Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," the Lord said.
Adam looked at the Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, the Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other is a sex organ. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now-intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

2007-12-19 10:02:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

cause ken cume's in another box

2007-12-19 09:25:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

'Gold Wrapping Paper'

I received this from a friend who had a choice to make. It said that I had a choice to make too.

I've chosen. Now it's your turn to choose. The story goes that some time ago a mother punished her five-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and then said, this is for you, Momma.' The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was empty. She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner.” Don’t you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?'

She had tears in her eyes and said, 'Oh, Momma, it's not empty! I blew kisses into it until it was full.' The mother was crushed. She fell on her knees and put her arms around her little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later, and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life.

Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense, each of us, as human beings, have been given a g olden box unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and GOD. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold. You now have two choices:

1. Pass this on to your friends, or

2. Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart.

As you can see, I took choice No. 1. Friends are like angels who lift us to our feet, when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

If you receive this more than once in return just know that your friends have also thought of you.

2007-12-19 09:22:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus, the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass....

2007-12-19 09:00:37 · 17 answers · asked by Flypaper 4 Freaks 2

Make it as a joke lol

2007-12-19 08:55:04 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

now that i have your attention, plz tell me what you think about this poem haha

At first glance faces are cold
Thoughts that enthuse are seldom told
The stares pierce souls like nails to fingertips
She is known, with one word thorugh the lips
A half smile but a crooked look
Who writes about feelings down in her book
Talk lightly twisting further the pen
As if you know her, where she's been
Guilty with a chew, first words turned you
Away from a friend, and resistant to glue
A tall tale while you chat till your full
Her hairs are split and nails dulled
Embarrassment in her face when the bell sounded
A rascal who tripped, her feet bounded
Who's to know the secrets that destroy
Her mind wound, kept like a toy
Unravel corruption till you hit the core
Who shall help the helpless off the floor

2007-12-19 08:50:48 · 8 answers · asked by John G 1

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in his left hand, a cup of coffee in his right hand AND a dozen donuts!

2007-12-19 08:35:13 · 12 answers · asked by cheezewhiz 3

cause he only comes once a year.

2007-12-19 08:29:01 · 25 answers · asked by yf g 2

Try it. It really confuses them!

2007-12-19 08:21:59 · 35 answers · asked by The Mighty Martin 3

Elderly lady
One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him. "Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asks the lady.
"Help yourself," she replies.
After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eaten almost all of the peanuts in the bowl. "I apologize," he says to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few."
"That's okay," says the lady, "Since I've lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them."

2007-12-19 08:01:17 · 17 answers · asked by stickmanstewy 3

One day a priest was playing baseball. A nun was cheerleading near
first base.
The priest was up to bat. The pitcher threw the ball. The priest
swung, missed, and said "Dammit!
I missed!"
"Don't you say that mister or God will strike you with a bolt of
lightning," the nun said.
Again the pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and said
"Dammit!
I missed!"
"If you say that one more time mister, God will strike you with a bolt
of lightning," the nun said.
Once again the pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and
said "Dammit! I missed!"
A bolt of lightning strikes the nun and God says "Dammit! I missed!"

2007-12-19 07:48:28 · 20 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at
the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having
the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head
drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to
hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

2007-12-19 07:42:09 · 18 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of
drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife
was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran
up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the
basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second
floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to
the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and
died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be
alive."

2007-12-19 07:36:13 · 26 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

What are some good ways to mess with the annoying telemarketers??? ex. "can you repeat that" or "can you talk louder"

2007-12-19 07:33:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day,
the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother
what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on
his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved
her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's
washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found
your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with
the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with
it."

2007-12-19 07:31:27 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after
three." "Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?" "Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A Jack."

2007-12-19 07:11:55 · 23 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. We were having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You're lying! You've been playing golf!"

2007-12-19 05:48:48 · 41 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

1. SCHIZOPHRENIA -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. AMNESIA -- I Don't Know If I'll Be Home for Christmas.
3. NARCISSIST -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing-All About Me.
4. MANIC -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants
5. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
6. PARANOID --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me.
7. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER -- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
8. FULL PERSONALITY DISORDER -- You Better Watch Out! I'm Gonna Cry; I'm Gonna Pout! -- Maybe I'll Tell You Why .
9. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.
10. AGORAPHOBIA -- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day, but Wouldn't Leave My House.

2007-12-19 05:47:50 · 8 answers · asked by She's Back 6

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight
from JFK
to Dublin.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were
taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly
brought and
placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he
would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said,
"Me ,too! I didn't know we had a choice."

2007-12-19 05:45:41 · 13 answers · asked by Predrag 2

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
“I’ll make a deal with you,” said his father. “You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we’ll talk.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

“Son, I’m real proud of you. You’ve brought your grades up and you’ve studied your Bible, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

“You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

“Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

2007-12-19 05:23:23 · 16 answers · asked by puma 4

what do you called a peach with no legs
a peach

2007-12-19 05:17:24 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

ding dong Granny's getting high
in fact she's on the ceiling
as she's nearly 95
the sight is not appealing

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo....oh mi gosh...they've all excelled
superfluous

cousin Rupert's at it now
he's flirting with Augustine
and she's leading him along
I think it's quite disgusting

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo...oh mi gosh...they've all excelled
superfluous

sister Susie's throwing up
that gin has taken its toll
everyone's oblivious
she's done it in the punch bowl

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo...oh mi gosh...they've all excelled
superfluous

ah well, I'm off home to mine
but no one can hear my cheer
I'll just bid you all goodnight
and wish you all a good year!

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo...oh mi gosh...they've all excelled
superfluous

CHEERS!

2007-12-19 04:53:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is one hard Riddle. Can anyone get it?

2007-12-19 04:51:38 · 11 answers · asked by bobby c 1

Okay so i have to write a short story for a magazine project we are doing in class. My topic is a really long trip to go get ice cream and meeting interesting people as the go along. This is what i have so far but i am kind of stuck so please help...THNX


Brittany, Robbin, and Debi are all on our way to get Ice Cream from the store. As we are traveling down the road our car got a flat tire. So we pulled over and got out to check it. Debi says, “I think it is half empty.”
Robbin then replied, “ oh well I thought it was half full!”
“ No you guys it’s neither of those…it’s flat!” So as they were discussing this, somebody pulled up.

2007-12-19 04:41:14 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-19 04:38:41 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

please i need sum good story jokes not short ones

2007-12-19 04:36:12 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok so the teacher tells them to make a sentece with the words cheese and liver.
white kid: My mom made good cheese and liver last night

black kid: My dad told my mom to get goverment cheese but when she ignored him he kicked her in the liver

mexican kid: Yesterday some guys were trying to see under my sisters dress and i told them liver alone cheese my sister

2007-12-19 04:34:23 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-19 04:31:09 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Clue:; santa pinched the little old lady in reply,.

2007-12-19 04:27:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

the pope would fall and die because santa or an intellegant blonde do not exist

2007-12-19 04:09:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous