Know any funny jokes? make me laugh?

Answer 1

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer & food

Answer 2

blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing 9-1-1, his 4-year old son comes up and says; "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your clothes closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You IDIOT!!!" screams the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids...

Answer 3

Husband & wife Joke

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,**

**HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.**

**HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.**

**FINE,**

**THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT**

**TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO**

**FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.**

**I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!**

**SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS....................................**

**HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME**

**AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.**

**AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.**

**AS HE GOE! S TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.**

**HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.**

**JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.**

**HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.**

**HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?**

**SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO...
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!** *
__________________________________________

NUN and PRIEST



nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a
camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped
dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest
surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence,
the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that
we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely
to make it out of here alive, would you do something for
me?" "Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's br*asts and I was wondering
if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I
don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight
of her shapely br*asts, commenting frequently on! their
beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them? She consented
and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?""I
have never seen a man's p*nis . Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting
his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and
after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge
er*ction.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my p* nis in the right
place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and
let's get the hell out of here."

Answer 4

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

Answer 5

Here's some 4 ya,

- What kind of cheese isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
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- What do you call a smelly teletubby?
Stinky Winky!
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- Why did the witch put a watch at the end of her broom stick?
Cuz she wanted time to fly.
------------------------------...
- Doctor, Doctor !! My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me.
Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it!
------------------------------...
- Why did the duck try to cross the road?

to show his girlfriend he had guts
------------------------------...
- the 7 dwarfs were in the tub feeling happy so happy got up and left!
------------------------------...
- Man comes into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is in bed with cold cream on and wearing curlers. "Honey," the man announces, "this is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache."

The wife looks annoyed and says, "You old fool! That's a sheep."

The man replies, "You old fool! I wasn't talking to you!"
------------------------------...
- A marine and a soldier were driving down the same road, both talking on a phone. They got into a terrible crash, and there cars were totaled, but none of them got hurt. The marine produced a bottle of alcohol and said:"Well, we're both to blame and we're okay, so why don't we drink this bottle of wine and bury the hatchet?" The soldier said okay, so the marine gave him the bottle and he drank half of it and offered it to the marine. The marine said:" I'll wait for the cops to show up first."
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Yo Mamma is so fat when she walked past the t.v. I missed two seasons of Making The Band.
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Yo Mamma is so ugly one day she was walkign down the street and tripped and I don't mean to laugh but the ground was cracking up.
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Yo Mamma is so ugly she was walking down the street with a pig in her hands and a man stopped her and said "Where did you get her at ? " And the pig said, "I won her in a raffle.
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Yo Mamma is so poor I went to her front door a looked down and the WELCOME mat said WELL?
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Yo Mamma's teeth are so yellow when she smiled everyone slowed down.
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Yo Mamma is so ugly when she walked into the kitchen the rats got up on the chairs and started screaming not her.
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Yo Mamma is so dirty she drank a glass of water and coffe came out.
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Yo Mamma is so smart she picked me as best answer!
COP!!!!!!!!!

Answer 6

the pope is doing a crossword puzzle and he is stuck on a word so he turns to his counsler and asks "what is a type of woman that ends in UNT" the counsler turns to him and says what about aunt pope turns back at the counsler and says oops do you have an eraser.

Answer 7

why did the 13yr old mexican girl get pregnant?

her teacher told her to go do an essay lmao"carlos mencia" watch it sometime sundays on comedy central at 10:30 eastern time

Answer 8

okay i have a crazy idea, why don't you go to search and see how many times people post jokes for other people, omg to finish this crazy idea, how about you read what they have to say. omg isn't that crazy! admit it you just want more mail in your inbox, i don't blame ya. check ya later ♥

Answer 9

Did you hear about the gay midget?

He came out of the cupboard.

Answer 10

hey im fed up of answerig these type of qustions......no more jokes pending