Can you give me some funny quotes?

Answer 1

Welcome to Loser-ville population: YOU!!!

Answer 2

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. ~e. e. cummings

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. ~Sam Levenson

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. ~Unknown

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. ~Jack Benny

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. ~Gracie Allen

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. ~George Burns

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. ~Bob Hope

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. ~Dick Cavett

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. ~Dave Barry

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. ~Rodney Dangerfield

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work.
~Gallagher

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. ~Mel Brooks

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. ~Mel Brooks

I'm a man of the world, Andy. Why, I've even been to Raleigh!
Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts on the Andy Griffith Show)

The difference between man and animals is that we don't use our tongue to clean our genitals. ~Rimmer - Red Dwarf

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. ~David Brenner

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling ~Unknown

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost. ~Mort Sahl

Life is a game, whoever has the most money at the end wins
Danny Devito

Answer 3

If you don't know where you're going, chances are you will end up somewhere else.

I really didn't say everything I said.

If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

It ain't the heat; it's the humility.

It's deja-vu all over again.

You should always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won't come to yours.

The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands.

You can't think and hit at the same time.

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.

If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

90% of the game is half mental.

It's never happened in the World Series history - and it hasn't happened since.

I'm as red as a sheet.

It's not too far, it just seems like it is.

If you don't set goals, you can't regret not reaching them.

Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting.

We were overwhelming underdogs.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

You mean now? (When asked for the time.)

We have a good time together, even when we're not together.

Little League baseball is a good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets and the kids out of the house.

The future ain't what it used to be.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Pair up in threes.

Don't get me right, I'm just asking.

I wish I had an answer to that, because I'm tired of answering that question.

You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left.

90% of short putts don't go in.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself. (After being told he looked cool.)

We're lost, but we're making great time!

If people don't want to come to the ball park, how are you going to stop them?

How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name. (Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "Bearer".)

I'd say he's done more than that. (When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.)

He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light. (On the acquisition of Rickey Henderson.)

I knew exactly where it was, I just couldn't find it.

If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces. I'm not hungry enough to eat eight.

I don't know, I'm not in shape yet. (When asked what size cap he wanted.)

I want to thank you for making this day necessary. (On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in 1947.)

I don't remember leaving, so I guess we didn't go.

I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it. (When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.)

I usually take a two hour nap, from one to four.

Steve McQueen looks good in this movie. He must have made it before he died.

It gets late early out there. (Referring to the sun conditions in left field at the stadium.)

It was hard to have a conversation with anyone - there were too many people talking.

I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.

Texas has a lot of electrical votes. (During an election campaign - after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.)

You can observe a lot just by watching.

No, you didn't wake me up. I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.

I really liked it. Even the music was good. (When asked if he liked the opera one evening.)

Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.

Shut up and talk.

Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" To this, Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

Carmen said "I took Tim to see Doctor Zhivago today." Yogi replied, "What the hell's wrong with him now

Answer 4

"There was never a good war, or a bad peace." - Benjamin Franklin

"Houston, we have a problem." - APOLLO 13 (1995)

"It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am." - Muhammad Ali

"It is not enough to have a good mind; the main thing is to use it well." - Rene Descartes

"You can't handle the truth!" - A FEW GOOD MEN (1992)

"In order to be walked on, you have to be lying down." - Brian Weir

"I have seen war...I hate war." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"You talking to me?" - TAXI DRIVER (1976)

"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education." - Mark Twain

"The one duty we owe to history is to rewrite it." - Oscar Wilde

"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window." - Steve Wozniak

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

"I never made a mistake in grammar but one in my life and as soon as I done it I seen it." - Carl Sandburg

"I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better." - A. J. Liebling

"He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news." - Bertolt Brecht

"I make no secret of the fact that I would rather lie on a sofa than sweep beneath it. But you have to be efficient if you're going to be lazy." - Shirley Conran

"They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce." - Mark Twain

"Say "hello" to my little friend!" - SCARFACE (1983)

"One death is a tragedy, a million deaths a statistic." - Joseph Stalin

"Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?" - Steven Wright

Answer 5

"Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underpants."
-Sixteen Candles

Answer 6

''dont hate me cuz you hate me hate me cuz you aint me''!!

it hurts to look this good! ouch!!

i love it when i get what i want!!

i get what i want wen i want and if i dont its gonna be a problem!!

V.I.P: very important princess!!

these are not funny but its my quotes!!

Answer 7

if life turns her back on u then spread you hand and touch her butt!

roses r red diamonds r blue ... i fight any mother fker who fcks with you :)

Answer 8

"Force shits on reason's back." Ben Franklin

Answer 9

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friends nose.

Answer 10

"its like deja vue all over again" yogi berra

Answer 11

everyone can sing but not everyone is a singer