please I need to laugh, tell me good jokes? please?

Answer 1

ANGER MANAGEMENT 101

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a_s_s_hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a_s_s_hole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a_s_s_hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a_s_s_hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for... I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot.

The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a_s_s_hole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a_s_s_hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?", I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a_s_s_hole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a_s_s_holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a_s_s_hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen..."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a_s_s_hole."

Then I called A_s_s_hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a_s_s_hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a_s_s," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a_s_s_hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two a_s_s_holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better -

This is "Anger Management" at its very best.

Answer 2

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
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A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
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"The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."
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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
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PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defective Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW - World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
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Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a *******. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."

Answer 3

3 men get lost in a forest, and after hours of aimless wandering, they came to a secluded farmstead. Seeing salvation, they beat on the door to the house beside the barn, and a fat old man answers the door.

" What do ya want? " He asks.

" Excuse me sir, but we need a place to stay and a phone cause we're lost. " The first man asks.

" Alright boy. Who do you wanna sleep with, the pigs, the cows, or my 18 beautiful daughters? " Asks the old man.

" The daughters of course. " Replies the first man.

" Alright you sleep with the cows. " Replies the old man.

The second man then steps up to the old farm hand.

"Alright boy, where do you wanna sleep? " The old man asks the second man.

" I'll sleep with the pigs sir. " The second man asks, hoping that the farmer would pity him and let him sleep with the daughters.

" Pigs it is boy. " The old man replies, a smile on his face.

So finally, the third man comes up.

" And how bout you fella. The pigs, cows, or my 18 beautiful daughters? " asks the old man.

" I really don't care sir. I'm so tired, any of the three would do. "

The old man, pleased by the honour of the 3rd man, that he would not request to sleep with the daughters, or try to trick him into granting them, allowed the 3rd man to sleep in the room of his 18 beautiful daughters.

The next day, in the morning, all the men roused from their slumber.

"Ahhhh, I feel like a cow. " The first man remarked.

"Ahhh, I feel like a pig. " The second man remarked.

" Ahhhh, I feel like a golfball. " The third man remarked.

lol

Answer 4

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

Answer 5

Star Jones wedding

Answer 6

there were 3 men that get lost on a island one was french one was english and one was a new yorker
the canabales that lived on the island confronted them they said

we have good news and bad news the good news is you can choose how you die the bad news is that we will rip your intestines from your body eat them then use your skin for canoes

the french guy asked for a sword they gave him a sword

he cried viva la france and stabed himself

the english guy asked for a gun they gave him a gun and he shouted god save the queen and blew his head off

the new york asked for a fork after some confusion they gave him a fork he continuosly stabed himself and peirced his skin till he died of bleeding befor he died he shouted so much for your stupid conoes

a dislesic guy walkes into a bra


a asian emo is so sad that he wants to kill himself
so he starts driving a car

Answer 7

Okay. This is really funny. tell this to a guy and he'll freak. Have him say "I am a man" after every sentence.

You date a pretty girl, "I am a man"

You hold her hand "I am a man"

You take her to the movies "I am a man"

You take her home and sleep with her "I am a man"

She turns to you and say sorry "I am a man."

Answer 8

Our shortstop's having such a terrible season, he tried to kill himself the other day by jumping in front of a bus, but it went right through his legs..... cheers!

Answer 9

Two women were having coffee, when one asked her friend, What does your ***-hole do when you have an orgasm? The friend was shocked, so she asked her to repeat it.
What does your ***-hole do when you have an orgasm?
The friend said, " I don't know, he's probably down the pub with his mates ".

Answer 10

log to santabanta.com.u will enjoy it