im in a sad mood...tell me a rele funny joke
2006-07-05 19:18:00 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
God and the Harley Davidson Inventor
Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
2006-07-06 19:43:36 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush, a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.
As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and, with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.
For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant.
The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.
Probably not the same elephant then.
2006-07-05 19:21:45 · answer #2 · answered by lil_angel64 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could
produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as
his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three
stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his
breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck
and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get
married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and
pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the
Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that
you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of
the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not
that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to
marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was
born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified:
the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly
tell... pregnant when you met her."
2006-07-14 06:45:18 · answer #3 · answered by l33na01 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
okay, so there's this high security 4 story building. on the 1st story, there's a guy who's gonna graduate from college soon. on the 2nd story, there's a couple who r getting married soon. on the 3rd story, there lives a blind man.
on the 4th, story is a middle-aged woman (around 40). so one day, she is taking a nice, long bath after a hard day at work. she's onlybeen in for a minute or 2, and she hears the dorrbell ring. so she puts on a toeal and goes 2 answer the door. it's the guy from the 1st story saying that he just graduated. so the woman goes back 2 her bath. just as she starts relaxing again, she hears the doorbell ring again. she mutters a bit under her breath, puts on a towel, and answers the door. it's the couple, saying that they just got married. the woman gives a few words og congrats and goes back 2 her bath. about 5 min. later, she hears the doorbell ring. she knows it must b the blind man, because no one can get in without all the residents being notified. so she doesn't put on a towel and goes 2 answer the door. the blind man declares "I got my vision back!"..............
2006-07-13 03:46:51 · answer #4 · answered by waffle_viv06 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why do they put braile dots on drive through ATM
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways
Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the volume down on the radio
What's another word for thesaurus
If olive oil comes from olives and corn oil comes form corn...where does baby oil come from
Is it possible to be totally partial
Why don't you ever see the headlines, Psychic Wins Lottery
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food
Why do they sterilize the needle for leathal injections
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress
Why is it that lemon juice is made with artificial flavouring, but dish-soap is made with real lemons
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Can you cry under water?
How is it that we put men on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you "in" a movie, but you're "on" TV?
Since bread is square, then why is most sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Why do we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up 10 times every hour?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Do cows have calf muscles?
If a funeral procession happens at night, should people drive with their lights off?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only get one?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
Would a part-time bandleader be considered a semi-conductor?
why we say Shipment when it comes through road and "Car Go" when somethig comes in ships
2006-07-05 19:21:54 · answer #5 · answered by -curbside- 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a funny story and true. My friend and I were always making midnight desserts that my mother would review in the morning.
One night, we made German chocolate muffins, but they wouldn't come out of the muffin tin after we cooked them, so we had to dig them out. By then they didn't look too great so we mashed them together into a cake shape and iced them with the German chocolate icing.
When we looked at this cake, my friend became so hysterical with laughter, she fell on the floor and we couldn't stop laughing for a solid hour.
Next day, my mom said, "What is this?... muffins that didn't work?"
You had to be there, believe me.
2006-07-17 21:23:59 · answer #6 · answered by a_phantoms_rose 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror!
2006-07-16 02:20:00 · answer #7 · answered by dkny 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK here's a pretty funny joke...
So a burglar is breaking into this house when all of a sudden he hears a little voice say "Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you", he turns around and sees no one so continues with what he was doing.He starts to put some jewelry in his bag and again he hears "Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you", so he turns around again and this time looks really good at the empty house. Well he then sees this parrot so he walks over to the parrot and says,"Why hello there.Aren't you smart.What's your name?"And the parrot replies"Gunther..."
Then the burglar says"Gunther?!Who the hell would name a parrot Gunther?" The parrot replied to this...
"The same guy who named that Rottweiler over there Jesus!!"
*~*The End*~*
hope you liked it.
2006-07-05 20:24:35 · answer #8 · answered by ♥lizzy. 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A man goes to the grocery store for cat food, but the clerk won't sell it to him unless he can show proof that he has a cat.
So, the man brings his cat to the store and takes the cat food home.
The next day, he goes to the store to buy dog food, but the clerk won't sell it to him unless he has proof that he really has a dog.
So, the man brings in his dog and takes the food home.
A week later, he goes to buy baby food. Once more, the clerk won't let him buy it without proof that he has a baby.
So, he brings his baby to the store and takes the baby food home.
The next time the man came to the store, he was prepared. He went straight to the clerk and handed him a paper sack. The clerk looked inside and backed away quickly.
The paper sack was filled with crap!
The man looked blankly at the clerk and said, "This time I need toilet paper."
2006-07-18 09:46:19 · answer #9 · answered by MyBestFriendIsMuslim.....So? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Grandma Goes to Court
==================
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
Defense! Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a B****!
2006-07-15 00:46:01 · answer #10 · answered by viper4in 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋