got any nasty jokes?

Question

the best one gets 10 points

Answer 1

>A man is going to dinner at his in-laws with his new bride
>They want to prove they can make it on their own, so they decide to buy a motorcycle.
>They are at the shop and both like a bike that has leather seats.
>The man asks the clerk if there is an effective, but cheap way to keep the leather in good condition if the bike is in the rain.
>The clerk replies that vasaline is good for that....
>Later on, as the couple is walking to the door the woman tells her husband that it is a tradition in her family that the first person to talk when the meal is over has to do the dishes.
>When they knock on the door everyone rushes out to greet the, and to see their bike.
>During dinner everyone catches up. Their talking, laughing, and having a good time.
>As soon as the last person takes the last bite the room goes dead quiet. It was a big dinner, and there were alot of dishes.
>After a while the man starts thinking.....What can I do to get these people to talk?
>He grabs his wife and bangs her right there on the table. No one says a word.
>After another hour he gets another idea........He grabs his wifes sister and bangs her. Still, no one says anything.
>He waits awhile, then thinks.....D@mn, I don't have all night!
So he bangs his mother-inlaw too. But nobody says anything.
>As soon as he was finished he heard thunder.
>He's thinking.....$hit, I just bought that bike I not about to let it get ruined in the rain.
>So he whips out the vasaline, about to head for the door, when his father-inlaw screams......Fu
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>A couple wants to go out on a romantic date, so they here a babysitter to watch their 5 year-old daughter.
>When the couple gets back, they go into the living room to have some fun before the babysitter leaves.
>The babysitter is careless and doesn't notice untill it's too late that the girl is gone.
>She runs downstairs and finds the little girl peeking into the living room.
>She grabs her and drags her upstairs.
>The babysitter asks....What were you doing?!?
>The girl replies.....I heard some funny noises, so I looked into the living room. What were Mommy and Daddy doing?
>The babysitter tells her that they were making a cake.
>The next morning the girl asks her mother.....Did you and daddy make a cake last night?
>Her mother says....Why do you ask?
>The girl says.....Well, because I licked the icing off the couch this morning.

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>The devil has run out of room in hell.
>There are three men who are not so bad, so he calls them to him.
>He tells them the situation, and then says that whoesever doesn't melt in his hand could go to heaven.
>The first guy is Asian. He doesn't have much of a dick anyways, so it melts on contact. He's thinking...Great now I have to spend eternity in hell with no dick!
>The second guy is white. His dick is on the small side, so it melts pretty soon. He says.....D@mmitt! Now I can't even fu >The third guy is black. He has a pretty big dick. So he walks up and slaps it in the Devil's hands. Nothing happens....They wait and wait, but still his dick won't melt.
>The Devil says looks like you get to go to heaven, and you can keep your dick. But how come your dick wouldn't melt?
>He replies, as he's being pulled upwards by a beam of light..."Chocolate melts in your mouth baby, not in your hands"

Answer 2

The only thing the ATO has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is just hanging around unemployed. 13% of the time it is pissed off. 12% of the time it is hard up, and 5% of the time it is in the hole. It has 2 dependents but, they are nuts.

Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Effective JULY 1, 2006, penises will be taxed according to the size. The brackets are as follows:




10" to 12" --- Luxury Tax
8" to 9" -------Pole Tax
6: to 7" -------Privilege Tax
4" to 5" -------Nuisance Tax

**Note** Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.--Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Answer 3

A guy wants to get his wife a pet that will keep her company while he is at work. so, he goes to the pet store and begins to look around.
the salesman asks if he needs any help, and the guy explains what he is looking for. "I have the perfect one, follow me " says the clerk.
He leads him to the front of the store to a parrot.
"what is so special about him" asks the man.
"well, this is a special parrot, he has no feet, but can keep himself perched with his d i c k.
Oh this is perfect thought the man, and he buys him.
well, on the way home, the man tells the bird, "now i want you to tell me everything that happens while i am gone to work". The bird agrees, and they go home.
The next day when the man gets home he asked the parrot what all went on that day.
"well the doorbell rang"
"okay, what else"asks the husband.
"well your wife answered it, and it was the mailman"
"okay, go on" replies the husband.
"they started getting undressed"
"what!, well what else happened"
"they started fu ckin right in the living room floor"
"oh man!. well, then what!says the husband
"I don't know" says the bird
"about that time I got a hard on and fell off my perch!
:)

Answer 4

A mother told her son to milk the cow and collect the eggs from the chickens, and he was mad about it. He went out to milk the cow, and when he did, he kicked it. When he collected the eggs, he kicked the chickens. Then he went back in for breakfast. He saw that he only had a dry bowl of cereal and an empty cup. He asked his mother, and she said, "I watched you when you went outside. Since you kicked the chickens, you don't get eggs for a week. And seeing that you kicked the cow, you don't get any milk for a week." Then, the boy's father walked down the stairs, and the cat was in the way, so he kicked it. The boy looked at his mother and said, "Should I tell him, or do you want to?"

Answer 5

Whats the best thing about a bl@w job? Ten minutes of silence.*****There are two midgets and they had a really good day at work, so they decided to celebrate by getting a couple of hotel rooms and a couple of hookers. So the first midget is trying all night to fu@k his hooker, but he cant get it up. He tries and tries. Finally he tells her to just go. So he is laying on his bed and all night and he hears his buddy saying over and over "Are you ready baby? Here I come again, Uhh." So in the morning they both meet downstairs for breakfast. The first midget says "I had a horrible night. I tried and tried, but I couldnt get it up." His buddy looks at him and says "You think thats bad, I couldnt even get on the bed!"*****A man walks through his front dor holding a goat, and calls his wife down. When she gets there he says "I just wanted to show you the pig I've been fu@king." She looks at him and says "You idiot thats a goat." He says "I know its a goat, you dumb bit@h. I was talking to the goat!"

Answer 6

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Answer 7

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to
hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil.

"You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to
stay
here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks
here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he
agreed.

The devil opened the first room: In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool
of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and
over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so.
I'm
not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer,
time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my
shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"
commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in
spread
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."

.

.

.


The devil smiled and said...

.

.

.

"OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

Answer 8

a guy is in a bar, he is really drunk, a horse walks in and the guy thinks hes imaginin things cuz hes soo drunk, the bartender sez "10 bucks sez u cant make tht horse laugh" the guy sez "deal" then he takes the horse into the mens bathroom and then the horse coms out laughing lik crazy, the bartender sez "10 bucks sez u cant make him cry" then the guy sez "done" then he leads him in2 tha mens room again then the horse coms out crying and balling, the bartender asks, " how do u do it?" then the guy sez " first i sed my d i c k was longer than his, then i proved it"

Answer 9

one day a senior from h.s. brought his gf over for the night. he had to share a room with his 10 yr old brother--- they were planning having sum that night. but since the brother was sleeping in the lower bunk of the bed they had to come up with a code so the guy told his gf that every time she want his "thing" to go in to say lettuce and we she wanted it out to say tomato..so it went lettuce, tomato,lettuce, tomato,lettuce, tomato,lettuce, tomato, untill the brother woke up and said stop making sandwiches youre getting mayonase all over my face... lol

Answer 10

Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking its nuts. The first guy says "Wish I could do that". Second guy says "Maybe if you pet him he'll let you".