Jokes & Riddles - June 2006

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breathand lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a verygood reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

2006-06-25 17:27:36 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man traveling by plane and in urgent
need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom
door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess,
aware of his predicament suggested that
he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were
marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make
in disregarding the importance of what a
woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button
marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it
made!". Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of
warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he
couldn't resist the last button marked
"ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he
panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes,
you were having a great time until you
pressed the "ATR" button which stands for
Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"

2006-06-25 17:26:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are 2 ducks in front of 2 other ducks.There are 2 ducks behind 2 other ducks.There are 2 ducks beside 2 other ducks.How many ducks are there?

2006-06-25 17:23:59 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 guy's go on an expedition up north to Alaska. While there, the 3 start drinking Yukon jack. One of the guys gets drunk and passes out. The other 2 decide to build an Igloo over him. Just before they seal him in, they throw in a table, a saw and a mirror. How did the drunk guy get out? This answer requires some thinking and he does not use these items in the way one would think. Good Luck!

2006-06-25 17:03:03 · 10 answers · asked by Trisha 3

2006-06-25 16:48:50 · 10 answers · asked by quantum.field 2

does n e 1 have jokes.

2006-06-25 16:38:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

what's the simple difference n similarity btween a plaintiff (person who sue another person in court) n a defendant (person whom the plaintiff sue)?

2006-06-25 16:33:13 · 8 answers · asked by atticus 3

Letter home from school...

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o
if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to
hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

A week later..... a letter from "home"

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

2006-06-25 16:22:27 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

1. but everybody looks funny naked
2. you woke me up for that?
3. try breathing through your nose
4. is that a medic-alert pendant?
5. but whipped cream makes me break out
6. on 2nd though, lets turn of the lights
7. i thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
8. i want a baby!
9. what is that?
10. maybe we should call dr. ruth
11. did you now the ceiling needs painting?
12. i think you have it on backwords
13. oops! did i remember to take my pill?
14. i told you it wouldnt work without battereis
15. did i tell you my aunt martha died in this bed?
16. no, really... i do this part better myself
17. perhaps your just out of practise
18. you remind me of my cousin
19. i have a confession......
20. i really hate people who actually think sex means something
21. did you come yet, dear?
22. ill tell you who im fantasizing about if you tell me who you are fantasizing about...
23. when would you like to meet my parents?
24. long kisses clog my sinuses...

2006-06-25 15:51:38 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im not racist, but some of these are pretty funny.

How do u stop a black guy from drowning?
Get ur foot off his head.

How do u stop a black guy from choking?
Cut the rope.

Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?
a pizza doesnt scream in the oven.

Whats the difference between a pizza and a black guy?
a pizza can feed a family of four

2006-06-25 15:49:47 · 26 answers · asked by southern_steven 2

read this...............
one day a senior from h.s. brought his gf over for the night. he had to share a room with his 10 yr old brother--- they were planning having sum that night. but since the brother was sleeping in the lower bunk of the bed they had to come up with a code so the guy told his gf that every time she want his "thing" to go in to say lettuce and we she wanted it out to say tomato..so it went lettuce, tomato,lettuce, tomato,lettuce, tomato,lettuce, tomato, untill the brother woke up and said stop making sandwiches youre getting mayonase all over my face... lol

2006-06-25 15:43:10 · 14 answers · asked by ♥SarahLuvsYoohFoo♥ 2

policemen had been working 4 months on a murder case an had just beeen given a valuable lead. the suspect was known as alan shagbreak. sheriff wagner drove around to the suspects place of employement and said to the women at the reception, "have you got a shagbreak here?" she scoffed, "you have got to be kidding. the boss is so cheap we dont even get a coffe break."

2006-06-25 15:32:48 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-25 15:27:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-25 15:22:01 · 14 answers · asked by ruben c 1

2006-06-25 15:18:53 · 14 answers · asked by onetomgreenshowfan 3

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

2006-06-25 15:16:14 · 7 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Was it you???

2006-06-25 15:11:52 · 28 answers · asked by ladysodivine 6

1. you might be a redneck if you think the stockmarket has a fence
2. you might be redneck if youve been involved in a custody battle over a hunting dog
3. you might be redneck if your grandpa died and left everything to his widow. problem is she cant touch a thing till she's 14
4. you might be a redneck if your pickup lines start with "nice tooth, baby!"
5. you might be a redneck if you think the last 4 words of the national anthem are: "gentlemen, start your engines"
6. you might be a redneck if 5th grade was the best 6 years of your life
7. you might be a redneck if 1 of your kids was born on a pool table
8. you might be a redneck if the figurenes on top of your wedding cake were wearing overalls
9. you might be a redneck if your favorite restaurant has a sawdust floor
10. you might be a redneck if youve ever burped and killed a fly
11. you might be a redneck if there were dogs in the church on your weddding day

2006-06-25 15:07:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this guy who couldnt get a hard-on, so the doctor gave him a bottle of viagra and said "take one pill a day."
So the guy took one pill that day, but it didnt work.
so he took 2 pills the next day and it still didnt work.
He took 3 pills the third day and it STILL didnt work.
So he decided to take the whole bottle.

A few weeks later, the doctor came by their house and the guy's son answered the door. "How is your dad?" the doctor asked. "Well," said the little boy "My mom's dead, my sister's pregnate, my butt hurts, and my dad keeps calling 'Here KITTY KITTY!"




whether thats funny or not... leave feedback

2006-06-25 14:42:48 · 17 answers · asked by Emazing 2

This is the world of black friar's church. WHat else is in this world

2006-06-25 14:33:31 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-25 14:25:21 · 11 answers · asked by angelofdreams 2

2006-06-25 14:18:50 · 18 answers · asked by nothing special 3

A teacher ask the kids make a sentence with the words Green white and yellow a little mexican boy raises his hand and said, "Green, Green, yellow yellow white you want white you want

2006-06-25 14:18:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-25 14:05:55 · 13 answers · asked by HuniBuniBee 3

2006-06-25 14:01:10 · 9 answers · asked by GOKU VS. VEGETA 1

A circus performer exclaims in frustration, "I don't give a flying .........". Only those who give me the word I'm looking for and who spell it right are in the running for points!

2006-06-25 13:54:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

First one with the correct ans-instant 10 points

2006-06-25 13:38:03 · 7 answers · asked by tara t 5

There was this guy staring his first day of employment at the local adult store.
The manager gets him all trained and then says he has to run some errand's and will have to leave him alone for awhile.
The first customer that comes in say's
"How much for that white dildo"
"that dildo is twenty dollars Ms."
"Great I'll take it"
The next customer that comes in say's
"How much for that black dildo"
"That dildo is thirty dollars Ms."
"Great I'll take it"
The next customer that comes in say's
"How much for that plaid dildo"
"that dildo is sixty dollars Ms."
"Great I'll take it"
When the manager returns he say's
"Well how'd you do"
"good" He say's
"I sold a white dildo for twenty bucks"
"Then I sold a black dildo fo thiry bucks"
"Then I sold my Thermos for sixty bucks"

2006-06-25 13:31:36 · 8 answers · asked by ? 6

I couldn't believe it when I heard the news. Arthur Hokey, the man who wrote the world-famous "Hokey Pokey" died peacefully in his sleep last night. The funeral was this morning, and it lasted for over 3 hours. It took so long because they put his right foot in, then they took his right foot out, they put his left foot in, they took his left foot out....

2006-06-25 13:15:07 · 22 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

1. How com l8ly everyone wants to see Jesus or Mary in some kind of thing...a door... waffles...
2. Why can't i grow a tail..ive been trying for 14 yrs..
3. Wouldn't it be funny if bush (president) findds out on and episode of Montell or Jerry Springer that he is Osama's Cousin...
4. Would you eat a cheese burger donut.
5. would you eat a pinaple banana...WTF..Lol
6. what noise do yout think micheal jackson makes in bed..WTF???
7. who here still loves the skinny janet jackson boobs...thier so lovable...
8. What is there but is not there and is this possible...
9. if you could kill one thing n bring them back alive what would it be....
10... keep waisting ur time with my questions....k..lol
OBTW people who hace answered my previous questions i have now became more organized with my questions...lol... KEEP WAISTING UR TIME

2006-06-25 13:14:47 · 6 answers · asked by Fritz J 3