Jokes & Riddles - June 2006

One morning while she was eating breakfast, Laura's diamond ring slipped off her finger and fell into a full cup of coffee, but the ring didn't get wet. Why not?

First one to guess correctly, gets 10 points!

2006-06-26 17:55:59 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just a slob like one of us?

2006-06-26 17:52:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-26 17:44:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood
on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he
noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder
was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load
of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last
night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the
neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild.
Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom, and we come out one at a
time with a sheet covering us, and only our "privates" showing through
a hole in the sheet. Then the wome! n try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came
up four or five times."

2006-06-26 17:37:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Submit it. Here's mine. What did the hot dog get in his graduation?


The Honor roll. LMAO. ok ok, that was corny.

2006-06-26 17:37:07 · 9 answers · asked by WiseGuyRobin 2

=[[

2006-06-26 17:36:48 · 5 answers · asked by supaxgalx335 1

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates. Com! There's a reason I didn't talk to them for 25 years. Because I didn't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, the chili costs less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule #3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule #4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows:
do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule #7: Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. Come on, it's right above the crack of your *** and it translates to "beef with broccoli."
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You were just high when you picked it out.

New Rule #8: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #9: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows,
then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule #10: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule #11: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.
I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.
I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months."
"He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.

2006-06-26 17:30:59 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-26 17:27:58 · 12 answers · asked by Dina 2

A woman went to her boyfriend's parent's house for Christmas
>>Dinner.
>> >
>> >This was her first time meeting the family and she is very
>>nervous.
>> >
>> >They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman began
>>to feel a
>> >little discomfort.
>> >
>> >Thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole, the gas
>>pains were
>> >
>> >almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she
>>decided to
>> >relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty fart.
>> >
>> >It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
>> >
>> >Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's
>>father
>> >looked
>> >
>> >over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
>>and
>> >
>> >said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"
>> >
>> >The woman thought, this is great and a big smile came across her
>>face.
>> >
>> >A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
>>again.
>> >
>> >This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
>>longer "rrriiippp"
>> >
>> >The! father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".
>> >
>> >Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"
>> >
>> >A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
>> >
>> >This time she didn't even think about it.
>> >
>> >She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
>> >
>> >Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
>> >
>> >"Dammit Skippy", get away from her, before she shits on you!"
>> >
>> >
>> >

2006-06-26 17:22:15 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-26 17:19:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hopefully if you had to, it would be one of them and not both at the same time.

2006-06-26 17:18:02 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

Stupid people should have to wear signs
that just say,
"I'm Stupid"
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them
anything.
It would be like,
"Excuse me...oops...never mind,
didn't see your sign."


It's like before my wife and I moved.
Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our
driveway.
My neighbor comes over and says,
"Hey, you moving?" "Nope.
We just pack our stuff up once or twice
a week to see how many boxes it takes.
Here's your sign."


A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled
his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and
this idiot on the dock goes,
"Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope.
Talked 'em into giving up.
Here's your sign."


I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There
was a guy inventing a shark bite suit.
And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They want
you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when
they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign.
I don't wanna lose it."


Last time I had a flat tire,
I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations.
The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he
said,
"Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist.
I said, "Nope. I was driving around and
those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."


We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the
house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes.
We get back to the house,
he gets out of the car,
reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"
See, if he'd been wearing his sign,
I could have stopped him.


I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you
know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I
couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and
eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his
basic questioning ... okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear
of needing a sign... until he asked,
"So, is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then
back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge...
here's your sign."


I stayed late at work one night
and a co-worker looked at me and said,
"Are you still here?"
I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."


Know anybody who needs a sign? LOL

2006-06-26 17:09:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.123opticalillusions.com/opt38.htm

2006-06-26 16:59:04 · 9 answers · asked by joegossum 4

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."

Submitted by: Vionna

2006-06-26 16:58:43 · 14 answers · asked by Dita von Teese(i wish) 1

http://www.123opticalillusions.com/opt7.htm

2006-06-26 16:54:17 · 8 answers · asked by joegossum 4

2006-06-26 16:48:52 · 23 answers · asked by g_o_o_d32 2

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart

2006-06-26 16:42:53 · 12 answers · asked by joegossum 4

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O?clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:
- ?****!, that must be my husband!?

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman:
- I?m your husband, you slut!!!

So the woman answers:
- Oh, yeah?!! And why were you ******* running?!! You son of a *****!

2006-06-26 16:39:04 · 5 answers · asked by joegossum 4

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

2006-06-26 16:38:19 · 9 answers · asked by Dita von Teese(i wish) 1

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde had just opened a book but she closes it and says "What would you like to discuss?"

He says "How about nuclear power?"

"OK" says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff.....grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

2006-06-26 16:27:14 · 8 answers · asked by tictickchick 3

the best one gets 10 points

2006-06-26 16:23:34 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-26 16:18:53 · 36 answers · asked by F.B.I. 4

2006-06-26 16:08:03 · 33 answers · asked by ? 6

2006-06-26 16:07:11 · 9 answers · asked by texasgal 2

What kind of people drink Evian bottled water and why?

hehe

2006-06-26 16:06:08 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A blonde and a brunette who were neighbours, were walking home from the bus stop. The brunette looks into her lounge room window and stops cold.
The blonde says: 'What's the matter?'
The brunette goes: 'Oh no...no. My husband's bought me flowers'
The blonde is surprised: 'What's wrong with that? i'd love my husband to buy me flowers - it means he loves you'
The brunette smiles at the blonde: 'You don't know my husband. This means I'm going to have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air.'
The blonde looks confused...: 'Don't you have a vase?'

2006-06-26 15:59:36 · 10 answers · asked by soulgirl76 4

lol i no this is a pretty stupid question but i am bored so i decided to ask. the first person with the same favorite color as mine, wins!

2006-06-26 15:51:26 · 35 answers · asked by 2Cute2bTrue 6

A blonde and a brunette were walking in the forest.
The brunette said "Hey look a dead bird."
And the blonde girl looks up and says, "Where?"

2006-06-26 15:48:51 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blonde, red head and brunette were playing hide and seek on a farm with a guy.The boy went in the chicken coop and said"is any1 in here?" and the red head said "Cluck, cluck, cluck"
He went 2 the barn and said "is anyone in here?" The brunette said "Moo"
So he went 2 the storage closet where there were nothing but potatoes. And said"Is any1 in here?"
The blonde looked around and said,"Poe-ta-to?" (slowly)

2006-06-26 15:46:54 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

2006-06-26 15:45:11 · 16 answers · asked by tictickchick 3