Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Ok...theres this guy...he's not very clever and he suddenly decides he wants to be a chicken farmer....so he goes to the dealer and says 'right i want to buy 100 chickens to start my farm'..so he pays for the chickens and leaves... but after one month he comes back to the dealer and says 'all my chickens have died! i need to buy another 100 chickens'
Another month later the same man comes back and he says his chickens have died again! The dealer thinks that this must be because of the way he is keeping them so he asks him 'do you know why all your chickens are dying??' and the chicken farmer replys.. 'yes i think i'm planting them too deep!!!'

lol! did it make you laugh?! =)

2007-12-19 22:21:27 · 10 answers · asked by Rosie :) 2

"BUT DADDY, I POOPED IT OUT & GOT HUNGRY AGAIN!!!

2007-12-19 19:51:19 · 10 answers · asked by strange-artist 7

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,

"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

2007-12-19 19:17:47 · 5 answers · asked by feebee!!!!! is back!!!! 4

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted....

2007-12-19 17:29:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

You have 15 tiny gold bars and a balance scale. One of the bars is lighter than the others, but you can't tell the difference by feel. What is least number of times you could use the scale to determine which one is the light one?

Pls elaborate

2007-12-19 16:56:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family of prostitutes were sitting down eating when the daughter said ......

'' i got 50 for a B/J today ''

the mother said ....

''your lucky , was only 5 when i was doing it ''

the grandmother chirped up and said.........

'' when i was doing it , we were just thankful for a warm drink ..........!!! ''

this made me giggle , does it make you giggle?

2007-12-19 16:04:52 · 24 answers · asked by Fr3dinbed 6

A father and his son get into a car accident. They were both taken to different hospitals. At one hospital a doctor aproches the child and states "I cannot opperate on this child he is my son.

2007-12-19 16:02:18 · 11 answers · asked by Nikki 3

I was happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged
me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed,
and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore
tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many
a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She
never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome
and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she
wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.

2007-12-19 15:40:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One year Santa was very busy The elves where giving him a hard time He was tied and frustrated. Every one was asking Santa what to do Just when he thought he had had enough in walked the fairy dragging a tree behind her “ Where do you want me to stick this “she asked Santa
And that’s why we put the fairy at the top of the tree

2007-12-19 15:32:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three ladys in prison a brunette, a red head, and a blonde.

One day they are able to escape from prison, yet they are havily pursuited. So they had to hide away in a potato factory.

Each one of the girls hide in a potato sack from the officers. One of the officers walks in and decides to kick each sack just in case.

He kicks the first sack with the brunette and she says (Bark, bark) he says oh that is just a dog. He goes to the second sack with the red head and kicks it and she says ( Meow, meow) and he says oh its just a cat.

Finaly, he goes to the last sack with the blonde and kicks it....... she says "potatoe".>:)_

2007-12-19 14:53:39 · 3 answers · asked by s-mali s 1

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

2007-12-19 14:51:47 · 12 answers · asked by Dragon Slayer™ 5

When my son was in second grade---7 years old---he came home from school one day---his ma and I were working---and told his grandma, "You know, the kids in my class are really annoying"
Grandma commiserated
then he continued, "And my teacher is really, really annoying"
Grandma said, "I'm sorry to hear that."
And Jack said, "And those people who work in the lunch room, they are annoying, too!"
Grandma sighed and said, "It sounds like you are a very easy boy to annoy."
Jack sighed, and said, "No Grandma. I'm just surrounded by idiots"

2007-12-19 14:32:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went down saint ives
He came across a man with nine wives
his nine wives had nine children
each child had nine dogs
each dog has nine cats
each cat has nine mice
each mouce had nine fleas
how many peopel were walking to saint ives

2007-12-19 14:27:13 · 72 answers · asked by Dorinda M 2

2007-12-19 13:58:58 · 14 answers · asked by krishna 2

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.

After the coroner leaves with Steve''s body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve''s wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.

"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"

"Steve''s wife gave it to me!"

"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"

"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve''s widow. And, she said she wasn''t, so I said I''d bet her a six-pack she was!"

2007-12-19 13:31:43 · 10 answers · asked by britrob20 3

I cant figure out the name!

Iike, you can draw a square and then right the word JACK inside the square and the puzzle answer would turn out to be JACK IN THE BOX.

Help me!

- Jon

2007-12-19 13:11:34 · 9 answers · asked by Jon 3

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road.

The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".

The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week".

The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!".

The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex....but a talking frog is pretty neat."

2007-12-19 12:55:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's a** and say, 'How about a B--- Job?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

2007-12-19 12:51:57 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. THEY'RE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.

2007-12-19 12:49:15 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

2007-12-19 12:44:01 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

would you hold it against me?

2007-12-19 12:08:28 · 10 answers · asked by Spartacus! 7

Whoever answers correctly first gets best answer

2007-12-19 11:57:21 · 11 answers · asked by chess_is_best 6

There are 4 birds standing on a tree,
you grab a shotgun and shoot ONE...
how many are left?

2007-12-19 11:51:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on
her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation and said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got
there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top

2007-12-19 11:16:35 · 25 answers · asked by poohbear 39 2

he works it out with a pencil.

2007-12-19 11:07:02 · 9 answers · asked by I hate little green pigs 3

2007-12-19 11:06:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Putin the boot!
Maybe our American readers will not get this.
Think about it.

2007-12-19 11:05:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"

2007-12-19 10:18:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Star if funny!!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

2007-12-19 10:13:38 · 11 answers · asked by Est.1992 6

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year long.

A Christmas tree is always erect.

Even small ones give satisfaction.

A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

It looks good - even with the lights on.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your car.

2007-12-19 10:12:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous