs into the wise old owl who asks, "Why the long face?" The Zebra replies "Well wise old owl Jesus only said 'You are what you are', and I don't understand" The wise old owl replies "Well there it is, youre white with black stripes because if you were black with white stripes Jesus would have said "You is what you is"

Answer 8

well theres 2
1-why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
cuz he wuz dead!
2-why did the turkey cross the road?
cuz it wuz the chickens day off!

Answer 9

Two guys walk into a bar.

What do they say?

"Ouch!"


I've probably heard a better one, but I can't think of it.

Answer 10

Anything "Yo Mamma"