Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...
Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face. "Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle.
"Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we'd better run it through again..."

2006-07-20 04:01:28 · 20 answers · asked by meep 1

Hey...I want some websites where I can find "unique" math crossword puzzles, such as the "upside down crossword". Well, I need another one. If only you can give me a cool one, the 10 points is yours.

2006-07-20 04:00:20 · 4 answers · asked by Jed Stephen 3

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, do you hear me?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

2006-07-20 03:59:49 · 14 answers · asked by meep 1

Willys cynical thought for the day;

I'm NOT fifty something I'm only $49.95 plus shipping & freaking handling!

-  Never ask your bike to scream before her throat is good and warm.

-  Sometimes it takes a whole tank full of gas before you can think straight.

-  If you want to get a job, you may have to compromise your principals; you may even have to shave.

-  Riding faster than everyone else only guarantees you'll ride alone.

-  Never hesitate to ride past the last street light at the edge of town.

-  Never mistake Horsepower for staying power.

-  A good rider has balance, judgment, and good timing. So does a good lover.

-  A cold hamburger can be reheated quite nicely by strapping it to an exhaust pipe and riding forty miles.

-  Never do less then Forty miles before breakfast.

-  If you don't ride in the rain-you don't ride.

-  A bike on the road is worth 2 in the shop.

-  Respect the person who has seen the Dark side of motorcycling and lived.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-20 03:58:16 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question. "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. "We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, lust and passion overcame me!" "I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"That's okay," says the husband, "we were banned from Safeway, too."

2006-07-20 03:58:14 · 15 answers · asked by meep 1

Two good friends were out hiking one day. One of the hikers stepped off the trail to take a leak. Suddenly a rattlesnake bit him right where it counts most. He screamed and his friend came running.After a minute of panic, the friend said... "Look you just wait here and rest while I run into town to get some help." His friend ran all the way to town and found the doctor.Doctor: "Hmm.. well, I'm afraid you are going to have to cut the wound lengthwise across the fang marks and then suck all the venom out. Your friend should be just fine then." The town doctor wasn't able to go to the victim because advanced age so the hiker asked him to repeat his instructions several times just to be sure he had them right. He then ran as fast as he could back to his injured friend in the woods.
Injured Hiker: "Did you find the doctor?"
Friend: "Yes, I ran all the way to town and I found the doctor."
Injured Hiker: "Well, what did he say?"
Friend: "He said you're going to die..."

2006-07-20 03:57:23 · 7 answers · asked by meep 1

An evangelical preacher stands before his congregation and claims to have the power from God to heal people's ailments. He asks for two volunteers.

A man raises his hand and says "Mych naaame ish Slarry, I've alsways hach a schpeaking probchlem."

Another man raises his hand and says "My name is Stan, and since I was a young boy, I've been on crutches."

So the preacher tell Larry and Stan to walk up to the alter and stand behind a screen, so that everyone can send their healing energy to the men behind the screen.

Everyone sends their prayers and energy to Stan and Larry. Then the preacher tells Stan to throw his crutches over the screen.

One crutch goes over the screen, followed by the other.

Then the preacher says, "Now, Larry speak to us!!"

And Larry says.....



"Slchtan fell slchdown."


Isn't it funny?

2006-07-20 03:52:22 · 13 answers · asked by O'Faolain 3

2006-07-20 03:42:06 · 23 answers · asked by -mystery- 3

2006-07-20 03:26:35 · 18 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

2006-07-20 03:25:52 · 27 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog

2006-07-20 03:24:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-20 03:20:48 · 13 answers · asked by StupendousMan 5

How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?
Six.
Why?
For God's sake, do you have to keep adking stupid questions all the time? It does just that's all. It just does. Can't you just be satisfied with that? Going on all the blessed time.........

2006-07-20 03:17:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the
groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The
groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The
wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom
leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going
to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself.
This is really going to hurt!

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"


Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy... even these silly
little cute..... and clean jokes.


Sounds to me like she's been
"sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Simple kind rules for Answering

1. If you have seen this before I apologize but the world is a big place. Just move on not everyone else has seen it.

2. If this JOKE offends you I apologize but you did click on the Jokes section.

3. I hate to make my own rules but I am sick and tired of Trolls with no etiquette that ruin it for everyone else who just try to get a smile out of folks. With all the hate and Violence in the world a joke should be a refreshing change even if it is an old one.

4 I can't make you laugh that is up to you!!

2006-07-20 03:13:52 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-20 03:13:27 · 6 answers · asked by Sharkboy 1

nothing. they both start with a ******* and you end up losing your house

2006-07-20 03:07:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

none of them. that's a woman's job.

2006-07-20 03:02:41 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Simply rate my joke out of 5*(asskissers prohibited) and post ONLY ONE of yours...not too tall (or I won't read it) simply the best joke wins...anyways here's mine:

On a beautifull day (cowboy age) an indian child went to talk to his father:
-Father, why are our names so long & complicated?
The father turned to him:
-Well son, it's an ancient indian tradition that when a new baby is born your mother and I would name it after the first view of nature that our eyes see when we get out of the tent,
For example when we had your elder sister, we nammed her "Beatifull shining rainbow next to the sun" because it had stopped raining and we saw a beautifull rainbow when we got out of the tent!
When we had your older brother we nammed him "Lightning shattering the sky and the rain" because it was raining and a lightning struck when we got out of the tent...
You seem a bit upset...is something bothering you "Two dogs $hitting by tent"????

Hope you liked it >:-)

2006-07-20 02:53:37 · 11 answers · asked by Diablous 4

hoy many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb in the kitchen?
who cares? let the b-i-t-c-h cook in the dark

why did the woman cross the road?
more to the point, what was she doin out of the kitchen

why do women have periods?
because they deserve them

what do you do when your washing machine stops working?
slap the b-i-t-c-h until she starts again

the time had come. aliens were going to blow up earth in five minutes. a group of friends were forlornly sharing a meal together, knowing it was the last time they would see each other. the only woman of the group suddenly said, "is there one last chance for me to be a real woman?" one of the guys answered, "sure, honey," and taking off his shirt he said, "iron this"

why do men die before their wives?
they want to

why do men pass ore gas than women?
becasue women wont shut up long enough to build up pressure

what doyou say to a feminist that has no arms or legs?
nice ****

2006-07-20 02:48:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-20 02:28:57 · 14 answers · asked by brandie m 1

2006-07-20 02:11:06 · 12 answers · asked by playful 3

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he
hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a
clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look,
you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his
clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit jacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I
don't want them!"

Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears
a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man
by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you
understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these
to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:



(It's a beauty)










(wait for it)






(Get your best Chinese accent ready)








"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

2006-07-20 02:08:28 · 41 answers · asked by Je♥n 5

M E R T T P U

2006-07-20 02:00:59 · 25 answers · asked by miracles 1

2006-07-20 01:59:05 · 26 answers · asked by Satheesh 2

I will give you a hint. This term is used somewhere.

2006-07-20 01:43:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points if u figure it out.......


I'm long and hard...... My shaft Goes in and out of u'r mouth..... FASTER and Faster And Faster...... Until u'r mouth is full of some white stuff...... Then U spit it all out.... and u'r happy...... what am i..?

2006-07-20 01:36:22 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two hedgehogs are walking and one said:
-You see that blond chick by the house, I had her last night.
Other hedgehog start laughing and said:
-You are an idiot, that's scrubbing brush.

What do you say? Is it good one?

2006-07-20 01:29:00 · 8 answers · asked by Sasha 2

2006-07-20 01:21:14 · 27 answers · asked by stephsgoat 2

2006-07-20 01:19:55 · 8 answers · asked by phillipgdmn 3

flap my ears like an Elephant ??

2006-07-20 01:03:51 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous