Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

Say the following number aloud!
Do it fast!
3
33
333
3333
33333
333333
3333333











Fast! Choose a color and a tool!











Thought of one of each? Don't change the original!










...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
You answered: red and hammer

2006-07-05 21:21:50 · 26 answers · asked by perfect_demise 2

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to

perform. He goes to his doctor and his doctor tries a few things

but nothing works. Finally, the doctor says to him "This is all in your

mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits the shrink

confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured" and

refers him to a witch doctor.



The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a

flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor

says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!

All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"



The guy asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"


The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1-2-3-4'

and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for a year!"



The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with

the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1-2-3" and

suddenly he gets an erection.


His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

2006-07-05 21:21:16 · 12 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Whats the difference between a condom and cofffin?

answer:

They both have stiffs in them, except ones coming and ones going.

2006-07-05 21:00:11 · 6 answers · asked by tat6504 2

A man works in sperm donation centre, walks straight to the reception desk and the lady at the desk says to him: "thank you for coming".

==================

An old married couple making love, they both sound tired and the husband says: 'Are you there yet? cos I think I'm coming>'

2006-07-05 20:56:46 · 18 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

knock knock!
whos there?
little boy blue!
little boy blew who?
micheal jackson!

2006-07-05 20:54:46 · 17 answers · asked by perfect_demise 2

2006-07-05 20:34:47 · 12 answers · asked by Cha 3

"X" is my father's sister's only brother's wife's daughter's only aunt's father's son. How is "X" related to me?




simple??..when you finish why not answer my other questions too! =D

http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AlmRQ0jGJyW38eVYGUfpiQDg5gt.?qid=20060706001213AAxQe46

http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkN07GnFlLEAa83WtOfk9wrg5gt.?qid=20060706000129AAvtxwT

2006-07-05 20:33:49 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night!

2)A technology firm was looking for a new computer repair guy. An applicant’s resume said he was a Boy Scout leader for 10 years. The boss asked the applicant, “What makes you qualified as a computer repair guy?”

The former Boy Scout leader said, “Well, I have a lot of hands-on experience.”

3)Q: Why was the suicide bomber disappointed when he met his 72 virgins?

A: He blew off his penis

4)One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

Q: What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros!

2006-07-05 20:31:08 · 11 answers · asked by POWER-FULL 2

a long time ago....there was this french man who was drinking at an old bar....as he finished his drink, the bartender asks, "Would you like one more drink?"....the french man replies, "I don't think s....." and then instantly disappeared into thin air before finishing his sentence...

who was this french man and how did he disappear?

first to get the right answer wins.....good luck!

2006-07-05 20:28:41 · 14 answers · asked by tat6504 2

Some are lying
Some are standing
Some are trying
Some are testing

Some are good
Some are not
Some are kind
Some are hot

Some are here
Some are there
Some give fear
Some give care

Some are highs
Some are lows
Some are sighs
Some are shows

Some are love
Some are hate
Some are said
Some are fate


WHAT ARE THEY

2006-07-05 20:22:08 · 19 answers · asked by itsa o 6

*riddle*...

2006-07-05 20:08:39 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's black and white and red all over?

2006-07-05 20:03:13 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Sarah has 5 pairs of white socks and 5 pairs of black socks in her drawer (all unrolled). She needs to get a pair, however she has no light in her room. How many socks must she pick up in order be certain that she has a pair?

2006-07-05 19:54:32 · 18 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

2006-07-05 19:49:35 · 6 answers · asked by joe j 1

2006-07-05 19:44:10 · 11 answers · asked by -curbside- 4

Previously, we saw this riddle:

What do you call a pastor in Germany?
A: a german shepherd

Lol... of course! heheh... And today's riddle:

Why couldn't anyone understand jokes about airplanes?

hehe.. good luck!

2006-07-05 19:28:41 · 17 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

add one letter and it remains the same. add another and still remains the same. add a third and it's continues to be the same....

2006-07-05 19:28:35 · 11 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

What is filld every morning and emptied everi night, except once a year when it is filld at night and emptied in the morning?

2006-07-05 19:23:19 · 16 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Here's a riddle.

A man leaves home running. He turns left and runs some more, turns left yet again and keeps running. He turns left one more time and runs as fast as he can. He gets back home and finds two masked men waiting for him!!!!

who are the men?

2006-07-05 19:21:35 · 11 answers · asked by SarahJane 3

im in a sad mood...tell me a rele funny joke

2006-07-05 19:18:00 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Conversation over dinner:

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: S h i t.

hehe ♥

2006-07-05 19:14:29 · 17 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

2006-07-05 19:13:51 · 12 answers · asked by Me 6

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."

"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'


♥

2006-07-05 19:04:16 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-07-05 19:03:37 · 11 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

2006-07-05 19:02:42 · 17 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.- Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?
- Sigmund Freud
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henry Youngman
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
- David Bissonette

2006-07-05 19:01:26 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop
taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."


haha i love this one

2006-07-05 19:01:15 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-07-05 18:58:49 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here’s what I think are a rather amusing collection of mixed metaphors along with a few malaprops for good measure. I’ve been collecting them for years and these are my favorites. I hope they provide a few laughs for you.




We could stand here and talk until the cows turn blue.



You could have knocked me over with a fender.



He was watching me like I was a hawk.



I’ll get it by hook or ladder.



He’s a wolf in cheap clothing.



They’re diabolically opposed.



He received a decease and desist order.



I wouldn’t eat that with a ten-foot pole.



Take a flying hike.



I shot the wind out of his saddle.



He’s not the one with his *** in a noose.



A loose tongue spoils the broth.



It’s all moth-eared.



I can read him like the back of my book.



From now on, I’m watching everything you do with a fine-tuned comb.



It’s as easy as falling off a piece of cake.



He’s like a duck out of water.



These hemorrhoids are a real pain in the neck.



It’s time to grab the bull by the tail and look him in the eye.



I wouldn’t be caught dead there with a ten-foot pole.



I hope he gets his curve ball straightened out.



It’s time to step up to the plate and lay your cards on the table.



He’s burning the midnight oil from both ends.



You can’t change the spots on an old dog.



It sticks out like a sore throat.



It’s like looking for a needle in a hayride.



People are dying like hotcakes.



He’s a little green behind the ears.



You can’t go in there cold turkey with egg on your face.



We have to get all our ducks on the same page.



The fan is gonna hit the roof.



I have a lot of black sheep in my closet.



I'm sweating like a bullet.



And my all-time favorite:



She’s suffering from a detached rectum.

2006-07-05 18:50:13 · 3 answers · asked by . 3

God help those who help themselves


heree are a couple of other misprints

Here is a small collection of some mangled and funny misprints, all due to the omission or substitution of a letter.

God help those who help themselves

Please Don’t feel the animals

Frankie and Johnnie were movers

I hate to see a grown man dry

A fool and his Monet are soon parted

Laughter on Tenth Avenue

We have nothing to wear but fear itself

Mary had a little limb

Toe Shoes of the Fisherman

Ruth is stranger than fiction

I’ve got you under my ski

Wish you were her

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bus

Small apartment for runt

2006-07-05 18:40:58 · 15 answers · asked by . 3